My mother loves playing the martyr....

[taintedsnow]

I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I think her difficult behaviour comes down to this point. She likes to have a go at me (though will always deny she is in the wrong or that she has an issue with me), and will seize on very little to be able to do it. She will also remember or not remember details of conversations to suit her, such as me promising to do something, but her blocking it out and then claiming she will have to do it herself, and then going to do it and moaning at and about me while she is doing it. I can remember only one occasion when she has apologised to me for anything she has said, and it took me crying and walking out to do it. Usually, she will just not acknowledge it, or if it is blatant she is in the wrong, she will just claim she doesn't remember.

Does anyone have any tips on how to 'manage' a parent like this? I just want to have a nice peaceful Christmas.

I don't want to get into a big discussion about my relationship with my mother, been there done that I guess, I just need some techniques on how to handle her. :)

TIA.

I just let it wash over me.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone "having a go" at me, relative or not. I'd walk away and tell them they were being unpleasant and nasty and that if they couldn't be pleasant then I didn't want to talk to them. Can't imagine just standing there whilst anyone had a go at me. Time for you to stop getting upset and start getting angry with her, and seeing less of her.

I don't tolerate it, that's why there's a problem. She likes to argue with me and she knows I won't let her just have a go at me. I am not the favourite of the siblings, although I've never been able to put my finger on why that is. I have never once seen her like this with my sister (who is the favourite).

I can't see less of her as I am raising my nephew with whom she has contact.

I wish I knew the answer to this - my mum is similar, with an added dose of passive-aggressive. One of her favourite phrases is 'everything I do is wrong, isn't it?' followed by crying and walking away. So I'm instantly the bad guy. When I try to talk about it with her later when everything is calmer she refuses to refer to the incident and just pretends it never happened. Back to square one.

So I can't argue back without being 'confrontational', and if I don't stick up for myself I get walked over.

It makes it even harder because I know she loves me but just finds it so difficult to express. So then I feel guilty ... where does it end?

She was quite an awkward mother when I was young - not many hugs or spontaneous fun - and I always supposed it would get easier when I grew up. But it hasn't.

Sorry for the ramble/rant. Taintedsnow, I wish us both a peaceful Christmas.

Oh Lulu, I know that phrase well. It's either that or something like "I'm never right, am I?", or "here we go, wrong again". Then she struts off and won't accept that actually yes, she is wrong. These incidents are never resolved, because she goes off and sulks for a while until it is deemed that I am forgiven (er, for what exactly?!).

I think my mum does love me as well, and I do love her. But I've always known that I am definitely liked less than my siblings, and very possibly loved less as well.

We seem to have had the same childhood with our mothers Lulu. Everything was structured and it was not an emotionally open family. I've always wanted things to be different, but I don't think she respects me anymore now than she ever did.

Thank you for your post, and I hope we both have a lovely and peaceful Christmas too. :)

If you are raising your nephew then I don't see why you can't see less of her if she's unpleasant in the same way you could if raising your own child. Either way it's still her grandchild not her child.
What can she do if you see less of her?

I can't go into too much detail, but it's a court/custody situation. She is actually okay with DN anyway, so I don't want to stunt their contact.

But when I say I can't see less of her, I literally mean it.