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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What sort of MIL will YOU be?

52 replies

charliecat · 27/09/2005 12:28

Or what do you hope you will be anyway...

OP posts:
teeavee · 27/09/2005 13:23

my PIL do my head in but I actively encourgae my dp to take ds to see them - he's just been at his mums for the weekend (holiday for me too!)

MeerkatsUnite · 27/09/2005 13:31

Definately NOT like the following which describes my MIL to a tee:-

Responsible Child" - "Family Hero"

This is the child who is "9 going on 40." This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.

As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental (although perhaps very subtle about it) - of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.

The family hero, because of their "success" in conforming to dysfunctional cultural definitions of what constitutes doing life "right", is often the child in the family who as an adult has the hardest time even admitting that there is anything within themselves that needs to be healed.

teeavee · 27/09/2005 13:33

flippin eck mmerkat, that person IS my FIL!!!

Caligula · 27/09/2005 13:42

A reluctant one.

I suppose I will have to try to accept that a DIL will not consider me part of her family. We live in a society where the older generation are marginalised and kept well back from the parenting young children generation. And I suppose I will try and remember that if and when a DIL keeps me at arm's length, that's not necessarily because she doesn't like me personally, but because she's marking her territory. And I have to respect that in our society, she has a right and a need to do that.

I agree that it's a different relationship with a daughter and son-in-law.

teeavee · 27/09/2005 13:44

this thread is making me sad
And my ds is only 14 months, FGS!!!!

Caligula · 27/09/2005 13:45

If it's making us sad, imagine how our MIL's feel.

acnebride · 27/09/2005 13:49

A nightmare. But I will mean well.

I know this because my mum, who is the most fantastic dm in existence, is a nightmare mil to my SIL because they are so different. Things that just make me bite my tongue a bit cause agony to SIL.

I actually can't imagine wanting to do as much as my mil and dm do for me - hope I can get off my lazy bottom and help my poor dil, if any.

teeavee · 27/09/2005 13:53

the mother/daughter relationship is so very different to the mil/dil relationship though, in that you can tell your own mum to butt out or make her aware of your feelings more easily than you can with mil

Caligula · 27/09/2005 14:03

Absolutely. But the mother/ son relationship is so different as well. And I think it does come down to that old saying about a dd being yours for life, but the son going over to his wife's family. That is still the norm, although of course there are exceptions.

Kidstrack2 · 27/09/2005 14:07

I hope I'm down to earth and honest. I'm quite easy going anyway but thats not to say I will be that way with my son or daughters partners. One thing I will never do is pass silly comments on a personal level, as my MIL to be has done in the past!

teeavee · 27/09/2005 14:11

caligula, I hope there are exceptions! if my ds grows up to be gay for example, there'll be no evil dil!

koalabear · 27/09/2005 14:11

just to point out to those who believe that the daughter in law keeps her partner away from his family

in my role as a daughter in law, it is me who is constantly reminded my DH to visit his mum, ring his mum, buy her flowers, birthday cards, birthday presents - it is me who invites her round for dinner, asks her to come on holidays with us, etc etc

i don't do this because i like her (but i would like to like her, if that makes sense) - she's a wicked witch - however, i do encourage his relationship with his mum because well, she's his mum and she loves him regardless of my personal feelings on the subject!!!

teeavee · 27/09/2005 14:14

that's more or less what I said further down (apart from the witch bit)

koalabear · 27/09/2005 14:16

teevee - the witch bit is only recent - before then i thought we were actually on good terms - am very sad about it - but's that's another thread, not this one

handlemecarefully · 27/09/2005 14:18

It isn't always the DIL's fault that the son stops seeing so much of his parents - that is true, it's just that many (not all) men seem to switch their alliegance to their immediate nuclear family and don't seem to afford much time and priority to their parents. Many just seem to move on.

Obviously your priority should be your wife and kids, but adult men seem to think that once the leave the parental nest - that's it! - it's Christmas and birthdays only for dear old mum.

Sigh.....

saadia · 27/09/2005 15:10

I hope that I have my own life and am not too obsessed with theirs, but would like them to feel that they are always welcome at mine and to know that I will always be there if they or my future grandchildren need anything. In return I expect some respect, courtesy and consideration.

suedonim · 27/09/2005 18:15

Well, I am a MIL! My DIL is lovely, very sweet and we have a good laugh together. We've got to know all her family quite well and are often in touch with them all even though they live 8,000 miles away. She rings me up and keeps me in touch with all the goings-on in her life. I hope I treat her as one of the family; after all, that's what she is, and she seems to feel at home with us.

Ds2's girlfriend is part of the family, too, and calls us mum and dad. I feel a bit odd about that, tbh, because I think I'd be quite upset if any of my children had another 'mum' in their lives!

shhhh · 27/09/2005 18:37

I will be the BEST MIL EVER !! . I will never interfere and will never try to take over. Hopefully I also won't keep reminding my dd (and future children hopefully we will have)about the fact that " I gave birth to them so I should know them the best" and I hope that I NEVER make any future S/DIL feel like they don't belong to our family.
I will post back with the outcome in approximate 20 years

Nbg · 27/09/2005 18:40

I promise to obey and stick to every give rule when it comes to caring for grandchildren.

Steppy1 · 27/09/2005 18:40

...I will never be a MIL...nobody will EVER be good enough for my darling DS and he won't ever want anybody who loves him quite as much as his mummy does (joking by the way in case anybody jumps on me !)

LadyTophamHatt · 27/09/2005 19:50

koalabear...you deserve a medal.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes then spend a second with my MIL.

She hates me and the feeling is mutual.

Caligula · 27/09/2005 20:00

I will feed my grandchild chips, turkey twizzlers and e-numbers when my DIL tells me to and I will not comment helpfully on how she can improve my grandchild's diet.

motherinferior · 27/09/2005 20:03

I have to admit I rather like the idea of flirting graciously with my adoring sons-in-law, who pay me outrageous comments in return.

WigWamBam · 27/09/2005 20:05

I won't behave as if my grandchildren are my personal property.
I will do anything I can to help out and make their lives easier, but not by interfering with the way they run their lives.
I won't demand that my dd and her partner run around at my beck and call.
I won't expect that any babysitting I do is "paid" for in the ratio 20 minutes babysitting = 4 hours gardening/4 hours rubbish removal/4 hours odd jobs.
I will acknowledge that my son in law is a nice person (and he will be; I will trust my dd's judgment) and treat him as I expect him to treat me. But if he ever, ever raises a hand to her I will rip him apart limb from limb.
I will not, under any circumstances, buy my son-in-law elastic as a Christmas present

Tortington · 27/09/2005 20:19

one of those nighmare ones that doesn't want her grandkids around cos shes got better things to do - and hopefully -a life