Am I right to find his attitude unreasonable?

[honkytonk]

I was not sure where to post this so thought that the relationship section is a start.

I am a SAHM and have been since the birth of my first child. I have taken a 'career break' which is due to end in a few months time. As a qualified professional I feel I have put my career on hold to concentrate on my children until they are school age and they are now nearly both that.

I would like to return to some paid employment but when I have tried to discuss this with DH he has said that this is my decision and he will support me whatever I decide.

This all sounds reasonable but of course it is not as simple as that. If I return to work I am aware that I will organise child care and work and still do all the other things that I do now. Prior to having kids (in the naive days when I believed you could have it all!) my DH and I talked about sharing childcare and school runs etc etc. Anyway in reality DH does help at home when he is here. But as the sole and biggest earner (because of his career) we still need to ensure that he does his hours and practicality means he cannot attend every child event at the school and so forth. This always falls to me tbh.

However, my gripe is this, whenever I try to raise the topic of me going back to work and the frustrations of seeing my career disappear down the toilet etc etc he says absolutely nothing except he wishes I would stop going on about it!!

Surely as the home arrangements will be so affected by any change in my circumstances we need to discuss it. It is as if he is unable to see how being a parent has completely altered my professional life (like him we both studied at Uni for several years for our careers) while his career had remained unchanged.

I am beginning to resent him and his attitude. Any opinions welcome!!!

Yes, he is being unreasonable to not discuss it, but I think you are being a little unrealistic to assume you will be able to somehow share childcare, school runs, and attending all school events.

If you are going to return to a professional career (and it sounds as though that's the plan, rather than simply get a menial fitting around school job) then you need to sort out childcare arrangements - either childminder/after school club/holiday care. And yes, of course that should be a joint thing - it's not your 'job' to research childcare and choose which type.

As for attending school events, well, as a teacher, I've always found it impossible to even think of attending every assembly or event, but between you, you should be able to juggle a few, and tbh, you really don't need to attend everything.

So in short - yes, he's being unreasonable to block discussion on it, but I think you have an unrealistic idea of having two professional careers and somehow juggling childcare between you

Is there any chance that one of you could do your professional role on a part-time basis? My spouse and I are both professionals and that's how we're managing to work through it. It still involves some juggling, but it is possible to do this with the right support from both outside (e.g. extended family, grandparents) and inside (i.e. open communication and a "can do" attitude from your DH).

I do feel for you, though, and I think the resentment of his refusal to discuss is the first thing you need to deal with.

Sorry - I meant that the resentment is completely understandable and that the refusal to discuss is the first thing that needs to be dealt with!

Thanks only just got back to mumsnet!

Hi honkytonk

You are very sensible to be trying to keep your career alive and you are right to be resentful of your DH.

To take a career break is a mixed blessing. It is wonderful to be able to put your DC first and be there for them when they need you, attend all those special events and just enjoy their childhood. But most of us find the attendant brain rot and lack of intelligent adult conversation frustrating. And having your profession to fall back on with attendant earning power is hugely important however much you trust your DH to support you all.

For your DH it has been easier for him to get on with his career knowing you are taking care of everything at home and he doesn't need to take time off because of sick kids, school events etc.

He is probably panicking at the idea that you might hold him to the original agreement to share child care. To be honest unless he is in a job that allows flexible working or you could afford for him to go part time this could cause him problems.

That isnt to say you shouldn't have that conversation. You need to get him to talk about the threats he perceives from you going back to work, how you are suggesting managing child care, back up for this arrangement and back up for the back up!

He will have to accept he may not come home to a freshly cooked meal and have full domestic service provided but that was never the reason you took your career break.

Remind him of the time before you had the DC when you were equals and the original idealistic plan. If he ignores your wishes and lets the resentment build up it will eat away at your relationship. Trust me I have been where you are and this sort of thing corrodes like acid!

Presumably you would like to achieve a balance where you could start working part time and "try out" childcare for the DC. Initially you may not make much money but your brain and your CV will benefit and so will your DH if he gets a DW who feels better about herself and part of an equal team instead of the domestic service.

I havent gone on about my own situation here but I can recommend employing a nanny you trust and giving it a trial.

Good luck and be positive about this. It will work out and your DC will appreciate having a mum who is fulfilled and has her own career.

If you are both going to work, then you will need to organise and pay for proper childcare.

I think that you need to get clear in your own mind what sort of job you want and the sort of childcare that you will need in order to facilitate this. Of course, once you are working, it should not be your job alone to worry about childcare arrangements; but realistically you are going to need to be the one to put the plan together at the outset. Put together something concrete, so that you have something concrete to discuss.

Although you will need to hire childcare, he will, as honkytonk says, need to readjust his attitude to domestic arrangements in general. With both of you working these will need to be divided 50/50; but I would face that discussion once you are working and he can see that it would be unfair for you to do everything.

I think two careers can be really good for a relationship: fathers get involved with the children; mothers are made happy by the stimulus; and nobody feels economically dependent. Also good for children to see roles shared. Go for it!

Thanks for the replies in particular nonamesnopackdrill. Everyone seems to have grasped the issues I have.

I am frustrated at being have to 'choose' between my career (which I studied hard for!) and a job that while it may be meaningful is worse paid but fits in around the children.

There are no family near by as a back up and this is one of the reasons that I have held off returning to work.

I realise I am very fortunate to be able to decide whether to return to work of not and consider all options. However, I am seeing that it is quite possible that I will compromise and do something less responsible and well paid in order to meet the demands at home.

I have explained to DH my point of view very clearly and the issues it presents. He is supportive in a verbal way but I do not fully believe that if it came down to it it would be me that would have to call in and use A/L! I guess unless I try it I will not know.

I am interested by everyone's replies as I have felt quite alone in this!

You're not alone!!
I worked for 8 yrs after 1st DD came along 11 years ago. I then had 3yrs as a SAHM and have recently gone back to work in the field where I am qualified and have been really lucky to find a job where I can work school hours.
HOWEVER, because I don't have to work for financial reasons, I feel that DH is almost treating this as 'something I am doing for me' rather than me thinking about our long term security and wanting to use my brain in the adult world.

Because (I think) he sees it as my choice, there has been very little in the way of compromise at home - basically I am still doing the lion's share of the organising and housework. We are really happy together and he's a great dad, he also has a very demanding job. It's hard tho cos I love being back at work (his answer is for me to get a cleaner and send the ironing out!)
Why don't you go for it and see how things pan out? Nothing's set in stone, and it's NEVER to late to go back to work and have a fulfilling career.

Thanks bairn24 It does seem as if I am not alone. Thank you...

I find it all rather depressing tbh. I wonder whether men feel the same pressures.

I never experienced the gender divide until I had my DC. But trying to return to work has been like being presented with the reality of women and men!!!