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Original poster

Phone switched off

29 replies

BringOnTheGoat · 12/12/2010 19:23

H left on wednesday for OW and has had his phone switched off for majority of time. He text to say he had left me and that his phone would be switched off, he would contact me at weekend.

I text him asking to call, which he did on Friday afternoon. He said he wants to pick up some clothes, etc at beginning of the week and arrange to see DD.

I text this morning asking him to call to arrange times for stuff and DD (it will help me arrange my week to know when he would like to come and I can have some 'time off' while he's with DD).

I have had no response and am getting p'd off. It is wholly unacceptable to me that he has his phone off all the time. it is also unacceptable to me that he thinks he can just call and say - I'll be there at this time for stuff and DD.

How can I approach this? Should a father not be contactable!?!

OP posts:
ninah · 12/12/2010 20:18

Give him times which are convenient to you, and try to avoid contacting him otherwise.

emmyloulou · 12/12/2010 20:30

Tell him to fuck off would be my response, and tell him to arrange set contact through a solicitor and contact one tomorrow.

The pack his stuff in bin bags and let him know it's outside.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2010 20:38

Go straight for a solicitor and get this formalised immediately.

if you let him call the shots so early in this process you are a fool.

Do not wait for him to deign to turn on his phone and jump to his tune.

I am sorry he has done this to you, he is a shit of the highest order.

But please make sure he doesn't continue to treat you like something he stepped in.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2010 20:39

yes, "fuck off and die" would be the correct immediate response when he next texts

followed by "my next communication will be by solicitor's letter"

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 12/12/2010 20:54

As above. What a terrible way to behave to the mother of your child. Shocking.

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2010 20:55

you can't legally 'force' him to be a father,sadly!

QueeferSantaland · 12/12/2010 20:59

Yep, bin bag of clothes, doorstep, text, hope it snows.

What a cowardly fuckwit.

Doha · 12/12/2010 21:17

Agree all worldly goods CD's clothes etc in binbags outside door--text him to say where they are and are no longer your responsibility.

Advise all contact and further communication to be via solicitor. Then either turn your phone off OR do not respond to his texts.

How old is your DD? is she missing her DF at all?

matthew2002smum · 13/12/2010 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrManager · 13/12/2010 01:35

Is it off, or is he just not answering?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 08:12

MrM...is there a distinction ?

prh47bridge · 13/12/2010 09:27

You have every right to be angry about the way he has dumped you. However, you can't force him to keep his phone turned on or answer your calls/texts. In the circumstances I'm not too surprised he doesn't want to hear from you and risk a confrontation. His behaviour is appalling.

It seems to me that at this stage you don't know if he is going to say "I'll be there at this time for stuff and DD" or "Can we please arrange a time for me to pick up my stuff and see DD". I hope it will be the latter but, given his behaviour so far, I suspect you may be right and that it will be the former.

You need to see a solicitor who specialises in family law and start divorce proceedings. Your top priority right now should be to achieve a reasonable financial settlement for yourself and your daughter.

It is very easy to be confrontational and get into power struggles in this kind of situation. However, if you can manage to keep things civil you will save yourself a large legal bill and achieve the best possible outcome for your daughter. With that in mind, I would recommend that you choose a solicitor who is a member of Resolution (www.resolution.org.uk).

Good luck.

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 13/12/2010 13:23

Thanks everyone.

His phone is switched off but he must have switched it on breifly to check texts as I had delivery reports from my texts yesterday afternoon.

While I would LOVE to bin bag all his belongings (although I am sick of packing his crap) and turn my phone off, I am loathe to make this all official. I am concerned about the costs of solicitor and worried that he will turn nasty if I do so.

When he left us before (beginning of the year - when I had PND) he said I could keep the house (no mortgage). I worry if I get forceful he would change his mind.

I have text just now - saying its has been over 24 hours since I asked him to contact us and it is not right he is uncontactable with a young child (13 months).

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 13/12/2010 13:28

What do you mean turn nasty? He has already turned nasty, into a shit of the highest order.

Time to get tough and make it all official, by being his doormat and at his beck and call he will shaft you more than he already has, sorry.

You MUST get a solicitor and if it were me his stuff would be in the street.

Divorce him for adultry, he'll be paying your legal bill, so book an appt now.

hairyfairylights · 13/12/2010 13:38

So sorry you are going through this.

I would flip this.

I would insist that he finds himself alternative accommodation (without the OW) and that he starts with 50/50 responsibility for DC.

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 13/12/2010 13:38

Turn nasty as in not let me keep the house. He is treating in a despicable way and I am very angry but I think reacting immediately may be hastey.

I thought there were legal implications for turning stuff onto street/changing locks?

If he ends up paying my legal bill, doesn't it all just comes out of our joint finances anyway so I will be sort of footing the bill, wont I?

Beleive me this is not about me being a doormat but I want him to see his daughter and to safeguard our financial future. If I am nicey nicey he'll be more likely to compromise.

OP posts:
alwaysright · 13/12/2010 13:40

Agree, keep calm, contact a solicitor, if you don't work you'll get legal aid for the solicitors costs, so don't be put off by costs.
For your sanity and dignity you MUST do this, do as he is doing and maintain a dignified silence:)

nocake · 13/12/2010 13:40

Take charge of the situation. Tell him when you will be expecting him to collect his stuff and spend time with you DD. Tell him that you will not be taking phone calls from him and that if he wishes to discuss anything with you he can send a text or write a letter.

I would also start divorce proceedings. He's left you before so has a history. is this the man you want to grow old with?

You are right to be concerned about the legal costs (emmyloulou is wrong, he won't be paying your legal bill) but you can take some sensible steps to avoid it costing too much.

nocake · 13/12/2010 13:42

...and legal aid will be reclaimed from anything you get from the divorce so don't assume that is a freebie.

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 13/12/2010 13:43

He wouldn't do it hairy Sad - he has proven what he is like as a father with his previous children. Unfortunately I was too dumb to consider that before we had a child.

DD would be dumped in daycare while he went to work and with shifts I don't know who he'd leave her with. Her safety and well-being are all that matters. I also wouldn't trust him to have her at the moment as he has MH issues, abuses alcohol, misuses his anti-d's/ sleep tablets and smokes cannabis. (Sounds like such a catch right!?! Hmm)

OP posts:
nocake · 13/12/2010 13:46

See my question above - is this the man you want to grow old with?

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 13/12/2010 13:48

Absolutely not - honestly this isn't about not wanting to dump his stuff and get a divorce. I just want it to be amicable for financial/contact reasons.

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 13/12/2010 13:52

"abuses alcohol, misuses his anti-d's/ sleep tablets and smokes cannabis"

In that case, I'd do what everyone else says - contact a solicitor straight away, start procedings to formalise.

and hey, we all make mistakes, I made very similar ones, doesn't make you dumb, hon.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster
BringOnTheGoat · 13/12/2010 15:11

have contacted solitior for bit of advice

all more difficult if i can't contact him and have no address

sorry to hear you, and so many others, have been through this

shame i cn't change the locks and switch off phone

sorry for terrible one handed typing - dd is bit clingy since all this Sad

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 13/12/2010 15:20

Good luck, BringontheGoat