people with depressed DPs....

[nutsandtangerines]

Please come and tell me what I can do for my DP before it is too late
He is not depressed - I am.
I am pregnant, I think I have antenatal depression and am exhausted with quite bad asthma and the beginnings of DP. Work is very stressful and demanding. I feel like DP and dd get the absolute dog ends of me at the moment.

What I can't do: be energetic, take them all out for fun days out at the weekends, do much creative housekeeping or nice cooking, have a night out with DP, generally be fun or good company.

What I can do: express appreciation that they are both so brilliant (in words)... try to cry as little as possible or in private.

What else? How can I show that I am grateful to DP for all the energy he is putting into this family, and show dd all the love I feel without being able to run around with her?

People with depressed DPs: please come and tell me what do you wish they could do, that they can do - something that will make all the difference. I feel like a drain.

Oh you poor thing. Telling them that you love them is a huge thing. You don't need to run around at weekends with DD for her to know you love her. Try to show interest in her reading/artwork from school, cuddle up together on the sofa at weekends with a film for her and some quiet time for you.

Tell your DP you love him as often as you can and encourage him to seek out friends/activities so he has some time for himself.

make sure you getting help, therpay, medication whatever. that is the best you can.

take repsonsibility for your depression, grab it and deal with it by seekig help via GP.

and maybe give them a break at times eg you go off stay with relatives/friends, make sure DP/DD get to spend time around non-depressed people.

Thanks, loves2cycle and cestlavielife.
I saw the GP a couple of days ago, she said someone is going to phone me about counselling, but I don't know when.
Good points about DP seeing other people.

I think I should maybe try to get some of the pressure off at work. Aren't you supposed to have some kind of health and safety assessment? My crazy boss is doing my head in and her PA keeps pressuring me to do meetings at crazy hours. I don't feel strong enough to fight about this at the moment, I wonder if there is some legitimate HR route that I can go down?

dd is at the childminders today with a cold and I feel so guilty about this.

I feel like every time DP gets us through one phase something else starts. I feel like I have only just stopped puking the whole time and now I am just crying all the time.

Reducing the stress at work sounds a very good idea. Well done you for thinking of that.

You could ask to speak with your line manager and/or HR department confidentially and explain your situation. They should be able to agree reasonable work hours/load with you which takes account of your depression. Yes there they have an obligation to provide a safe, healthy workplace and that includes removing excessive stress.

Thanks - didn't mean to talk about me.

Please can I have more dos and don'ts from partners of deperessed people?

thank you!

I would also ensure that your DP has a good understanding of what being depressed means eg it's an illness not you being 'weak' or you who 'just' need to get on with tnhings/life. Could he go with you to see the GP (if you are comfortable about it)

Also can you try and explain to your DH what can help you? It can be very unsettling to see someone you love so desperate. knowing that just giving you a hug when you are crying is making a huge difference for example is a lot of help for the other partner.
you shouldn't need to go and 'hide' when you are crying. It is not your fault if you are deressed and welling up at the slightest thing.

Remenber too that if it is Antenatal depression, it will probably just disappear after the birth (so it is likely to be a short term issue).

Rest rest and rest!!! and try acupuncture (did wonder to me when i had problems with depression). Ensure you are eating well (I found nice comforting cooked foods worked better for me than a sandwich and a salad).iyswim)

Oh, yes I would also look at work very carefully ; could you do something less stresful/ or even go on ML as soon as possible ?

I have a depressed DP, and all I want is for him to get better. It's ok if he can't leave the house, if he can't tidy up, if he can't - whatever - because it's not his fault. He's ill.

What can you do to show love? Um. Maybe even something 'simple', something which he knows is taking you a lot more effort than it would normally because you're ill - like making him a cup of tea, etc.

Perhaps just talk to him about it, if you can.

I agree with Justmeandthekids. Tell you DH what will make you feel better.

I had an ExP with depression and i just felt helpless the whole time. Apart from tidying up after him and making sure he ate i didn't know what else to do. If he'd just told me to hug him, or to leave him alone i would've done it gladly, but i didn't know what to do for the best.

Try and keep the lines of communication as open as possible. Explain to him how you are feeling and what you want him to do and it should help matters.

Think how you feel when your DC is ill and how helpless you feel and that will be how your DH is feeling too.

There is a really good book explaining depression called 'understanding depression' by windy dryden. I have found it excellent at helping me understand what a depressed person is going through.

Also depressed people can come across as selfish - not that they are selfish but depression reduces your ability to think as widely as you might otherwise do, about the needs and lives of other people - though OP you are doing fantastically to be so thoughtful about your DH needs!

But if my DH has had a phase of bad days, and the emotions in the house seem to be dominated by his low mood, it can feel very selfish of him to act this way and it helps for me to think - 'this is not him being selfish, it is the depression making him act in this insular, self absorbed way'.

When I get to that stage as well, I know I have to spend time with one of my more cheerful friends, to get myself back on track. So I make sure I prioritise seeing a friend who I'll have a laugh with.

Sorry your DP, not DH.