Feeling low and not sure where this is going

[BranchingOut]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 8 years. We have a baby boy of 15 months, whom we both adore.

We have been experiencing some ups and downs since the spring - arguments that we couldn't seem to resolve and that would trail on for more than a week at a time. A couple of times he has said to me that he is only staying with me for the sake of our son.

Last Wednesday we had an argument and he hasn't really spoken to me much since. The argument came about because of work. He has a very well paid job (although our commitments are quite high) and I had been due to return to my job last year, but the return to work did not go as planned so I am taking an additional year out.

One of the reasons for this is that my job has a very seasonal recruitment pattern and most jobs come up with a start at a fixed point in the year. However, for various reasons I don't really want to go back to that job and am trying to build up freelance work in the meantime. However, he seems very angry about the fact that he is working while I am not - although I am working really hard at the freelance role, basically any time that someone else is looking after our son I am working. Apart from two evenings out with NCT friends and going to see a film once in the spring. However, I think becauase it doesn't 'look' like a 'proper job' he finds it difficult to perceive it as such.

I think he feels that he is getting a bad deal - although he has the senior post that he always dreamed of - and I have said that I would be willing to change our lives completely if that was what it took eg. move somewhere cheaper, both work part time, run a business together. We have so many blessings - a beautiful son, good health, a good sum of money in the bank - I don't know why he is suddenly so angry about me not working. I could become the main wage earner, but my income is significantly lower than his and it would also require a lifestyle change, which I don't think he is willing to do.

He said again that he is not sure if he wants to be with me and I have tried to take this very calmly eg. saying that is a pity, that I cannot force him to want to be with me, that if so we will need to consider how best to separate and move forward.

I began to crack a bit earlier and phoned him basically saying why is he torturing me with the silent treatment - after a week of it I am beginning to crack. His view is that he has nothing to say to me and that he doesn't know why he feels angry with me all the time. Am trying to persuade him to go to relationship counselling but he is not keen.

I posted a couple of weeks back with another relationship issue but am not sure how to link.

I would prefer a bit of space to this ongoing stonewalling but am wary of the situation of leaving home for a few days and how that might be perceived.

Hello branchingout. Sorry to hear you are feeling so low.

I think I remember your thread before. Wasn't it something about him criticising your coat? And the way you walked along the pavement? He isn't exactly covering himself in glory with this behaviour, is he.

You have said what he feels and what he says and how he behaves. What about you? How are you feeling about him? How are you feeling about the work situation. What changes would you like to see happen long-term?

What are you afraid will happen if you go away for a few days?

He sounds resentful and angry. If he will not contemplate relationship counselling, perhaps it would be worth him seeing a counsellor by himself? He says that he doesn't know why he feels so angry with you all the time - well then, he should damn well find out why and start working on changing it.

It is bad news that you are having to do so much guessing about what he is thinking - he seems, I think come up a lot in your posts.

I would suggest solo relationship counselling but how on earth are you going to find the time??

The only thing I could suggest is that you think aloud when you are in the same room 'You seem angry and I wonder if you're thinking you have a bad deal having to work all the time at the moment', that kind of thing? If you keep on getting into more and more detail about what you think he is thinking, at some point, he may crack and say 'THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M THINKING' and then at least you are communicating, if loudly.

So sorry that you are struggling so much, it sounds frankly awful at the moment. Take care of yourself.

Yes, it was about the blasted coat - which incidentedly did keep me very snug during the snowy weather, so hah!

I still love him. I just feel frustrated that he can't seem to see that this is just a temporary phase of me not working, or possibly see the benefits of me developing something a bit more flexible and home based. I don't think he has really begun to think ahead to school pick ups etc.

I also feel hurt that he can't seem to recognise what I do for our son.

Then again, if we do split up I think that it won't break me. Having been through a terrible bereavement I think that I could potentially cope with this. I feel that we have had a brilliant relationship and won't regret that.

Being together for 16 years - just the two of you and then having a baby, is a big change.

You seem to love the fact that you now have a son, my guess is your husband doesn't feel the same. I know that might be hurtful, but lots of men are ambivalent towards their children until they really come out of the 'baby' stage and start interacting more with the Dad. Maybe you could talk to him about this? It's fairly obvious to most people that when they have children their lifestyle has to change, I wonder why it's not obvious to your DH? Did he want a child, or did he feel pressured to have one?

