Think me and DH should call it a day. But there's no abuse/infidelity etc, I don't know if I can justify doing it to our dc.

[peggotty]

We've not been right for years - very little affection or intimacy, we've had regular discussions/arguments about it over the years but nothing changes. I've had enough, I don;t think it's ever going to change. But I don't know if I can put my children through separation/divorce from dh, they're only 5 and 2, but I'm so unhappy. There is no abuse or violence or anything that could 'justify' me splitting up with their father, just me at the end of my tether. I don't know what to do. It just feels like I would be being selfish.

coul you do it? logistically and financially?

You need to plan a bit.

You might try a trial separatiion first?

How woul your H react?

Would you be able to stay where you live now?

Whatever you do, your H will be part of your life through the kids.

Maybe the first step would be to talk to him and tell him exactly HOW unhappy you are?! And take it from there.

peggotty sorry you feel so low.

As the youngest is only two, are you saying things started going downhill before you even had the baby? Have you tried marriage counselling?

Thank you both for the replies. I am a SAHM, so very financially dependant on him, obviously. Have no idea of the logistics/finances of separating. I know that DH will not accept it, and I will have a hard time persuading him that it's time to let go. I have broached the subject in the past and he has always insisted that we can make things better. But we can't . I have mentioned counselling in the past also but he is reluctant and it''s now got to the stage that I don't want to anymore.

perfumed, if I am brutally honest, we should not have had children (of course I love them more than life and don't regret that they are here). It some ways it's a miracle that we had them as we've not had a proper sex life for over 10 years. I don't want my dc to grow up with a bitter resentful mother. But I think it would damage them more if we split up. Particularily dd who is extremely sensitive.

peggotty if things have been bad for years, there is nothing good about that for the kids. They really will adjust if you are separated but happy.

His attitude to counselling is telling. He talks a good game but refuses to do anything. If I were you I would get intouch with a lawyer, you can usually get a free half hour. See where you stand financially.

Of course you love the kids. Don't feel you need to stay in a loveless marriage for them though, they will be ok in time, if they see you a happy mum.

Have you family to help out?

Sorry you are so unhappy peggotty. Sounds like your dh is not meeting your needs. Two warnings: in this sort of circumstance one can easily fall in love with an OM, and that might make things more complicated. Secondly, when kids are older and don't let you hug them any more, one feels the chill of lack of emotion from dh even more. Do something about it now.

No we live far from family. I think he would go to counselling if I absolutely forced him. He is rubbish at tackling problems, just lets them accumulate and overwhelm him. He comes from a very emotionally 'closed off' family who never talk about feelings etc. I am scared about coping on my own too - financially and emotionally.

I feel like noone would ever find me attractive again tbh, so OM is highly unlikely even if I wanted to!

Sorry you are feeling down peggotty.

When your H says he will make things better, does he actually do anything, or try for a while, or is it literally just words?

If he doesn't do anything, he's not really listening to you. If threats of separation don't bring him to his senses, then maybe he's really not too bothered about the relationship but wants you to make the final decision to save him having to.

Is he a good dad to DCs? I agree with previous posters that it is always a mistake to stay together "for the sake of the children", as they pick up on all the unhappiness and it doesn't set them a good example of how a relationship works. You wouldn't want them to follow the pattern, would you? They are young enough now to adapt to change, and having a happy mummy is better for them than having an unhappy mummy and daddy in the same house.

As for meeting someone else, give it time! Get used to being on your own and coping brilliantly, and as your self-esteem goes through the roof you'll find you are very attractive to the right man!

There's plenty of support out there to help you cope practically if you do decide to leave, and there's plenty of support here to help you cope emotionally.

i don't think your DC would want you to be unhappy.

of course you don't feel attractive. you've been in a relationship here the attraction has gone.