Am I being unreasonable?

[littlemac]

Hoping someone can tell me if I'm being overdramatic.

DH and I hardly communicate any more. I do almost all the housework (he cooks meals on nights I have to work) and take responsibility for all our two DSs activities etc. When DH does try to help he always makes more mess and when I ask him to tidy up he gets defensive.

All we seem to do these days is argue, and oldest DS (age 6) is picking up on it.

In the last six years we have had sex about five times. He tries to start sex about once every few months and I freeze. I just don't fancy him anymore. He doesn't seem that interested too. We never kiss and very rarely hug.

We both work long hours (I work evenings to spend time with DSs) but it's always me who has to move things around if one of DSs is ill or if something's happening at school.

I've been ill recently and DH hasn't helped much so have had to rely on family and friends.

I've always felt really strongly about staying as a family unit for the DSs but DH just makes me unhappy. I think about when DSs grow up I can leave him but can you stay in a relationship that long with someone you don't love?

No, you can't. And you mention that your eldest DS is already picking up on your arguments? Pretty soon, he'll think that it's okay to treat you this way, and then he'll go on to think that your relationship with his father is how a relationship should be, cue massive issues in his future relationships with women. Youngest DS will probably follow the same path.

I'm a firm believer in not staying together for the children, because when all they see is their parents - who are supposed to love each other and provide a safe, loving and secure environment for them - fighting, then you have to ask yourself what exactly the point of staying is? When you think of it like that, it certainly can't be for their benefit.

On a practical level, you don't sound like you'll suffer too much without him.

Staying for them (for you) to achieve what?

When they have grown up they will have two even more unhappy parents, and a distorted view of what marriage and a happy home should look like. Not to mention, when they reach the point where they are old enough to ask why on earth you stayed so long and/or have less respect for you for doing so.

My mother has been with her partner for over 30 years. She is adamant that she doesn't love him and stays out of pity as he threatened to commit suicide if she left. He is a miserable git so she no longer has friends or a social life. His DCs (my half siblings) rarely visit and one of them doesn't speak to him. We all despair at her choice, as she is a shadow of the happy single woman I remember as a child.

Please don't do that to your DCs. Once you're happy, they will be too. The initial upheaval is worth it.

what's the point of a strained family unit?

no point at all - not good

it is only when you leave that environemnt you realise how damaging it is for all concerned.

even if only temporary - get away for a week or even weekend and feel the difference...what day to day lifecould be like

It sounds like your DH isn't really supporting you, emotionally or practically. It's no wonder you don't feel much respect for him (reading between the lines - the bit about you being ill, and instead of your partner, the father to your kids stepping in, you had to rely mostly on outside help - that isn't a partnership and speaks volumnes), and that you feel resentful enough to clam up when he wants to get close. People usually need to feel loved, appreciated, valued and supported for their emotional needs to be satisfied - I can well understand the automatic mechanism that kicks in if you've been seething at his lack of help and then 1hr later turns around and tries it on. Hardly a sexy environment, is it!

Not sure what I have in terms of constructive help here, other posters have offered some valuable advice which I hope you will listen to :) Particularly the bit about bringing your DSs up in such an environment - I wouldn't want to bring them up for years communicating the above sort of message about what a healthy relationship entails (and the "give-take" balance that two people NEED to bring to a relationship for it to sustain itself in the long term without one half feeling exploited and undervalued).

Thanks for your replies. cestlavielife I like your idea of a temporary separation - even if not a 'separation' maybe some time on my own with the kids. Then at least I would know if I missed him.

Our relationship was fantastic long before dcs (it declined before DS1, we had family stresses). If I could get past the sex thing I'd like to see if we can make it work again - I guess seeing your posts advising me to get out made me realise I'm not ready to do that yet. At least, not when I'm sitting on my own at home. When he's here I often feel differently, I just don't like being with him. And I just can't stand the idea of sex with him, which has gone past being about having young kids. It started when we had fertility problems having ds1 - has anyone else had this and got through it?

I wish I could get across to him how unhappy I am and how much I think we would all benefit if he could be more part of the family. But every time I try he just doesn't understand, he gets defensive. I'm scared of having 'the talk' with him, I don't know why, his moodiness just intimidates me, it never did until a few years ago.

He isn't a bad man and he isn't mean to me or the dcs - I have been in an abusive relationship and believe me this isn't one. He's just unhelpful and grumpy. He doesn't start arguments, they just start when I ask him to do things differently or I complain about him not pulling his weight or taking the slack with the dcs.

I know I'm rambling but I just don't know how I feel. I don't want to leave him but I don't want to be with him either. If we didn't have kids I would be out like a shot, but I like seeing my kids as part of a family, it's not just for their sake but I enjoy it when we are all having fun together. But I do look forward to the nights he's away with work, just one less thing to worry about.

frgr you are so right about me not feeling respect for him. I look at him and I see someone who finds it impossible to do what I do domestically, who has few friends, who doesn't have very good skills for dealing with two young children's emotional needs, and I wonder how on earth he holds down such a responsible job.

So is it really that I'm being mean to him? If I showed him more respect, would he step up to the plate and start to deserve it? After all, I don't love, appreciate or value him either. Not anymore.