As for you only going out 3 times - that is ridiculous. Why shouldn't you go out at least once a month, if not more, either with friends or with DH? Are you supposed to be completely without a social life because you're a Mum? I'm afraid I think you're being a bit of a doormat here - get a babysitter and tell your DH you need time off. I don't expect your DH never goes out for a drink with friends or work colleagues.

Sadly, I think you have to consider that he is having an affair. I'm not saying jump to conclusions or do anything drastic - I'm just saying think about it. What do your instincts say? Has he been off sex? Or working late more? Or hiding his phone? There is a type of man who cannot cope with not being number one in his wife's life and will look elsewhere when she gets pregnant or has a child. I hope this is not your DH, but his anger at you is classical behaviour of someone who is playing away. Horrible I know. But your instincts should tell you if this is a possibility.

Hope things work out, but getting him to talk to you about why he's acting this way is the first step. Good luck

Ultimately if he is not prepared to put in the effort to your relationship and is saying that he is not sure he wants to be with you, you have to listen to him. And clearly you are mentally preparing yourself for that.

But giving you the silent treatment and umming and ahhing is just childlike. I can understand that maybe he feels uncertain/confused - but at that point he should be looking for help to understand what he wants, not burying his head in the sand.

I think that as he is unwilling to even talk to you about this, he has effectively plopped it into your lap like a little grenade and run away to leave you to deal with it.

So I would suggest that you do exactly what came into your mind - follow your instincts and have a few days away. It will give you both some thinking space.

Another perspective here. I am in the position of being sole breadwinner in a situation where my DH gave up work. This was never within our plan or my contemplation and I hate it. I am so full of resentment towards DH because of this. Since leaving his job he has done nothing to find other work and is 'thinking about' retraining. Until very recently I was still paying for FT childcare. We have now lost that place as I cannot support us all and pay for that. I do appreciate what hard work it is looking after a little one (23 months) which he now needs to do BUT I feel angry because I feel cornered into a situation that I didn't give me consent to. I must keep up my high pressure job to ensure that we can meet all our commitments. The original plans to both get 4 day week and share things has gone. I cry myself to sleep thinking of how much I have missed of my DD's milestones and time to just 'be' with her. I resent the fact that I have no choices left.

Your DH may be finding his job stressful - there are redundancies on the horizon in my company. It is a huge strain and pressure to feel that you are solely responsible for keeping the family afloat. He may not be able to articulate that to you.

He may resent you having time and choices to develop your freelance work when he feels that he is in a constant battle to keep the wolf from the door. I feel like this and as I rarely get a moment when I am not over wrought working most evenings to keep on top of things and leaving the house early to get to meetings. I have to admit I find it difficult to be told about the lovely time that DH and DD have together going swimming, to playgroup, seeing a friend. I never have chance to do those things unless they are crammed into a weekend when all the chores need to be done.

Sorry that was epic. Also my marriage is very much on the rocks and to my shame there was a third party involved (posts on here) but just trying to give a perspective on what might be motivating his feelings of anger and resentment.

I remember your thread. I'm sorry things aren't better for you. I'm afraid I really agree with Belle, my XH sounds very similar to your H, and it did turn out to be an affair, but with hindsight, the relationship began to deteriorate very soon after dc1 arrived. X said he felt I put the dc's first, and that he resented the change they brought to our lives. (Since the split he's been off doing madcap challenges around the world with OW in a bid to recapture his youth.. )

He also resented that I didn't work (although ironically, him working away prevented me from practically doing much at all) and was critical over trivial things.

I don't know what you can do with this personality type. It's selfishness in the extreme, and it's very wearing to live with. I had to leave for my sanity, and am now happy with someone who is very different.

Thanks for responses - some useful suggestions and perspectives.

Howdiditcometothis - I am sorry you are feeling so miserable. That sounds like a really tough situation.

I don't know...on some levels I look at my H and think that he has everything he ever wanted...For many years he was encouraging me to earn more/get promoted (I did so and got a senior post), he also wanted to have a baby whereas I wasn't keen, but eventually my clock began ticking and we luckly fell pregnant. We have a lovely home which we reovated together in an area which he wanted to live in, whereas I did have to leave a really good employer in order to move here. He worked towards his post (a make-or-break promotion) for nearly ten years and I helped to coach him through a tough selection process and was waiting outside his building to celebrate right after he got the call to say that he had been succesful. This is all a bit random, but I feel that we have a long history of working together on things to support both of us - just as he supported me through my bereavement and various tough times I have had with bullying bosses etc.

