Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

A family thing

21 replies

Lucyinthepie · 07/12/2010 18:09

I daren't post this in AIBU, because I'm expecting everyone to tell me that I am, but this is causing me sleepless nights.
DP and I live alone. He has a son who lives with his mum. Dad and son get on very well together, and son visits us every weekend, staying on Saturday nights. I have no children, can't have them and never wanted them. We all rub along well together, I don't think of myself as a step-mum, they tend to go off and enjoy themselves together as we don't have many shared interests, but it's all friendly and works well.
Son will be leaving school next year and starting an apprenticeship as a plumber, 1 day a week at college, 4 days at work (very useful!). Background is that his mum is quite over-protective, she manages to give him a very sheltered life, he's never been on a bus and gets ferried everywhere by car. He's never been into town with his mates. To go to work he will need to catch the bus and mum isn't happy about this. So, the latest solution sprung on me this morning is that he can move in with us, and his dad can drop him at work as it's not very far from us. So he would be with us 4 nights a week and with his mum for 3 nights.
Am I wrong to feel really unhappy about this? Leaving aside my own feelings about a situation where I feel a young man should be starting to get out in the world and standing on his own two feet for the moment, I don't really want my home life to change in this way. I honestly don't want to live with another adult in my home. When he's staying with us it's fine by me, but I wouldn't want it long term. I never wanted a family, I like it being just myself and DP together, I like being able to wander about in my underwear. Is that so unreasonable? It feels as if decisions are being made between mum and dad without any reference to me, but it's my home too isn't it? It's not my house by the way, we've been together for 10 years but DP owns the house and I'm happy with that. Maybe that's why I feel so sidelined though, as if what I think isn't important.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/12/2010 18:34

The situation as you describe it does sound very unfair to you. Of course decisions about your living arrangements should be made by you. I ca see why his dad wants to help him, but this should absolutely not be presented to you as a fait accompli.

Tell your DP that you want to discuss this. YANBU

anothermum92 · 07/12/2010 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/12/2010 18:39

But he didn't ask - that's disrespectful. Under those circs I'd rail against it, even if ultimately it would be OK.

anothermum92 · 07/12/2010 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

msboogie · 07/12/2010 18:50

Jesus Christ what reason on earth can this crazy woman have for not letting her near adult son travel on a bus? He is going to be working with other adults, what happens when he decides to go out drinking of an evening with his new mates? I don't blame you for being annoyed about not being consulted but you should let him move in just so he can have a taste of normal life!

StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 18:53

OP I think you ought to present the problem to your DP as it being thoroughly unhealthy for a young adult to be babied like this. Unless this young man has SN of some description (probably not as he is going to work as a plumber) then it is high time he learned to fend for himself at least to the point of getting on a bus!

Besom · 07/12/2010 19:00

Of course he should be getting the bus fgs!

What is dp saying about this?

You absolutely should be fully consulted about this btw. It may not be your house but it is your home.

spidookly · 07/12/2010 19:02

How old is he?

Quite young for the home of one of his parents to be barred to him as a place to live.

Agree with mrs that he needs someone to ease the transition to adulthood if he's never even got the bus.

How weird.

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/12/2010 20:13

I think it's dangerous for the OP to comment on the parenting of the boy, but I think the issue her for her is about not being consulted

Original poster

Lucyinthepie · 07/12/2010 21:27

Thanks everyone, you are helping me to sort out my thoughts.
A couple of replies:
It's my home as well, after 10 years it is certainly my home. DP may own the house, but I pay my way and in fact, without me he might not have been able to afford to stay there.
He's 16. Obviously we're talking about a young adult, in my view not a child anyway, he's about to enter the world of work.
I think maybe this is my problem. If he moves in it is a way of avoiding "normal life" rather than introducing him to it. He doesn't have any friends in our area, and probably won't make any as it's quite rough to be honest and when he visits he doesn't venture out. Also, if he doesn't move in then he'll get to travel on buses, and probably have a great time feeling more independent. If he moves in then he will be getting lifts to work as his dad drives past the company every day.
I'm not denying my DP the chance to spend time with his son. They spend time together every weekend, and more during the holidays. They have a great relationship and even go away together. He also has a great relationship with his mum to be fair, and is perfectly happy living there.

I think the reasons for the proposed move may be about 50% of the reason for my feelings. It's not because he really wants to leave his mum and live with us, it's an idea built around travel arrangements to his new job.
50% of my reasons are purely selfish and I don't mind admitting to that. I never wanted children, and I really feel the lack of privacy when he's here.
If it became a real issue I wouldn't stand in anyone's way. I'd move out before I did that, but that would be awful because DP and I happen to be one of those lucky couples who are happy and love each other.

