[long: sorry] any ideas for how I can accept him as he is (cool, distant...)...?

[outinthecold]

i've namechanged as don't want to out self. I am a regular.

Had another massive row with DP. We have had the same row for the 15 years we've been together. We both love each other, but we simply cannot communicate. We are very different personalities, and that was one of the things I really loved about him when we first met.

I have always wanted to know his 'inner life' but it is almost as if he doesn't have one. He can't articulate feelings (except the angry or sexual ones) Most of the time, I am fine with this as I can be a bit cool sometimes too. However I also often feel things pretty strongly and get excitable and passionate and rabbity and so on.

We haven't had much sex lately, although it 'comes up' once a month or so! He is much more demonstrative with our kids than he is with me - he knows they need a hug and a cuddle, and he can sometimes (not always)read their feelings.

When I bring up the issue that I feel a bit isolated, as if there is little affection in the bank, he usually loses it. Can't cope, gets angry. Usually the argument goes like this: 'look, all i'm saying is I want you to notice that I look lovely and say so' or 'I want you to want to walk over and give me a hug or kiss sometimes, and not have to ask you...' and he says 'well, I told you when we went to Relate that I have some issues with not being able to separate out feeling pissed off in general with you from my feeling affectionate/sexy [or whatever]'

I then point out that we went to Relate YEARS ago [when he was in a state of terrible grief and I was going through some other shite].

My perception is that he can't bear any suggestion of need from others because he sees it as criticism; his perception is that I am demanding and often nasty to him [for which I think he means I am bossy, critical and stuff] and so he doesn't 'feel' nicely toward me.

I am beginning to think we are just completely mismatched. Do I just have to accept living with someone cooler than I need? Or that my 'needs' are false ones and I AM being critical and 'nasty'?

don't think Ive explained myself well. Sorry.

It was nice to hear from you outinthecold, it is good that this thread got you and your dp talking, do you think you have had another breakthrough with him?

I am sorry that you and your dp are not liking some of the responses on this thread, can you explain what bits have upset you or your dp in particular?

From what I can understand it is the words abuse rather that cause upset more than the words aspergers is that right?

Nothing is 'wrong' with my representations, but they are partial by default: they are my representations. In all relationships both parties have different interpretations. Maybe I am too postmodern, in that I don't accept there is one 'reality'. Behaiviour is changed by its meaning, whether we like it or not, but who gets to define that meaning is the indication of power in any relationship. I do still believe, because basically I belive my relaitonship is a good one, that we are still both able to construct that meaning.

So, he does 'go on' in my interpretation. Does he repeat things exactly 12 times. No - but it feels like that. He would say it differently. He does get anxious when his monologues are interrupted. But I also interrupt A LOT.

I am finding your tone a bit difficult dittany. I 'ran' and showed him? I didn't 'run'. Nor do I think this is the one place I might get a different view. There are plenty of views and I will assess them all for credibility, including yours, and mine, and his, and Robin Sterns, and Patricia Evans's.

Hi, outinthecold, reality as you say is not his or yours, it sometimes takes the skill of a good therapist to sit and view his and yours and see the whole "mug" and it's handle so to speak! I hope you get your relationship on a more satisfactory, happy keel soon x

mummiehunnie, I don't like the abuse term - in this case. It is overused. I do accept that it is possible for someone to be being abused and not know thuogh because theyre in denial. I showed DP the thread because I wanted him to see there were other interpretations of his actions, other than mine. He didn't want to read on, I think because he finds a challenge to his rigid way of thinking threatening. This IS a problem, as I ve already said. He thinks of himself as a simple man who never learnt how to 'do' emotions, whereas in my family there were big dramas and big discussions. He has agreed that we need to get some outside help.

I am glad that you will both now find the time and drive for therapy outinthecold, it must have been difficult last night! I hope you manage to get the babysitting sorted and find a good therapist on Monday x good luck x

Hi outinthecold, I just wanted to add that I agree that as posters, it's impossible to describe a situation holistically, there are always different sides to each story. Of couse, we put our own spin on things as we are describing our perspective, and couldn't possibly describe the other persons.

Good luck with your counseling! In the end it's very useful that you and dh are talking about things. I hope you work things out!