DH drink problem

[meandmytwoboys]

My DH is attempting to hide a drink problem, hes never obviously drunk, but i have found empty cans and bottles hidden around the house. I have confronted him about it and last time he admitted he had a problem and said he wanted my help to get over it. And then I find that hes done it again.
I dont know what to do, or even if theres anything I can do. I know that if he has a problem, only he can sort it out, but i just feel so useless. We are newly married and have a newborn son. He insists he is happy with me, so i just dont understand it.
His dad has mentioned before that he also used to do it when he was younger.
Btw, I've namechanged.

:(

Alcoholism is not about happiness or unhappiness and it's nothing you've done that has caused it.
He needs professional help and he needs to choose to stop drinking.

Hi Meand

I was with a pretty serious alcoholic for 3 yrs. I learned that it had nothing to do with me. so I echo SGB this has NOTHING to do with you.

unfortunately you can't change him. You can only decide how you will react to him drinking the way he does. How much can you take? will you take? You have a right to insist that he sorts out his problem, but what will you do if he doesn't?

When my ex pissed the bed I decided it was time to go. I didn't have kids so it was easier. He didn't stop drinking them and it took him crashing his work car to really sort himself out. He actually has a very supportive new partner who met him before he stopped and they had a deal that he wasn't allowed home if he was drunk. That helped him change. He is on the wagon now and doing well.

Your DH is the only one who can change his behaviour. I just really recommend you get support, consider a support group perhaps.

Have you confronted him yet about it this time, OP? Ask him and see what his response is and you will know whether he is prepared to admit/want to do anything about it.

Of course, if he admits he has a problem (rather than deny it) it is unfortunately up to him to want to do something about it. It is no good him thinking he will get control of his drinking because of you; he has to have the absolute conviction and desire to do this.

You could go to Al-Anon for support yourself; how much of an impact does it have on your home life?

Would also recommend you contact Al-anon as they can help you. You need real life support.

You cannot change someone else's behaviour patterns and you cannot rescue and or help someone who may not ultimately want to be helped. You can only help your own self here. He also asking solely for your "help" to deal with his alcoholism is also a bad sign; he has to do that on his own and to not involve you directly in that process. Many alcoholics do denial very well and can lie effectively. Your whole existance is tied up in knots.

Would you be prepared to ask him to leave the marital home?.

His primary relationship is with drink; you, your son and everything else come a dim and distant second even if you do all figure.
Does he work currently, what if he loses his job?.

How many people other than his Dad know about his alcoholism?.

You need to seriously consider your children's welfare in this as well - they growing up in such a household will do them no favours at all. The whole family need treatment when it comes to alcoholism, not just the alcoholic.

Do not cover up for him, make excuses for him or drink alcohol with him. Doing any of that is enabling behaviour and just gives you a false sense of control.

How long have you yourself known he has had alcohol problems?. Did you marry him in the hopes that he would somehow change once marriage happened and or a child came into being?. Am sorry to ask that but that scenario often happens.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and still drink. You are NOT responsible for him.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888

(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

Thanks guys

The trouble is, its not affecting his life in any way, apart from worrying me and spending money that would be better spent elsewhere. As I said, hes never obviously drunk, so it doesnt affect his work, he doesnt drive at the moment so theres no chance of him being caught drink-driving. So apart from the affect it has on me and our relationship in general, I dont think our son would even notice it if he were older.

I married him thinking that he had it under control. As hes not falling over drunk, its easy for him to pretend nothing is happening. He has a long and hard job, so often when I think hes been drinking, hes just knackered.

And WRT his job, I know its hard so I have told him before I have no problem with him having a drink after work to wind down. Its the hiding it that concerns me the most, I accept that sometimes people need a drink.

i already confronted him, and told him he needs to sort himself out or he is going to lose us. He claims that the cans and bottles I found (plus a receipt with the date on) were all from 2 months ago and he hasnt hidden his drinking since then. The receipt was from just after I got out of hospital with our son :(

His dad, exstepmum and brother know about it, but they joke about it and think hes grown out of it.

I think he just admitted he had a problem last time to get me off his back, I dont think he meant it :(

Name Changed for this reply.

I kicked my now Ex out a month ago for this reason. He didn't see it was a problem, but I did.

The excuses were all the same - the empty vodka bottle? It was an old one. The cans in the bin? They'd been hidden and he was getting rid of them.

"I won't not drink forever you know"

Telling the doctor that he'd not had a drink for 2 months when I know he'd been drinking.

Only EVER going to get help when I threatened to leave him.

The final straw for me was coming home one night to find that he'd been drinking neat vodka when he was supposed to be looking after the baby - he'd got too drunk to hide the bottle. What if something had happened and he was too paralytic?

The truth is that I've spent the last 6 years trying to get him to understand that his drinking IS a problem and that he needs to do something about it.

Years of having to hide any alcohol I bought because he'd drink the house dry if I went out. Years of not being able to feel comfortable having a drink in front of him as he'd use it as an excuse to get wasted because "I was so it was OK".

