Anyone else never told 'I love you' by anybody else in their life

[redhappy]

Dp and I met 5 years ago, and he never says it.

I say it to the kids and they say it back. But they are too young to even say it properly, never mind know what it means.

Suddenly made me very sad this weekend. Nobody ever says it to me. I want to be loved

MY DH almost never says it, and only in reply to me saying it. I asked him about it and his reply was "I told you once". The only time he ever said it first in 13 years was when I was about to go in to theatre for an ERPC after pregnancy loss. I know how you feel, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Does he ever do nice things for you? mine brings me tea in bed almost every day. My DH is a very logical person. I used to get really upset about it , I find it easier now.

Well in my heart (and my head) I know there is more to it.

Not posting by stealth here, just wanted to guage what's normal for other people I think.

He came home tonight saying he felt trapped by his life, he was bored. I don't know what I think, where to start.

It has been a strange rollercoaster of a relationship. A lot of uncertainty at the start, but I thought we were in a good place now.

I don't know about doing nice things for me. Can't think straight.

It sounds like you are having a bad time generally and he has been saying things leaving you confused and upset. That kind of comment would make me panic, hopefully needlessly. Does he just say things without thinking what the impact will be? I think some people are like that. When DC are young life can be a bit of a grind sometimes, we didn't go out for years and still don't very often. He does seem to be focussing on how he feels. He does have the right to say how he feels but so do you.

Thankyou for replying butternutsquashed.

The thing is this time it seems to have come out of the blue. In the past it was like this all the time, I seemed to be constantly in a state of panic about things he'd said abut not being happy. But in the last 6 months or so I have worked hard on what I want, what's important to me, and building mine and the children's lives around that.

Not to exclude him, just taking responsibility for my own happiness, and as a mother the happiness of my children too.

Tonight I didn't feel scared at all! Very calm, told him he was free to leave. He kept asking what I wanted from him. I said the truth, I just want him to be honest. I said I didn't want to spend my life with someone who doesn't love me, and if that's case he should tell me.

Yes you're right about him not thinking things through before he speaks. So I don't know what to think. I've got a feeling he's trying to give up smoking again, so it's possible none of this is real anyway and he's just struggling with withdrawal!

Never smoked myself but I know people that do and when they have given up they have gone through temporary major personality changes.

I always feel my DH does not love me as much as I love him, he is a self contained non needful person.

I'm just about to go to bed so won't be able to reply tonight but am wondering if you get to do anything for yourself ever or if you have much of a support network near you.

Your comment about is the situation real makes me think this. Your feelings are real regardless of why you feel them or how deep they are and it is not for anyone else to say you should or shouldn't be feeling what you are.

I hope you get a restful nights sleep.

I understand your upset - I don't think I could be with someone who didn't regularly tell me that they love me. I say it all the time, though. I guess maybe some people don't say it but still feel it. I need to be told.

Thankyou both.

Your'e right about it being 'real'. When he tried to dismiss it I pointed our that bot of our feelings our equally valid, and my feeling is that I want to feel loved, and I don't.

When he came to bed last night we were talking about a party I'm organising at xmas, he couldn't think of a single person to invite! Said he had no friends, so I suggested some people. It was like talking to a child, once I'd suggested some people he was like 'oh yeah, I have got some friends'.

I think that's what I meant by it not being real- ie. it's not about me and whether or not he loves me, it's something he's going through, but rather than deal with it he looks for causes external to himself.

Ten he said he'd like to treat me- I almost asked him if he'd been reading this!! So we came up with some fun things to do, he wants to take me to a day at a spa, I want to go to a comedy club too.

I fell asleep then, and he woke me up to tell me he loved me. So a happy ending it seems! Thankyou so much for listening last night though

I never say it to DH - been married 23 years.He says it to me when he wants sex. its only words and means nothing.

But dementedma, that might be true for you, but I suspect you are in a minority. Words are very powerful. I would be very upset if I was in a relationship and never told I was loved. And I can't imagine you would say that a child never needs to hear it.

