how do i get him to leave?

[GoodDaysBadDays]

I've posted about my relationship a couple of times before - dh and I always had a 'volatile' relationship. He has a temper and although has never hurt me there have been a few occasions he has grabbed me a ripped my clothes or thrown things at me. He threatens violence and thinks if he shouts loudly enough or looks menacing enough it will shut me up. (That is the aim - he tells me it is to 'shut me up)

This is much less frequent than it used to be, only a few times a year for the last few years, but it still happens. I am scared of him, though I try not to be. It worries me that one day he will over step the mark. He says (when he is calm) that it is like a 'red mist' and when he gets to that point it's not something he can control.

I don't want to back down to his behaviour as I don't want him to feel it is acceptable behaviour but there comes a point where I have to stop as I don't want to push him anymore. He doesn't care who hears, dc's, neighbours, he doesn't seem to have any shame.

He's a good dad in some ways; he loves our dc's and tries his best by them most of the time. But we have very different ideas on parenting and family life - he wants peace and quiet a lot of the time and feels that parenting and the house are my job - which I'm not totally against as he does work hard and I'm a sahm but I don't like the way he will be aggressive infront of them or with them able to hear. I appreciate we wont always see eye to eye but don't expect to argue infront of them and certainly not have them experience his temper, whether it be towards them or me.

I don't need you to tell me this is not ok, I know. I've spent years saying I wont tolerate it anymore but doing nothing about it. I know it's what people in these situations always say but he's a nice bloke a lot of the time and he works hard so that we have what we need. I know if i was reading this I would be saying ffs woman don't be deluded - but I do love him, I just don't want him or our relationship to be like this. He has changed and mellowed over the years, I was well aware the sort of man he was when I met him but I suppose love (lust) made me ignore that.

Tonight he lost his temper over something trivial that escalated and got to the point where he was threatening me to shut me up and threw something at me whilst I was holding the baby. I said I wanted him to leave (calmly, I don't do shouting anymore) and made it clear I was serious and that I would not tolerate this anymore.

He replied with his usual thing of if i want to go then I should.

My attitude is that with 4 dc's he should go, but I know he wont. He will never be the one to do go.

I don't want to uproot my dc's. Apart from all the obvious issues, My ds3 has sn and it would be awful for him. I couldn't afford to leave either, I'm scared about setting up on my own. And I don't want to leave my home and don't see why I should! I've done nothing wrong! Tbh, I don't want to leave dh, but don't want him to be like this.

What I want to know really is though is where I stand with our house. It's mortgaged and I know until I found work I could get some help with the payments ( iknow it's after 13 weeks) but where do I stand in being able to stay? If I stayed how do I get him to leave? Or if I go will I ever be able to come back with the dc's?

Oh this sounds awful, I can't help much, but you need some professional advice. I would think cab or a solicitor.
You sound very matter of fact about it all, are you ok?

If once he left you were relying on benefits then they would pay the interest on your mortgage.

you would be able to stay in your home until you were able to find work and pay for it yourself.

If you want him to leave you take the DC to school/friends/ family and then when it is just the two of you you tell him he needs to leave.
When he refuses you tell him that you are serious and that he needs to leave now or you will be calling the police to have him removed.

If he still refuses then do exactly that and call the plice.
they will remove him and forbid him to come back for a little while.

If you think that he will kick off or come back then you can get a non molestation and residency order.

it is never easy to call the end to a relationship, particularly one that has been abusive as you are so dowtrodden you lose all confidence. but it seems as though you have reached the stage where you know you need to.

I hope you get the strength to do just that.

Lots of Family Law solicitors will give you a free half hour's worth of advice - there's a link to Resolution lawyers here. Get on the phone when you can tomorrow, get some advice. One thing you could consider is calling the police non-emergency number and telling them what happened - you'll have the violence (and this is violence) on record that way, which may help. You do need to get him out, pronto, and I'm glad to realise that. Stay strong - you're doing the right thing. Hope you're OK.

Do you need to think about deleting PC/laptop history? If you don't want him to know your plans until you're good and ready it might be an idea.

call the police. he was violent. tehy will escort him out. can you arrange for someone to stay with you tonigt and then change the locks tomorrow.

glad you realise that

Others will come to give you solid and ongoing advice.

Get yourself to CAB, IIRC you can go to court to get a possession order forcing him to go.

Women's Aid can help, this is domestic violence, this is abuse. 0808 2000 247

domeafavour, she sounds beaten down and almost, but not quite defeated..

You can fight this, you don't have to put up with it. Your children are learning from him, they will repeat your marriage in their own lives. By staying that'll be your 5 lives blighted, plus their partners, another 4, plus their own DC... You can stop this all now.

Please get advice, please get out, this will escalate. It only has one way to go.

thank you

No, i'm not ok really. I don't want to be doing this and reading the replies makes it sound so real and awful, like it's not actually true (does that make sense??)

It probably sounds matter of fact as there's so much I want to say but need to whittle it down to the essentials to get some advice without bogging you all down!

I called the police once before but by the time they got here it had calmed down and I just told them i was ok and they seemed happy with that. He throws that back at me when we row " why don't you call the police again?" as if it was a stupid thing to do.

I can't call them now. he's ok now. And i'm so torn. I know the sensible thing to do but don't know if i can bring myself to do it. Because i'm scared of the future and of how i will cope financially and because I love him and wish this would all go away. Go that sounds pathetic!

There is a part of me that does feel almost excited at the prospect of me and the dc's 'going it alone' but it's making that jump....

And I can't bear the thought of telling people

you absoloutely can call them now. he is calm because he knows if he does that he will get to stay in the house with as little fuss as possible. you know this will happen again.

have you got good family support?

That going it alone thing is bloody scary, but it's also great - I left my first H (no violence or anything) with my older DCs. We lived in a miserable flat but I was in control, for the first time in years. Just silly things like me being in charge of what was on the telly seemed important - it was my ship, and I was running it. It did me the world of good. So don't be too scared of that; you're right that it's exciting. Daunting, but exciting. You sound like a strong sort of woman - it will be OK.

I have family support but have issues with relying on others. I hate asking for help (MN being the exception obviously!) But yes, they will be great, i'm sure

he's very rarely at home so a lot of the time it is like being on my own, that's one of the reasons I don't want to go anywhere, i'm quite happy with how it works until he's here!

Gigantaur - That sounds like a good plan with taking the dc's out of the equation and talking to him then but I am scared about doing so, I wonder if it was just me and him and he kicked off if not having the dc's here might make him go one step further. I'm scared of not being around for them. I know that sounds dramatic and it's only a small part of me that thinks like that but it worries me that I do think like it. It seems daft now too, with him sitting there eating cereal trying to chat to me like nothing's happened. He'll be lovely tomorrow, no doubt

oh Op you poor thing you are terrified of what he will do. one idea would be to take the dcs to school, ring the police and ask them to remove him and then only tell him to leave when you know tehy are already on tehir way?

Ring Women's Aid. They will have been through this with people a billion times.
You might have to be persisent though as sometimes its an answerphone.

he's only here after 7pm usually, he leaves at 5am so would have to be the eve and dc's (14,13,3 and 1) are hard to be rid of that time of night - the babies have never slept anywhere else so may wait til they're asleep and have the teens out somewhere.

It all sounds so daft written down, and possibly he wouldn't kick off if just us talking. It depends on his mood.

Might go and talk now, he seems like he wants to talk to me about random shit so worth a shot. All dc's asleep (a bloody rarity!) so good opportunity.

take care, don't be afraid of calling the police if he starts again. and don't let him make you feel stupid for doing it. you must protect yourself and your dCs