Even now I've kicked him out he thinks its because I've found someone else (I've not) even though I've told him a million times that its because of his drinking, he still won't listen because he's in denial.

You are not responsible for him drinking.
Lots of people have stressful jobs and don't drink.
You cannot make him change - only he can do that.
It may not be affecting him NOW, but it WILL eventually.

Either be prepared for years of this, or think hard about how long you are prepared to put up with it. Its not easy.

Sorry for rambling, but I have reached the other side now.

meandmytwoboys,

re your comment:-
"I married him thinking that he had it under control"

I had a feeling you did that, you were dead wrong there. He likely showed you no proper inclination beforehand that he was going to make any effort to change and address the real causes. You chose to ignore that and hoped for the best. Well it has not worked out.

"So apart from the affect it has on me and our relationship in general, I dont think our son would even notice it if he were older".

That above comment of yours is so absolutely bloody fatuous and so full of denial on your part it breaks my heart. Your son as he gets older will notice and he's noticing now even at this tender age. He is seeing and learning from you both all this dysfunctional stuff that passes for a relationship between you and your man.

Would you want him to have the same sort of dysfunctional relationship you now have or end up being with an alcoholic partner himself?. No?. Well what you are teaching him here is that all this is currently acceptable to you.

Someone who is hiding empties around the house (and there are more in places you have not yet looked) is having his life - and yours in turn - affected and destroyed by alcoholism. There are problems here you cannot put aside. He is dragging you down with him and burying your head in the sand as you have done to date does you no favours. It may not have affected his job yet but there are no guarantees here. He could well lose his job due to alcoholism; it does happen.

You have buried your head in the sand for too long with predictable result to you I might add.

You are now carrying/enabling him; alcoholics will do and say anything to get out of trouble; look what your H has said to you. He will do anything to get you off his case.

Actions speak louder than words and he is patently not interested in dealing with his alcoholism and the issues surrounding it. He may never be either. As I have said there are no guarantees here. What you do not want to do is spend the next year, three or five waiting to see if he does have some sort of epiphany. You as his wife also are the last person who can help him.

The ball is now in your court; what are you going to do?. Your threats so far have not been followed through so they are empty ones. He knows now that all he has to do is say sorry and that he'll seek help and you'll once again forgive him. Well till next time it all kicks off. You're as much caught up in this alcoholism merry go around as he is; this is why you all need help. He won't go and get help because he is not interested in wanting it (and he also has you to bail him out) but you can help you and your children here by getting support for your own self. Having him now leave the family home and you seeking legal advice would be helpful to you as well.

Listen to Attilla - she speaks sense!

Seriously, this is just the start of a long slippery downward slope.
So he's managing to keep it together at the moment, that just makes him a functioning alcoholic, and there is a fine line between that and a full blown drunk.
All the time you are enabling him he won't stop. When you stop enabling him he will probably hit rock bottom without you and only then will he ever do anything about it, and maybe not even then.
Can you handle a lifetime of this?

I couldn't

This is obviously a difficult situation, but there are positives here as well. Firstly, the fact that he has previously acknowledged that this is an issue to you is pretty significant. It gives you an entry in to helping him address the problem and also gives you a response if he tells you that it isn't a problem.

All the above posters are right when they say that you can't cure this and that you didn't cause this. What you can do is support him while he addresses this. I know its a cliche, but it is an illness. He has an inability to deal with certain aspects of either his current or past life and is self medicating. If you are able to work out with him what he is struggling to deal with then that would be a great start. You can then look at more appropriate coping mechanisms. This is a difficult process and it would be easy for you to fall into the trap of blaming yourself for his woes. Don't. It won't help anyone.

Obviously, this also depends on him acknowledging the issue again and being open with you. That may not come quickly and you will need to work out what your own thresholds are re his drinking.

He is functional at the moment. He could potentially be a functional alcoholic for the rest of his life - i.e. hold down a job, be a good parent etc. It does happen. The problem is that more usually the situation degrades, either with more drinking and the associated problems, or simply by the level of drinking staying the same but with your DP becoming increasingly incapable of dealing with his emotions, feelings, the pressures of day to day life etc. This is when relationships really start to rot.

You do need to be firm, you do need to take no BS but by the same token, this doesn't mean that you can't offer support and care as well. Just be firm and make sure that any boundaries/groundrules etc are non-negotiable and that consequences are made clear.

Just as a side note, don't assume automatically that AA is the sensible option. AA can be great for some people, but can really compound difficulties for others. It is quite a kneejerk response for many people but there are loads of other ways in which people can gain support to address their drinking.

Good luck to you. The situation certainly isn't beyond hope from what you've said, but I think you may have to steel yourself for some tough work ahead.

MOTB,

If your H does not want to seek help for his drinking problem then you can only help your own self here.

This man previously asked you to help him (that in itself a bad sign because he is making you responsible for his problem) and predictably he has gone back on that. He is now leaving empty cans and bottles around your home.

