Middle-aged mums - would you call time on this marriage?

[missmollie]

I post sometimes but have name changed as too recognisable to RL friends otherwise.

In short, married 14 years, 4DC (all under 13). Have been in Relate since October. My counsellor now tells me I am in an abusive relationship and that people in abusive relationships often don't recognise that they are in one (because they are often the product of one and don't know where the boundaries of abuse should be set.)
I was rather taken aback by this. On the face of it my DH is a good provider and has come to be a good dad but he does not communicate well with me and sex is virtually non existent. However, I truly crave the intimacy I don't get. (I feel I do the lion's share of everything, and support everyone, but there is little support for me. This has gone on for years. In fact I wish I had confronted all this earlier, and wonder how much I have become acclimatised to accept the marriage I have.) I thought the counsellor's 'abusive' description was an exaggeration. I would have said my DH is 'unthinking'. He is certainly not violent or verbally abusive.

I know this next bit sounds unbelievable, but it is true : my counsellor told me that another man - who should be hands off territory because he is married, but who has become a good friend - is 'good for me' because he fills the emotional and supportive gap that DH doesn't. (Of course WWIFN would say he is not a good friend of the marriage, nor I of his). I have had sleepless nights over this man. We have kissed, but no more. (I can separate out the two relationships, and believe I would be having problems in the my marriage whether or not I had ever met OM or not.)

I really want to know at what point in other people's marriage did they call time. When had you had enough of 'not good enough', 'not supportive enough', and did things change for the better when you made the break?
I am nearly 50, I am still fit and slim, but time is not on my side! Is it a risk too far to break out by myself in the hope that I can find something better than I have now? Did you recognise that your marriages were abusive, or did it have to be spelled out to you for you to see that you are. I am very confused, as you can probably tell, but would like to help me think of questions which challenge my marriage. I feel I have stuck with it and worked at (compromising) it for years. Where/what is the tipping point for you?
Really grateful if you have got to the end of this, and have some thoughts on it. Truly genuine request.

God I was going to the gym and having sex every day.

had never made that connection before... I always thought the sex was a form of denial, an attempt to pretend that because we had a "healthy" sex life (sex at least once a day FFS) the relationship wasn't that bad. Had not thought of it as an attempt to feel something.

You'll get through this stage noname.

Late to this thread OP.

You have the right to make decisions about your own happiness. Only you can decide whether it is going to better striking out on your own. If your relationship is truly abusive, that would certainly seem the best option and you only need your own permission to do that.

However, with that right comes the responsibility to ensure that no collateral damage is caused by that decision. Intruding on someone else's marriage is terribly unfair and I am surprised and appalled that a counsellor has sanctioned this as acceptable behaviour, because it isn't.

Exit affairs can often seem to serve a purpose, but causing pain in another marriage in order to propel you out of yours, damages you as a person. It would be tempting to let yourself off the hook for this behaviour choice by pointing to your abusive marriage and the effect it has had on you. I suspect the counsellor in unwisely colluding with you on this too.

What s/he should be doing instead is examining with you what other choices exist, that allow you to exit your relationship with dignity and self-respect. And to examine why you gave yourself permission to become an OW and therefore cause hurt to another marriage in that process.

It is too simplistic to say that you wouldn't have behaved like this if your marriage had been non-abusive and happy, because that doesn't entitle you to inflict pain on people who have done you no harm.

You therefore need some clarity and much more introspection on how you allowed yourself to do that and to stop blaming your marriage for that very separate behaviour.

WWIFN - Believe me I have wrestled with my conscience about OM for months. I completely understand what you say. I am sure there is a case to answer about being a selfish OW.

But...I think the counsellor meant that through him I understood what kindness and consideration could be like between two people and what connection with someone really involved. He has always been supportive to me and suggested I go for counselling in the first place as he knew I was extremely unhappy. Since the counselling began in October I have deliberately cut our contact way back. It is now very very limited. In fact he is out of the country. We last saw each other briefly in September. During his absence I feel I have to get my marriage sorted one way or another and this is all consuming at the moment. OM is not a main character in this particular Act. I have felt this relentless effort of getting through each day is exhausting me (and this has been the case for years, not just since I met OM.) There is little fun or lightness. In the past, whenever I heard from OM we cheered each other up hugely, we had lots to talk about and it helped us both get through the day. I KNEW that was a situation that couldn't go on. Hence the counselling and now only the occasional e-mail.

I'm glad there is some distance between you, which wasn't evident in your OP. I often read on here about how a kind, caring OM brings into sharp contrast, the faults of the abusive spouse. However, I am often struck by the incredible irony that a married OM is actually displaying abusive behaviours of his own, but because they aren't directed at you, this is conveniently overlooked.

From his wife's perspective, this friendship and physical intimacy with you, even if it has remained at kisses, could be regarded as abusive behaviour to her. Therefore, I think it helps to be more rational about this and to stop idealising a man who seems "kind", because what he's been doing and is still doing, is actually not kind at all.