DH's depression and drinking

[BringOnTheGoat]

DH has been depressed for some time and has been prescribed anti-depressants. He has a history of serious drinking and occassionally smokes cannabis aswell. His Dr also gave him sleeping tablets.

DH has not taken tablets consistently and has been drinking heavily. I beleive he has become detatched from me and sought solace elsewhere as he is finding life so hard to deal with.

DH has left our family home and moved in with another woman. Says he loves her not me and he can no longer take our volatile relationship. I admit we have argued a lot, i had PND and added with his depression and drinking we have had difficult times.

I am getting help to cope and deal with my anger but DH refuses to deal with his drinking or depression.

I am at a loss for how to help him. I know he will regret leaving - he did so before and said it was biggest mistake of his life. He runs away as a coping mechanism and has done since childhood (when he was sexually abused).

Can anyone help - I feel utterly devastated.

I posted this in mental health first but thought I may get some help in relationships

I am sorry that you have been left with a baby to care for and had to deal with all that you have!

Did he leave another partner before, or you before?

You cannot help him because he does not want your help. Some people just do not want to be rescued and or saved.

What have you got out of this dysfunctional relationship?

Women cannot fix men's pain by allowing themselves to be abused.

He cannot keep leaving and returning; it is very unsettling for you and any children who are unfortunate enough to be witnessing all this.

You are not responsible for him and his dysfunctional childhood. Him by self medicating with alcohol and drugs has only created more problems for himself - and anyone connected with him.

He and his behaviour has probably contributed a great deal to your overall low mental state.

Let his other woman deal with him; the scales will fall from her eyes soon enough.
You do not need him dragging you down because this is what he has also done to you.

Thanks - I needed to hear that. It's hard but I just can't help thinking of a future alone, bringinig up my baby with no father.

He left me before when I had PNd and was awful to him. He stayed in contact (unkown to me) with the OW for 'supprot' as a frined.

I feel like such a fool, feel it is my fault I pushed him away with my anger.

When times were good (which was more often than not) I had a loving partner. When times were bad he was emotionally abusive and difficult - always creating issues were there didn't need to be any.

How do i move on? what do I do next?

Am terrified of being lonely and putting Dd in nusrery.

BringontheGoat,

What would you say to a friend if she was telling you all this?.

Better to be with your DD and happy together than to be badly accompanied by this individual. Being a single parent is hard but that's got to be better than being with this horrid man. He has dragged you down more than enough with his behaviours. You do not need to be on the receiving end of such emotionally abusive behaviour nor should you be. You are not here to be his emotional punchbag.

Many people as well have really awful childhoods and do not go onto themselves be emotionally abusive as adults.

You did not push him away, he went because he wanted to go. He stayed in touch with the OW throughout. He probably wanted to make you the "bad person" so that he could say to others that it was your choice and you thus threw him out.

I would argue that he has never been much of a husband, let alone a father. He can and should pay maintenance to his child and you can divorce him if you wish that to happen.

What sort of individual also would leave their wife in the throes of PND whilst staying in touch with the OW?. A selfish one that's what. The OW is welcome to him I say, as written before the scales will fall from her eyes soon enough.

Enough of playing second fiddle to these damaged people; seek legal proceedings against him and reclaim your life and dignity. Apart from being a supremely selfish individual he is also abusive and would not bring anything positive into yours or your DDs lives in future. There is no future for you with this man.

You could in time go onto meet someone new but if you were to stay with this man who has now gone off with OW you will not.

I would seek counselling for your own self as these types of individuals can leave their victim feeling emotionally wretched. You do not and have never deserved to be treated so harshly. You need support; family and friends may help you here.

You may actually want to talk to Womens Aid now as they could be very helpful to you.

P.S You have a fab username:).

Thanks - I am being supported by friends and family. It's good to have support but I remember (from first time he left) how quickly it fades - people have their own lives and it is a long process getting through a massive life change. It's also hard to just talk about myself - I feel selfish and I'm sure it must bore my friends!

I have booked back into counselling and will focus less on how to rectify things and more on how to sort myself.

I think you are right that he was never a good husband - he had great, wonderful moments - but it was such fucking hard work. Just putting a spoon in the dishwasher and not leaving it out was too much, let alone being responsible for his own finances. I am starting to feel a distance I did not feel the first time. Although I'm sure I'll crumble the minute I see or speak to him.

I tried womens aid - they said they could only help DV sufferers. although they did suggest i go to their freedom prgramme in Jan. It's jsut feels like a long wait for everything and I feel so desperate now!

Glad you like it!! I change it every few months and now seemed a good time for a new me

Another poster on the mental health board suggested I ask for practical advice about how to go on alone. As there asre sadly many other MNers dealing with similar issues - could I ask for your input??

you cannot help him. let him go.

counselling for you to boost your self esteem.

local surestart centre etc get involved in stuff for you and baby.

focus on you and baby - not him.