How do i stop my mother doing this to DD

[redderthanred]

My mother, well meaning as she is, has boundary issues.

She has to know everything, if she doesnt, or she ask and you wont tell her there are full scale strops or other maliluptive behavior as she tries and gets her own way. Her and i usually have a big bust up about it every 4 months or so. She is like this with everyone, forever, not just me.

Shes doing it with DD and it fucking bugs the shit out of me.

I dont do it to DD, When she comes out of nursery or something i just say, ' hello my girl, did you have a nice time' or something like that, and then she either tells me stuff, or she doesnt. Sometimes she will tell me later in the day, and sometimes she wont. Im not going to bombard her with 5001 questions to get the minute detail of exacally what she has been up to, and what every one of her friends have been up to.

Yesterday she had a taster session at school. So, not wanting to make a big/stressful/pressured deal out of it, i didnt ask her much on the way home. Just if she was ok, and if she had a nice time. ( she has since told me what she got up to in dribs and drabs.)

We popped round mums as DD had brought her an xmas decoration and wanted to give it to her. Mums bobmarded her with questions before DD had even got her coat off. When DD sayed she didnt want to say, or didnt want to tell her, my mum was saying things like ' well, i dont want to be your friend then, or i shall cry then, or you have made me sad.

I stepped in and tole mum off. I had only told her on monday that i was not going to question her ( as a hint that she should not do it either, because its not nice)

Basically its realyl pissing me off.

What do i do about it?

Why do you think she is acting like this?.
BTW you did not make her this way and you are in no way to blame for her inherent ills. Sometimes such things start in childhood.

I would keep your DD well away from your Mother as of now. You need to limit contact with her as well and set firm and clear boundaries. If she continues to disregard or ignore as is likely then limit all forms of contact. If you do not have caller identity I would install it and screen your calls. Do not visit her house.

You may also want to look at the Stately Homes thread on these pages.

Such people are happy to pass on all their dysfunctional issues to the next generation i.e your DD (as you have seen) and it won't get any better. These types of problems can and do become generational ones.

You do not mention your Dad; is he around?.

Do you have siblings - if so how do they handle their mother?. Would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

I think you need to talk to your mum when she's in a good mood, and when DD isnt there. Spell out EXACTLY what she is doing wrong.

Buy your mum a copy of 'how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk for Christmas?

Seriously though, your poor DD.

Perhaps rather than presenting your mum's behaviour as a problem (which she might take offence at) could you say something along the lines of:
you understand she'd like to know more about what DD is up to when she's not with the family and so would you, that it is quite normal for children of her age to volunteer more info if you don't bombard them with questions and that you are consciously going to not question her for a few months to see if it works and you would like your mother's support on this.

I would think your mother has always had boundary issues.

I don't think she would willingly or even want to listen to you no matter how well put or politely phrased. She is always right. These people also do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial behaviour.

She is also behaving very similarly with everyone who she comes into contact with (and I reckon they have backed off completely as a result as well).

You would not let a friend treat you or your child like this; your mother is truly no different here.

You need to tell your mother clearly that she is not to tlk to your dd like this, especially the emotional blackmail, and when she says things like that to your dd in front of you you need to step in and say something in front of your dd, so that your dd knows that it is not normal and not right, and then she will be able to challenge your mother directly in the future too.

If she says "tell me or I will cry" just say "don't be so ridiculous, that is emotional blackmail and you should not be saying that to dd, dd, don't listen to here, you don't have to tell her anything you don't want to, she is a grown woman and it's not your responsibility to keep her happy, it is her own" or something.

Yes. you are all right. Especaially Attila.

I have no end of 'mother issues'

I do my best to deal with them the way i can. I accept she is that way, i cannot change her, but can only change the way i react to her.

But i will not have her doing the same to DD. I dont and never will scrutinise her behaviour, and i dont expect anyone else too.

I shall try and have a quiet word again but i dont think she will listen. ( i know she wont.

I could maybe maybe just tell DD to take no notice. ( she said on the way home, that grandmother is a bit silly sometimes isnt she mummy'

Bless your dd! Well at least she has spotted the problem for herself.

I'd tell your dd to take no notice, in front of your mum. Then tell your mum to act like an adult, or else you will be going home straight away.

"I won't be your friend" indeed. That's 4yo behaviour!

You must intervene at the very first question that oversteps the mark, and if she ever says crap like "well I won't be your friend" then you must either leave, or tell her to go. You just must not stand for it, because it is shameful behaviour and very damaging as you know.

OP your daughter is a clever girl... I had problems like this with my late mother. Her issue was weight.. she put me on a diet when I was 16 (I was skinny). My niece was always quite a big girl and I can remember telling my mother that if I ever heard that that she had said anything to my niece about her weight she (my mother) might not like the consquences (I had no idea what I would have done!!). She said nothing. Think you need to be quite forceful with your mother out of your daughters earshot.. no quiet chats.