Belle Belicious - regarding going out. I don't feel much urge to look around the shops, go to the gym etc. It is not so much that I feel desperate to be out or doing 'me' things, but just trying to convey to him that I am putting in the effort to build something else up work wise.

Looking back at my posts and seeing a few spelling mistakes. I am normally a really good speller!

On some levels I am really calm but I think I am internalising it a bit and making some silly mistakes eg. locked myself out of the house on Tuesday, smashed a bowl yesterday.

That's because you're stressed out. I looked calm on the outside but my hair started falling out.

If you've got a history of working through issues, it bodes well. You need to communicate as much as possible to get through this one.

I think I am a bit worried that going away might be seen as leaving the marital home or taking our son away from him.

Couldn't you make it clear that you are not leaving, or taking his son away; you are just giving both of you a few days of space to do some thinking and clear your heads. Make sure he knows that this is with a view to having a talk when you return about how you are going to move forward.

Would the 'talking while holding a stone' work, you know, the one where the one holding the stone can talk, the other has to listen and then, after an agreed time, the stone is passed to the other, and then it's their turn?

bump

Couldn't you find a reason to go and visit friends or family? Anything to give you a bit of space. If you don't make it dramatic, there's no reason why it should be perceived as such.

I don't like the sound of your relationship, my love, I'm sorry to say it. I did read your other thread - the one where you 'walk wrong' and suchlike - and gained the impression of a rather overbearing man, putting his wife down for reasons of self-justification :(

In this current thread, I recognise rather too much of what you're saying - especially where you coached him towards promotion, cheered him on and were waiting to celebrate as soon as he got it. I did this for my Xs. It was, I now realise, all part of the pattern in which the relationship was all about his glory and my role was to show him off in the brightest light possible. I reckon that'd be fair enough if it were a two-way street (if slightly neurotic!) but, essentially, I played mother to my partners' golden child. Like the spoiled child, too, they'd put me down quite meanly if I didn't happen to be accessorising them just as they'd have liked. And they were unfaithful, when they found a woman who enhanced them (in their view) better than I did.

Obviously you are not me! Your relationship is your own ... but you sound so down just now, I do feel it's be a great idea for you to take some time out, ideally with an old friend. If that's not possible, how about just going on a package holiday somewhere sunny & baby friendly? It sounds very much as though you could do with some treats and some head space :)

Please also give yourself a quick co-dependency check. Does your opinion of yourself rest on being essential to someone else? Would that need, now, be more healthily filled by parenting your baby?

Thanks. Feeling low today and dreading the weekend.

Oh, dear :(

What are your chances of doing something really kick-ass, just for yourself, at some point over the weekend? Angry gym class? Amazing haircut? Girly night? Pack up baby and leave ... ?

Update:

After 11 days (!) he was ready to talk - by which point I was rather cracking up. We had lunch together. He said that he doesn't want to leave, but did feel that we have some fairly fundamental problems.

One key thing that comes out is that he feels we have been living separate lives - although I think that is partly due to both of us having lots of work commitments eg. he would often work late at the office, I would need to do work at home in the evenings and at the weekend, therefore the other person would be doing their own thing in the meantime. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to go back to my previous job, but hey ho...

I think we will just have to discuss these issues and see how we go from here.

11 days? Jeeze louise.

Hope things are moving in the right direction but it doesn't half sound like a drag.

Maybe I am completely wrong here, but isn't refusing to speak to someone you share a home with, for 11 days, emotional abuse? I can understand you were cracking up (two hours would have done it for me), that was unacceptable treatment towards you and not a suitable way to discuss careers as adults.

I feel very sad reading this op. I remember your thread and coatgate.

I really think you would benefit from some conselling on your own, if only to help you verbalise what you feel, whether he is talking or not. I agree, this is emotional abuse. Your dh is treating you like an errant child. Ds may only be one and a half but it won't be long, if not already, that he will absorb this malevolent atmosphere. Your much wanted child is being affected by this.

Why not go stay with family/friends for a few days, you are allowed to leave the marital home without it being seen as walking out the marriage! You need time out here, to get your mind straight, and come back and deal with this. I am so hurt for you.x