mil-i cant take no more

[mum2sam]

Ive posted a few times to complain about my mil so will try to keep this simple. Me and dh used to be school mates before we got together. I used to get on and actually liked his mum until we started going out and then i realised she was a jealous control freak.

Her control over dh has now stemmed on to me since i was pregnant with my ds.Although she doesnt always directly moan to me its normally to dh who then tells me about whatever dig shes said when hes took ds over to visit (i dont like to go over anymore) or crazy idea she has in her head.

I wont go into everything but it started off with not being happy about us finding out the sex of the baby to the point she stormed out of the room in a mood becuase we said we wanted to. Then being in a mood because i took my mum to the scan. Its the first grandchild for both but im the only daughter whereas my mil has three daughters so shes gonna go one day so does that mean I shouldnt let my mum go until she has! I could only take two people. To make it up to her I took her to listen the heatbeat.

Then another arguement because she wanted to choose the middle name which i didnt like. DS has their surname and me ahd dh werent even married then. So why do i have to put another family name in there.

On the day I gave birth to ds i wanted my mum to come up straight away after to help me bath etc ds was prem and I had pre-eclampsia and still felt dizzy from the medication.When mil came up she didnt even acknowlege my mum who was in the middle of congratulating her on becoming a gran. She just went str8 to ds incubator. Shes always been rude to my mum, it turns out now that she held a gudge against her because of the scan business and now because she thought my mum had been with me at the birth (she wasn't) and all day visiting whereas she only came for an hr! Dose she even have a point its my mum!

Then before she left she said she would visit again the nxt day then the day after that and the following day. In between she had also arranged to bring dh's nan up without asking. She didnt visit me everyday when I was in hosp with pe like my mum did. Dh then put a visiting ban on as we were on a special ward and ds had just come out of his incubator and we wanted a day to ourselves as a family-is this selfish? Mil then said she wanted to come up and see her own gs when she was actually allowed to hold him. Even though me and dh hardly held him for no more then 1omins in 24hrs.

She always gives neagative comments about our parenting, not once has she said we are doing well or that we are good parents. Its alway what we are not doing or why are we doing that? Like you dont need to bf for more then 2wks, ds should be in his cot and in his own room. What diffenrence does it make to her he was only a few months old and we had our reasons for it.he should be weaned at 4mths, he shouldnt be wearing shoes blah blah.

Then theres the issue that the grandparents are being treated diffently. She thinks my mums around every day when shes not once a wk if that. And me and dh make sure we alternate who babysits and it happens to be that his mum has had him for longer durations if we are going to be that petty.

Sorry to go on and on but my point is why should I have to feel that I cant include my mum in these special times just so im not upsetting her. My mum wasnt at the birth but so what if she was and then spent all day visiting isnt that my choice. Its made me dread the next baby and family meetings becuse she seems to think my mums treated differently and that shes getting one up over her. Me and my family arent like that. Its made me feel trapped like i have to justify everything. Its caused arguements with dh to the point where i feel i want o leave to avoid it all. I want to be allowed to enjoy my son with my family. Ive bit my tongue but this has lead to me resenting her and in a way dh.He has spoke to her but she never admits shes wrong although dh did enfore the points about my mum being treated the same. Shes got that message but i dont care now it doesnt excuse her behaviour and i cant be bothered with her.The only thing is dh works away and therefore im her only source to ds.

I don't think there is much you can do apart from get dh to reiterate that she's not missing out on anything. It's hard but you just have to smile through all the comments and not take it to heart.

that she's got this attitude.

Remember that she can't dictate the way you are with your mum - see her whenever you feel like it.

Let the rest of her attitude wash over you. Can you say 'yes, I'm sure you're right' to anything she says and then just do what you want to anyway?
She'll get the message eventually.

She sounds to me like a bully and therefore she would benefit from being stood up to. Explain to her that you have a close relationship with your mum and it is perfectly natural for you to spend more time with her. Do it with a smile on your face and emphasise how important she is to your family too. And then try to forget about it. She sounds like she is used to controlling your dh but she can't control you. Someone like that only has as much power as you give her.

She says she wont give advice anymore as we dont listen. I dont want to make an enemy of her but shes done that herself and doesnt see it. She moans that I dont see her with ds but how can I have a relationship with someone whos jealous of me because of my relationship with her ds.I know its not presonal has hes had with other gfs.

If you look or act bothered she will continue this behaviour (like a toddler!) She is being totally unreasonable and out of order. You are bending over backwards and quite frankly it sounds like no matter what you do she will not be happy. She sounds jealous and controlling and she will never be happy.

If I were you I would think to yourself 'nothing I do will be good enough so stop letting her get to me'. Live by your terms, see who you want. It does not sound as if you are being unreasonable therefore dont feel guilty. There isnt a poing because it is her problem not yours.

My mil and my mum are like your mil and after all these years I realise that reassuring her, changing plans, accomadating her does not actually work. Nothing is good enough to to hell with it.

Put you and your dh and ds first, do what you want, pick your own names and then consider other people. You three are what are important. I hope that this gets better for you as I know what a pain it is. Be firm and dont be bullied x

Would definitely agree with saying "Mmm" to things she says, then do what you like anyway.

If she is actually rude, pull her up on it. Like if she ignores your mum, say, "I think you've forgotten to say hello to someone" - if she behaves like a spoilt child, treat her like one.

