I would massively appreciate some advice.
I have never got on brilliantly with my mother who I feel has been disappointed in me, after a very precocious start, I have let her down. I was brought up hearing a lot of criticism, from 'Gosh, it's a shame your hair is curly', 'You're the clever one, your brother is the nice one, he is so nice' to 'you've put on weight haven't you, let's see if you can fit in to my old clothes from when I had ALREADY HAD ONE CHILD' (I'd ballooned to a size eight in my teens)... If I dressed modestly, I was accused of being boring, if I didn't, she said I looked like a tart.
I have had real confidence problems all my life.
My dear father died seven years ago, and I thought that his death might actually be a catalyst to enable us to get on better, my mother and I. However I suffered bad depression after his death and I found it hard even though I supported her financially and emotionally as much as I could. However, my financial support (I had a really well paid job then) has now been turned into how materialistic I was because I bought myself some expensive clothes etc.
Anyway, I lived abroad for a few years with my DH and had my first child. We moved back to the UK and around a year after that my mother met someone new. We decided to move closer to where she lived when my DH was offered a job there. She seemed very excited, had really turned a corner, seemed very supportive.
However, she said she would look after our DD when we went flat hunting. After a week staying with her, hoping perhaps she could look after DD for a few hours maybe, she had all this time refused to. On the penultimate day of our cisit, I mentioned to her it would be really helpful to look after DD for one afternoon so we could confirm which flat we wanted to rent without DD running around, so we could debate rental amounts etc. Again, she refused, in a roundabout way, as she had done all week - ie she was busy, she had something else to do (she often says this after promising to do something). Then she said to her boyfriend that night that we had been demanding and unfair.
Cue the boyfriend, the next day, accusing me of being hideous to my mother, of rejecting their hospitality, of being difficult and demanding. He started shouting at me (he was drunk) and pointing his finger at me, until I was standing in the corner of the room, with him standing over me jabbing his finger in my face (not touching).
I was extremely upset.
Now, two and a half years later we have another DD. We sometimes see my mother but she makes no effort at all with DD1 though seems keen on DD2. DD1 never wants to see her. The stories are long and varied but basically she's not that into us. BUT SHE SAYS TO EVERYONE ELSE THAT SHE IS. And what an amazing grandmother she is etc etc.
I have found it very hard to speak to her boyfriend and as they live an hour and a half away and never invite us that's not usually much of a problem. Often my mother phones me up and says she is going to split up with him, how annoying he is. I stay silent. She then says she's not going to split up with him because she's going on holiday or whatever and needs him to look after the house when she's gone.
This year my DH was made redundant, and has since been suffering from severe depression. We are still getting the meds right, but for example he refuses to see anyone who is not family, and is having a really tough time. As am I, trying to look after the DDs, DH and having really not one penny to rub together. I am trying to get a job but am unsuccessful so far. I am really stressed out.
So, my mother invited us for Christmas saying that her BF would not be there, that he was going to be with his children at his place in town. We said yes, and I thought it would be good for the DDs to be in the countryside with a lovely tree etc. However, after a few strange conversations on the phone, and much prodding from us, she has decided that I have just 'got to get over it' and that her boyfriend was going to be there. I don't want to go now, I feel betrayed. I don't want to be around him.
My mother makes me feel awful about me. I feel so childish and silly but I DO NOT WANT TO BE AROUND HIM. I also know my mother makes me feel like a pile of shit but I did think I could try to overlook it in order to give my children a good Christmas. But I don't know what to do. I am looking for any advice please.