He will not go to AA on any rehab type treatment centre unless he himself wants to go there of his own free will. You cannot make him go there, any coercion or supporting him to do so on your part to get him into such a facility primarily for the sake of you or your family unit runs a high risk of failure.

Re this comment made by you:-

"And WRT his job, I know its hard so I have told him before I have no problem with him having a drink after work to wind down. Its the hiding it that concerns me the most, I accept that sometimes people need a drink".

Many people with hard stressful jobs do not drink to the extent that there are empties hidden around the home. You know that your H has got a drink problem and has had this for years, you married him thinking that he had this under control.

Telling him as well that you have no problems with him having a drink after work to wind down was also a massive mistake which gave him your permission to drink. That justified his behaviour even more in his own mind. What gives you the idea as well that sometimes people need a drink?. Where did you learn that?. It cannot be used as a crutch or to self medicate problems with; that often leads to more problems.

You meandmytwoboys are not responsible for him at the end of the day, only your own self and that of any children you have.

You have made threats that have turned out to be empty ones; this has given him yet more power within this unbalanced relationship and you are weakened as a result.

You should not be the sole one to care for and support him; you need support yourself and Al-anon would be helpful to you. I would argue that as his wife you are precisely the last person who can help him and I do not mean that at all unkindly.

Thanks for all the advice. I dont have anything else to add at the moment, but do want to point out that his job isnt stressful, it is physically very hard work, on a shift basis too, so sometimes he'll be working 84 hour weeks.

WRT "sometimes people need a drink", (and I dont want you to think im being defensive, its a genuine question) do you not drink at all? Nearly everyone I know will have a glass of wine on a friday to wind down, why would people drink at all otherwise??

Hi, I don't have a lot of time to post at the moment, but wanted to echo the advice given here.

Your DP sounds like mine was 4 years ago. He is now sober and has been for 4 years. It has been a long slog, but with AA's help we've got there.

Neither of us drink now. I emptied the house of alcohol and don't drink now to support him. It is a fallacy that drink helps people relax. There are other, better ways to relax. Will post later when I get a chance.

Many people drink as their way to fit in with others. It often boosts their confidence and helps reduce stresses they may usually have in a social setting.

The next highest reason many people drink is because they like the taste. Be it someone with a love for beer or mixed drinks, they seem to enjoy the taste.

Some people drink to relax, or feel at ease. One of the problems with this is that many people get used to feeling at ease and relaxed and start to rely on alcohol to make them feel that way on a daily basis.

"WRT "sometimes people need a drink", (and I dont want you to think im being defensive, its a genuine question) do you not drink at all? Nearly everyone I know will have a glass of wine on a friday to wind down, why would people drink at all otherwise??"
I think if you really do 'need' a drink then you have a problem.

I often say on a Friday after work "I need a drink" but what I really mean is I need to relax, chat to my friends and the drink is just a part of that social situation. I don't actually need to drink. My ex however used to really need it to get through the day and rarely went a day without it, which sounds like your DH.

First rule of any addiction-if you are prepared to admit you are powerless over the addiction(alcohol/gambling/drugs etc) then you have a chance. If not you will carry on with the self destructive behaviour until you reach your personal low. This is different for everybody.
For those that choose to ignore all the signs then their personal low usually involves prison,the gutter or the morgue. From my experience this is a fact.
Impossible to tell an addict they are an addict. The realisation has to come from within and the desire to change also.
I realise this is not very positive but it is the truth. He has to acknowledge the problem before anything can really change.

I agree with all the posts. The only other thing I would add is that often the problem is actually bigger than the non-drinking partner makes it out to be.
I know I down-played how bad my exP drinking was, and it turned out he was also hiding more than I knew of. Consequently the problem was much bigger than either of us let on.

Also like Deepheat said, he could be a functional alcoholic all his life. Question is: is that what you want? I'm not saying up and leave, but you do need to think about and decide what you can live with and what you can't live with.

What if he does start drinking before work? What if he gets drunk while minding the dc's? What if he embarrasses you when you have company?

It's a hard hard situation. I really encourage you to get good RL support

Just as a comment wrt 'everyone likes a drink'.

I don't mind a drink, don't have a problem with OH drinking, but I can go months without a drink. It doesn't bother me. OH can go months without a drink.

Darling father drinks like a fish, but isn't secretive about it. At nearly eighty he has the right to have a few whiskeys on a night or when he watches his football but I can still remember the hideous fallout when drink helped to break up my parents' marriage.

Also, if he needs to unwind after work he could always take up yoga.

One thing I've noticed now that I no longer drink is that actually, it isn't normal to drink a lot at parties, meals, social events, weddings etc. When my husband and I used to drink we surrounded ourselves with other heavy drinkers.

Now, I've noticed that most people tend to have one or two drinks and leave it there. The difficulty is that not all heavy drinkers have a drink problem, and can drink and drink and drink. I think you know that your DH is not one of these people.