how do you keep your relationship in good nick if your DH works loooong hours?

[aaaghHumbug]

Name change here. A bit ashamed I am asking such a thing on the internet.

DH works 12-13 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. Recently I have realised that our marriage has become shit. We've been married ten years. Sometimes I hate him (for no particular reason) but mostly I feel indifferent towards him. I feel very panicky about this. I have always loved him so much and now can barely remember what that feels like.

I work myself-three days in a 9-5 and we have toddler.

We rarely have sex as he is very tired all the time, so I am frustrated. I have talked to him about it and he agrees he should make more of an effort but he doesn't so I feel more hurt/annoyed etc etc.

How do you all deal with a barely present husband/ partner? How do you keep the love going?

TBH I am dreading Christmas as he will have two weeks off and I don't know if we actually have anything to talk about (apart from DS). Is it time for counselling?

I feel like that. It's tough. Is it possible for you two to go on date nights xx

yeah maybe, although a babysitter makes it an expensive thing to do! We have been out together about three times in the last two years!

What common interests do you have? Hobbies etc? What brought you together in the first place?

My DH works super-long hours (over 80 hours per week frequently) and we get on really well. It does present a problem, keeping 'in touch' with each other emotionally when you are so rarely together and he is so immersed in his work. If you think there is a deep problem, then I'd never advise anyone against counselling. But if you want practical ideas, this is what I do

• Rather than thinking 'will we have anything to talk about' think of some things you can talk about. He'll be knackered, so he won't come up with sparkling conversational openers and if you're expecting long silence you'll sit in them thinking 'ah, I knew it!'. Reminiscences are particularly good since it sounds like your relationship was once very happy... So 'remember that christmas when...'. 'hey whatever happened to that friend of yours who....'. If you laugh about old times together it will help you to remember that underneath you're still the same people you were.
• Give him some time off. I know, when you've barely seen him, suggesting that he goes and meets up with his mates or has a bit of time to himself seems counterproductive. But if he recharges a bit, he'll be more able to chat and be friendly afterwards. Ask him about stuff he used to enjoy doing and if he says 'yeah, but I can't do that any more, 'cos of work and you want me home' etc. Just say - 'Go on Saturday, I'll have the DC'. If he gets a chance to do the things he used to do, he will probably have more to talk about to you. And also if he's a good man (I'm assuming he is), then he'll offer to reciprocate.
• think about the root of your feelings. If someone is absent it's easy to project resentments or irritations on to them and start blaming them, or having imaginary conversations in your head where they are really irritating (or is that just me? ) If you feel hate towards him for no particular reason, perhaps you are hacked off about life in general, or something in particular, and your absent DH is copping that flak

Does any of this strike a chord, or am I way off?

So what if a babysitter is expensive? You really need to treat that expenditure as priority, esp. if he's working those hours - presumably he's earning lots? Even if not, paying a fiver an hour for a babysitter is less than paying a divorce lawyer £200 an hour! Think of it like that and you'llfind the money, I'm sure.

The things that brought us together are not toddler friendly things-gigs, cinema, exercise, travel. Neither of us has the opportunity to do any of these anymore, although we do squeeze in a couple of DVDs a week. I sew and read (things I can do on my own). He occasionally goes out on his bike.

He is a kind man and a fabulous Dad.

Talking about the past makes me cry .

I can pretend that everything is good, I have been trying that, but underneath it is making me more miserable, hence why I'm trying to sort it. His response this weekend was to tell me that he loves me and wants to be with me and will try to change/work through this with me but I just think I've heard it a million times before. He got into bed last night and went straight to sleep before I even made it to the bedroom.

yes mumble you are right-there are priorities. We are not minted. The priority this year has been to save, with the hope of moving to somewhere with a garden but no point in that if our marriage is down the tubes! The babysitter is £8 an hour but it might be well spent.

If he's falling asleep that quickly, then he's exhausted. It's not a rejection of you, he's just knackered.

Talking about the past makes you cry, that's really sad, so sorry to hear that. If they are happy memories of the two of you together, and if you think he is kind and a fabulous Dad so you obviously do still think highly of him, then why does it make you cry to remember how happy you were? Is it because the present is so different? And in what way is it different exactly? Not all of the differences will be your DH, some will just be the usual changes we get with motherhood, and some will be within your power to change. What exactly has changed?

Why does he work such long hours, is it expected or is he a workaholic ? Can he reduce his working hours at all, even picking DS up one day a week when you are working means he would be back at a reasonable hour?

It's no wonder you feel detached from him, you aren't able to spend any time together and he is exhausted from work. What do you do at the weekends? If your DS is over 3 you could go to the cinema as a family, or how about going swimming together.

What about his annual leave, is he using this, do you go on holidays together?

It sounds like he is overwhelmed by his work and does not have any emotional energy left to invest in your relationship, which obviously is leaving you feeling unloved and alone. To me it doesn't sound like date nights will solve the problem, he needs to work less hours and/or be less all consumed by his work and unfortunately that is not something that you can do for him, however suggestion like do you think you could pick up DS one day a week may help the situation.

Yes, he has to work those hours. It is not his choice-those are the hours of his job. He cannot reduce them at all. Prior to DS I spent the evenings at the gym/cooking/socialising. It's not like his work is NEW behaviour but obviously I have more than myself to amuse now.

He does have holidays and we went away in August for two lovely weeks. I have since been away with my siblings on a family holiday as DH could not come.

DS goes swimming with DH at weekends. It's their special activity together. I use the time they are away doing not very much.

The point you make rookie about his lack of investment in the relationship is exactly what I have been trying to discuss with him, to little avail. I on the other hand, am having a right old pity party thinking that I look after everyone and no one is looking after me, iyswim. Probably not helpful.

How does everyone else manage not to let these things (parenthood/husbands hours) not kill their relationship? I know I can't do it on my own but ANYTHING right now would be appreciated.

I do feel for you DH works long hours too as he is a contractor.

It's a pain and sometimes I feel distanced from DH when he goes on about how hard work is because I'm the one in the background doing all the invisible stuff, but I'd rather be doing that than working silly hours.

I focus on making life as easy as I can for all of us, reduced grade and hours at work as I found it all too much and have a day to myself once a week as DS is at 5 day a week preschool.

I agree with becstar, I can imagine him coming in knackered and you wanting to have deep and meaningful conversations about your relationship, it's not going to help. To be honest I don't think there is much point in having a huge discussion about it, he hasn't changed but your circumstances have. You have said yourself that he can't work less hours so it is not a choice option. He appears to be a reasonable dad - takes DS swimming and does listen to you, if not act.

Sorry am rambling and need to take DS out as our heating isn't working

It's so hard... I am in the same boat as you... DH works long hours and I don't generally see him on week nights (dc def don't).... He is stressed by work and altho I try to ask him about it he mostly reluctant to share anything and is often knackered... It has affected our sex life altho I think that is me more than him.
I have my own life, he has his, it's tough.... We do try to go out together altho not that often.. I need to know how to manage it too... Sorry not much help but know how you are feeling.....

we send each other sweet little texts only about once aweek now but does help,I am pg at the mo so not typical but when not,we always have something nice to eat on a saturday night and eat it at the tabl with soe=me wine,dd goes to bed and watches her tv or sometimes eats with us.We pay a baby sitter every now and then and do the cinema and a meal or sometimes mum has dd and we have a realy good piss up in town with friends,we always have a little plan for our rare days off together and do simple things like go out to watch the football together and always have acuddle in bed at night.Sorry if that sounds corny or smug but i did have my marrige fail after 18yrs together and 4 dcs so dont want to fall into that trap again.