Am I an awful friend ?

[Northumberlandlass]

Ok ? so I have friends from all sorts of circles / backgrounds etc, and there is a cross over in my biggest hobby. I didn?t want to name change, so don?t want to spell it out as it will be quite obvious who I am in my small town.

It is a big group and we meet weekly.
So, this weekend a night out has been arranged. Partly for Christmas, but also for my birthday which is next week.

It has been arranged with the ?pub lot?, a group of men and women who enjoy a meal, a good few drinks and a laugh.

I have another friend (let?s call her X), who isn?t part of the ?pub lot?, I love her dearly but she is high maintenance. She saps energy / fun out a room, she won?t drink and when I do she thinks I am wild and uncouth. We do have a lot in common in other ways, and we have helped each other through some tough times.

So ? we have our usual meeting tonight, also the night I have to collect the menu?s in from the others.

I feel awful because I haven?t invited X, mainly because I want to relax and have fun ? which I don?t feel I can do when she is around. But also the others who are coming aren?t particularly close to her and find her hard work. But she desperately wants to be included.

SO wise MNetter?s what do I do ? I don?t think she would come anyway, so do I invite her ??

I realise that in comparison to some of the problems on here, this isn?t a biggy .
TIA.
X

I have a few friends like this and it's always a dilemma. They'd do anythig for me and could really use my friendship in return but... they do sort of take over my evening/event. In general, I wait til a group has got to a critical size, probably about 12, and then invite them to anything bigger than that. How many people are already invited?

Iwouldn't invite her to the event, but would arrange to go out with her on her own at a later date

How would you like to be treated if the roles were reversed?

Does she know about the meal, that she is deliberately being left out?

How do you know the others find her hard work? Bitching about her or allowing others to does sound pretty crap.

I can sympathise, as I have a good friend whom lots of people see as a 'small doses' person. But I think I would invite her.

There are about 10 going, so it isn't a huge night out. Just that she will find out about it and she will be hurt (and make I know she is).

Good idea about a night out for just us. Well, I say night out...probably a cup of tea and cake !
x

Invite her to something else BEFORE she finds out about the meal. That way she can say 'Oh I'm not seeing NL on Staurday but I am seeing her next week' and save face if anyone mentions it to her.

Difficult though. I do think if you invite her you are unlikely to get stuck with her all night as 10 people should dillute her enough. Don't worry that your other friends aren't wild about her, everyone can't like everyone else!

Robberbutton - I know exactly what you are saying and I agree I would be mortified to be left out.

The reason I know people think she is hard work is bceause they have told me so ! Not bitching really - they just tell it like it is.

I am leaning towards inviting her, would hate her to be hurt. Surely my friendship is more important than whether I have fun or not on a night out ??

Thanks, lots to think about.

Have done the majority of arrangements via email, but quite a few have said they will sort it out with me tonight.

She really does want to be included

I think you are right Madam, maybe I should mention it, but ask if she wants to do something over the weekend together.

why not say "I have arranged this night out with xx people, you are very welcome to come but I know its not your sort of thing so I wondered wheher you and I should do xx on xx night."

That way it doesn't look like she is being excluded but that you have given consideration to her and what might be a better arrangent for you both. If you have already got somehing in mind for you to do with her she shouldn't feel aggrieved.

That's a good idea, MD. NL, if you invite her with, 'I'm not sure this is your thing, we'll be drinking' if she accepts then she can't be a misery guts.

"I am leaning towards inviting her, would hate her to be hurt. Surely my friendship is more important than whether I have fun or not on a night out ?"

Lol, that does sound pretty drastic!

I think inviting her would be the kind thing to do, but could you explain to her how her reaction to your drinking makes you feel? Or what Madam said- you would love to invite her to this event but didn't know if she would enjoy it.

Good luck, hope it goes well :)

Thanks for all suggestions.

I am quite dramatic Robberbutton !

Honesty is probably the way to go with her, she is very blunt and often says things to me which make me wince. But she can take it and likes people being straight.

You have helped sort my head out. so thanks again !

Just thought I would update you all, as you were so kind to answer my original email.

I did email my friend telling her that we were going out and that she would be welcome to come, and listed those who were going (as it would be an indication of the type of night it would be) and she has declined the offer. But thanked me for inviting her.

So, will have my wild night on Friday and will arrange another time with her.
x

Well in answer to your original question NO you are not an awful friend you took time and energy to consider your friend's feelings, were prepared to put that before your own, and came up with a compromise which suits you both.

You sound like a very good friend. Hope you have a great night out!

Result! :) well done.

Have a brilliant night!