Is he cheating? Not looking good is it?

[Yogabuff]

I am out of ideas. I need some help. DH is out all the time with his "mates" (again tonight) he comes home from work hours late, showers the minute he comes home and deletes all his text messages. His phone called me from his pocket yesterday and I heard a women's voice. He'd previously told me he was over in his mates house, there were no other voices on the 3 minute recording. I'm being told now that it was the friends flatmate? I just tried calling his phone to ask for chocolate on the way home but his phone has been turned off. He denied last week that anything is going on and I got more denials today after hearing the voice mail. I don't believe him. He works as a fitness structure in a ladies gym, he's very good looking so has plenty of offers.

This isn't all that's wrong, I am feeling this is the beginning of the end. We've only been married 2 years and have a beautiful 5 month old girl. We met while I was travelling it was a crazy, mad, passionate love affair and I think the reality of a baby and a wife with PND have sunk in and DH can't handle it. I've tried talking, writing letters, setting shared goals but nothing is working...

Help!!!(sad)

Time for an ultimatum. He has a child and needs to grow up.

He may be having an affair; but he is not going to own up to it and perpetually arguing will be wearing you out. He will also come out with the usual (utterly unreasonable and crap)excuse that he doesn't come home because he will be shouted at.

Conserve your energy. Say that you want him home much more: he is your husband and your daughter's father and that is where he should be.

If in a week's time he has taken no notice, you should just move out

I think it's past time for an ultimatum.

Just ask him to leave. What is the point of him? He lies to you, he's never home, he's sleeping with other women.

Do you own your home?

If not, just go somewhere else. Have you friends or family that could put you up and cosset you for a bit?

You've tried everything already. He's lying to you and ignoring you. You had a wonderful romance and have gained a lovely daughter - take the benefits and leave him to get on with the single life he's chosen. You'll be okay.

Plus: I'm sorry to hear about your PND (are you having treatment?) - I suspect it'll improve once you're out of this predicament.

Look it depends on what you want. Lets assume he is having an affair (he is IMO). If it ends and he comes back to your family both physically and emotionally do you want him back? Or if it is confirmed would you end it?
Then proceed on the basis of your decision. If you want to give it another go, tell him you know he is having an affair. That you are not an idiot and you don't believe his lies. He will deny but don't fall for it, you know yourself that it isn't right, instincts are very rarely wrong. Tell him it ends now and you go for counselling. Then follow through. Organise the counselling. If he doesn't change then you need to decide if you can live with him with another woman on the scene. Some people do it but I wouldn't imagine it comes very highly recommended.
If you can't then you kick him out. If you don't want to work on it initially then tall him you know and that he has to leave.

You don't know how you'll cope alone? Well, you kind of already do, what with him being out shagging gym bunnies all of the time and leaving his wife to suffer alone at home and look after your daughter.

What will you be losing by leaving? Besides a lifetime of misery and heartache?

Can you go to family for Christmas in Ireland? Take a little time and space to see things from a slightly detached perspective?

I think at this stage, there is little you can do but retain your dignity and move on.

If he's unable to be honest with you, you can't even start recovering your relationship and that would make it seem that he's not interested in doing so.

Some men will behave like this for as long as they can get away with it and currently he is. You have done your best.

Oh, poor you. It doesn't look good does it? And it can't help the PND to be so far from family support.What a knob he is.

I think you have to make it very clear that you're at the point where you will make a stay/go decision. It sounds like you've given him plenty of chances, not suggesting you give him more, but a conversation where you lay it on the line what will happen and the realities of moving forward.

That might help you gauge how he would react to you leaving NZ, if that's what you want, or how he sees things working out.

Thank you so much this is my first time on here and it's really good to hear your opinions

It's 1am and he's not home the phone is still off and he's missed the bus.

I can't go back home for Christmas I've only been back to work 2 months plus I spent all my savings while on maternity leave.

If your family knew how he is treating you, do you think they would help?

Have you spoken with them about your current situation?

No I haven't spoken to any family but I did email some close friends back home. I have people who I can ask for help from.

Say your DH isn't cheating, I don't think I'd be impressed if my DH was out with his mates all the time when we had a 5 month old baby and would be considering the future of the relationship!

But obviously if he's cheating it's a lot worse. But I'd want to kick him out anyway!