My parents never said it to to me when I was a child, they just weren't touchy feely which is probably why I'm not. My elderly mother says it to me now but it just makes me feel awkward - I know she loves me, she doesn't have to say it.
I have occasionally said it to the DCs when they were small but they don't respond any differently to if I said "It's cold outside".
Soory to sound curmudgeonly but really cringe at all the "love you's" at the end of mobile phone calls too.

I was never told that i was loved when i was younger, and now i am still seeing someone who says he finds it impossible to say it to anyone - perhaps there is a link and i am attracted to unemotional people????

I do say it to my kids all the time though, even when i can't stand their behaviour. My eldest seems to thrive on being told i love her.

redhappy I'm glad that you got things sorted - long may it continue :)

dementedma - that is so very sad :( Words can be very powerful.

DH and I tell each other we love each other every day, at least once. I tell DS I love him all the time, even when he is playing up, and he thrives on it. He is only 2.5 but comes to me spontaneously and gives me a cuddle and says 'Mummy I love you'. I hope he will always express himself so openly.

Redhsappy it must be hards for you, if he never says I love you, but does he show it in his action?

I believe strongly that actions speak louder than words and that love is an action, not a feeling, so I wouldn't conclude that he doesn't love you just because he doesn't say it.

Does he show you love?

Some people say "I love you" all the time to their partners, without ever actually trully loving them. I had an ex who used to tell me he loved me, but actually he was just dependant on me, and confused dependancy with love. He never showed me any love at all. His words where meaningless.

dementedma I think you are in a minority due to your unusual upbringing.

Words are importsnt to most people, yes they mean nothign on their own, but as a confirmation of someone else's feelings they are powerful to most other people.

If words meant nothing there would be no such thing as verbal abuse.

dementedma, I hear you!
I was brought up like that as well and wouldn't know where to look if my mum started saying that now.
I do say it to my ds every night though and dp says it so often I have to respond sometimes. So its been broken down somewhat, but can't stand all the fake luv u xxx crap like you said.

I agree with overmydeadbody - love is a verb, not a noun. If someone treats you like crap, it doesn't matter what insincere rubbish they spout about 'loving you'.

But I really, really don't buy this 'I don't have to tell you I love you if I show you I love you'.

I think both are important. I am not saying it has to be said every five minutes or just as a way to sign off a phone conversation, but come on, if the woman you love says 'It would make me so happy if you could just say, evey now and again that you love me' - what kind of emotionally repressed person would refuse to do that????

My daughter often doesn't seem to notice or care that I've said 'I love you' but I am going to go on saying it whenever I feel it, as well as hopefully showing her I love her because I frankly don't see how you can grow up a healthy happy adult unless you grew up knowing there was someone who loved you, in word and in deed.

hmm, i don't think words mean nothing, quite the contrary. i love poetry and am often moved to tears by the power of words. My point is that to me, DH's "I love you X" when he wants sex, mean nothing when the rest of time he pretty much doesn't know I exist. It would mean SO much more to hear the words "you look tired, do you want a cup of tea?" or "you look nice today, that's a nice top" etc.
Spero - you say you don't buy the "I don't have to say it if I show it", but equally what value is there in saying it yet never showing it???
TrappedinSurburbia glad I'm not alone in hating the fake "love yooos" that people say automatically with no meaning.
Love ya babes!!!

Ex boyfriends said it, and me to them, and I am sure we thought it was true at the time but I know DH loves me, he doesn't have to say it though he does every day, and he knows I love him. My children say it too. Other than them, no one.

Sometimes it can be a bad thing when someone elses husband tells you they love you.

I dont agree that if people say 'I love you' alot or as they say goodbye it is fake.

I say I love you to my dcs and DH alot and I mean it and feel it everytime I say it. Saying it alot does not dilute the meaning or feeling IMO.

Dementedma - I am agreeing with you about the saying but never showing. I think it is important to 'do' love AND to say it. I think both need the other.

I think there is something a bit odd going on if someone claims to love another person but will never say it. What is the problem if it would make the other person so happy to hear it? Isn't that an important part of loving someone; you do things that make them happy even if you don't quite get why its important to them.