I do tend to mmm and ignore. But its just the fact like you said you try to accommodate etc but its not appreciated she didnt even have her facts straight and was rude to my mum over nothing.She seems to assume that my mum is trying to get one over her but my mums not like that. Its my mil whos like that. When I had both my mum and mil over my mil was the one hogging ds passing him to anyone except my mum and me. And repeatingly saying within feet of my my mum whilst holding ds oh nana, oh nana, nana, nana yuo love your nana.It just hurts that she doesnt get along or try to with my mum she resents my mum with ds and me with ds and and dh.

I think it may help you if you asked your dh to not tell you what your mil had said about you, your dh, your ds, your parents, your parenting of your ds etc as it doesn't seem to be doing anything constructive. If he is asked to pass messages on then he could suggest that she tell you herself as he is likely to forget - she seems less likely to do that.

Does your DH understand what's going on here? Does he feel like she is trying to control him or has it just been going on so long that he doesn't notice? I had an ex who's mother controlled his whole life and he couldn't even see it. (eg She would cook him his dinner knowing that he was supposed to be eating at mine. He couldn't say no to her and then would turn up at mine unable to eat what I had just cooked him ) When she tried to control me in the same way, I was having none of it.

Luckily my MIL has struck a good balance, but DH and I have agreed that if there was ever to be a "situation" that he would deal with it if it was his side of the family, and I would deal with it if it was my side. I think that ILs are less likely to be offended if it is coming from their own son/daughter rather than the SIL/DIL.

Worth a try?

I'm with mawbroon - this is your DH's problem, not yours. And with sis - why is he telling you this stuff? You're avoiding seeing her, why should you have to listen to her lunacy?

I take the opposite view!
Its mum2sam's problem unfortunately. Hunker is right though, mum2sam, dont let your mil get away with anything. Pull her up on every rudeness, by exposing it. ("isn't that a little childish though?" ) If she knows that she will get spotted and commented on, she will probably get the message and stop bullying.

i could have written all of this! x is x mainly because of mu mils behaviour and the fact that he wouldnt stand up to her.

the only way this will improve is if you stand up to her, and if that means she never sees you (and so never sees ds when dh is working away) thats her own fault. write her a letter to get it off your chest, make sure dh knows you are doing it so she cant accuse you of going behind his back, then stick to what you have told her. she is a grown up and should know how to act like one. i also think you dh needs to modify his reactions to her if things are going to improve.

as for her being jealous of your mum - TOUGH! tell her you see more of your mum because she is a help and is not constantly putting you down. what on earth does this evil old hag expect?

or even my mils

Thanx guys. Dh knows what shes like and does try to talk to her but hes never very good at arguements in fact he doesnt argue with his parents they have discussions at the table where she often turns on the tears they can shout although he acts like a young intimadated boy.Its weird.

This is a women who wants to go on holiday with dh and has been putting pressure on him to go away with just her since he was 18 just before we started going out hes now 25. Shes always making digs about it especially when me and dh plan on going on holiday. I cant even mention where we are going or what our hotels going to be like because she would think i was rubbing it in. He is her only son and she raised him herself up until the age of 4 but isnt this weird

I actually walked out on dh because he was going to go away and I mean abroad with her just to shut her up.We were living together and we were engaged he was also 23 at the time.In the end he decide not to which was lucky for him as i was pregnant at the time although he didnt know it.

She actually said to him the other day how she knew boys grow away from their mothers but she thought he would be different.She also made the comment about a daughter for life and son until he finds a wife etc. To me that isnt accepting me as part of the family you know gaining a daughter in-law theres resentment there. And so how can she expect me to get along with her or even try to establish a relationship with her.

refuse to acknowledge her until she behaves the way you want her to. I would not be making nearly as much effort with her.

She needs to be reminded that you are the owner of the baby rights, and can withdraw her priviledges whenever you feel like it.

Sounds like he has a fab nana in your mum.

You can't change her, you can only change your attitude to her. None of what she says is about you, it's about her.
She cannot get over not being number one in her son's life, but that really is her problem. Don't make it yours. Just think 'am I bovvered? do I look bovvered? does my face look bovvered?'
really, she is stewing in her own misery, don't jump in and join her!

This is reminiscent of an ex-BF who's mother even discussed her heart problems with him before her DH - weird.

Can't really comment on the MIL side as mine died before I met DH, however on the Mum side, you will never have this time back again, what you're doing now is making memories. My mum died very suddenly when DS1 was 16 months old whilst I was 3 months pg with DS2, I have one photograph of her holding DS1, he was baptised at 14 months and I haven't even got one of her with him on that day.

Sod what your MIL says, this is YOUR baby, YOUR life and if she wants you to include her then it's up to her to make an effort. Don't look back in X years time and say I wish - do it now.

Choose your battles carefully with MIL, let go what's not important and stand firm on the issues that matter to you most.

I'm a mum of two boys and do believe that boys tend not to be as close as girls, however I will do everything I can to welcome my future DIL so that they want me to be part of their lives.

Exactly shades going through this has made me realise how important it is to establish a good relationship with my son and future gfs. Ive reluctantly tried to forget things although she is the one who keeps bringing things up. Shes the one one trying to play the victim.That she was upset about us not liking the names she wanted for ds, about the scan and visiting etc.

Sounds like a nightmare but just think... mines staying with me for 6 weeks straight!!!!! She does however go back to NZ! Chin up! Dont let her get you down