Why am I so angry?

[SunsetAndEveningStar]

Background: XH and I split up 11 years ago after 10 years together. We were rowing a lot, which I put down to his being an alcoholic, emotionally abusive and unfaithful. (Naturally, he will have a different view on this.)

We don't have children together.

After a year or two of avoiding each other, we began to accept the fact that we would see each other socially - we still live in the same town; we have lots of mutual friends; etc. And so we do often now bump in to each other - at social events, or just sometimes in the street or in the pub.

My DP - a lovely man - is always very friendly towards my X. (We all knew each other before, when XH and I were still married, although I got together with DP only after my marriage had ended.)

I thought that as the years rolled on I would feel less antagonistic towards XH. But I don't, really. DP and I bumped in to him today. XH was pissed, of course, but also friendly. But I just felt such anger washing over me as I tried to hold a civil conversation with him. And when I say that, I really felt great waves of anger, in a way that almost frightened me.

I do not feel/have not ever felt such anger towards anyone else. And I don't feel that I hate my ex. I don't want to poke his eyes out, or make a voodoo doll of him, or anything like that. I do remember the nice times we had together, and there are lots of happy memories mixed in among the bad. I do wish XH well in the sense that I want him to be happy, settled, in control of his life, etc. And I don't want to be permanently angry with him every time I see him!

I know that I feel guilty - I feel that if I had only stayed with XH he might have controlled his drinking more. But, rationally, I know that isn't true - his drinking (and the behaviour that it led to) is the very reason I left him.

So is it that sense of guilt that just made me feel so helplessly angry towards my XH? What do you think?

Oh God, sorry that's so long!

he let you down. You wanted him to step up and he didn't.

You blamed yourself somehow, thought that it reflected on you, and showed how you failed.

When you left, you didn't deal with him, you just bagged it up and binned it.

Guilt? perhaps, betrayal and grieving the loss of what could have been, maybe. He treated you badly, cruelly and abusively. While you were with him your feelings of indignance and anger at being so badly treated were supressed. now you are in a space where you CAN have feelings, and these ones the ones you couldn't let out at the time, are still there, undealt with.

You saw him, they came out.

You didn't do anything wrong, you were abused and treated less than any human being should be treated. You had a right to be angry.

Sure it's infeasible to vent it to him now, because of the passage of time, but you do still have to process those feelings.

I'm not sure how you can deal with these feelings about him, perhaps sitting quietly and thinking about what exactly is it you re feeling, why are you feeling that, what do you think would happen if you allowed yourself to express yourself fully? What would you like to say to him at the height of your anger?

Do it at home, on your own. Challenge your feelings, question them and then if they are unreasonable, accept that they must leave your head.

Dunno if that makes sense.

Agree with LittleMiss. Also, I think you could be angry that he still doesn't know how he affected you, given that nothing changed for him, he still sees life through a beer glass. No need to feel deeply. And that can leave you wrongfooted, as if, why did I have to suffer it, then mourn it, and he gets off scot free?

Thanks, both, for your responses.

Turning it over in my mind, I think what really got to me today was that XH seemed broken, defeated-looking - and that made me feel as if I wanted to bully him, in anger, in reponse to his bullying of me so many years ago.

Not a nice reaction to recognise in yourself.

LittleMiss - yes, I will sit tomorrow and have a good think. Yes, your comments do make sense!

Perfumed - yes, I think he has no idea how all this has affected me. And has affected him, too.

Many thanks, and sweet dreams to both.