OP posts:

SurreyAmazon · 07/12/2010 22:05

This is the reason why me and DP will never live together. He has a son from a previous relationship and has made it clear that as soon as his son gets to his teenage years, he will live with him permanently. I have never desired a family and made this quite clear from the beginning so we came to an understanding. I used to secretly harbour the hope that once his son got to about 25 years of age, he would start his own life, but the reality is that most children are staying with their parents till they are well into their 30's because its the fastest way to save for a mortgage.

Anyway, I wanted to offer my sympathies and say that I hope it works out in the end.

anothermum92 · 07/12/2010 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Lucyinthepie · 07/12/2010 23:32

We live in a rough area, which isn't very close to where he will be working. No, really, it's just about continuing to give him a sheltered (protected) life. As I started work myself at 16, taking a bus and train to work every day, I find it hard to empathise with this. I honestly don't see what the problem is with a half hour bus ride to and from work. I also think that the longer someone is treated as a child when they are getting into their adult years, the more difficult life will be for them when they finally have to make their own way in the world. If he had said he really wanted to come and live with us then maybe I would feel differently, I don't know. To do it just because he is going to have to catch a bus to work seems wierd.

I suppose because I don't have children myself I always thought that they grow away from you when they get older, not move in.
Thanks for the input, I will talk to DP, but sadly I don't think I'm going to be comfortable if the final solution is that this very nice young man moves into my home for half of the week. The fact that it was pretty much decided before it was even mentioned to me isn't helping.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 08/12/2010 20:50

Well, you can't dictate how the mum chooses to raise the boy. Your thoughts on how sheltered his life is and how wrong this is are really beside the point. He's not your child and you don't want him to be after all.

I'm guessing you're afraid that given his apparent lack of initiative in asserting a bit of independence from his mum's dictat and given his dad's apparent willingness to go along with what she wants plus his willingness to ferry his DS to work, you're afraid that (1) your DP is having his leash pulled by his XW and (2) the DS will be a permanent lodger in your home.

I would say living with you and his dad for a while might help him become more independent if his dad makes an effort to push him into the world a bit by taking the bus and having a night out or two with the other plumbers (certainly he should take care of his own laundry, chores, clean room, maybe pay a bit towards meals, heat...). Once his apprenticeship is finished he can get his own place - this could maybe be made clear to him? He should be earning enough to afford somewhere small, and he could be encouraged to save for a banger to get himself around in, and take driving lessons. If you could get your DP and the DS to agree that he will be finding his own living arrangements by age 18 maybe it would work?

But you're left with the done deal aspect of this and how you feel about it. To some extent you could try to hammer out the terms under which the DS could stay with you so you don't feel completely run over by everyone else. I think your DP owes you more consideration than he has shown here.

lalalonglegs · 08/12/2010 21:33

I can't really see him lasting as a plumber if he is this unworldly - it's not a profession full of Little Lord Fauntleroys ime. I think regardless of how you feel he should have been brought up (and I sympathise with you, it would horrify me if my children were unable to contemplate catching a bus at that age or far younger) and the rights and wrongs of your partner just moving him in, he is probably not going to last long in plumbing and may move back to his mother's fairly soon .

SantasENormaSnob · 08/12/2010 21:54

IMO it's an absolute farce that a 16 year old can't get a bus to work.

Scruffyhound · 08/12/2010 22:05

Ok I can understand you did not expect this to happen. But it is his son and same as others have said you did know this. But on the other hand who has not had to get the bus to work at some point?! What is wrong with people! The other solution which seems quite a good one and you can use this is let the son stay and also get him driving lessons this way hes at yours and his dad can help teach him to drive so a good bonding thing once hes passed his test he could move back with his mum? Or just offer extra money to pay for driving lessons? That way he has his own car and can get about when he wants. Or if he lives with you the condition should be ok but get a job as well. Did we all not do that as well? Go to college and get a job and get the bus I know I did!!

MrsFlittersnoop · 08/12/2010 22:36

Hmm. This is a tough call.

It would probably do your DSS a great deal of good to stay with you and his dad. Sounds as if he's been terribly mollycoddled. He needs to be in an environment where he can grow up and gain some independence.

16 is still very young. TBH, its a bit too young to be "standing on your own two feet". But teenage kids CAN be great company and very rewarding to be around. Do you LIKE him? Would he respect your boundaries and/or lifestyle?

Why don't you have a proper chat with him about this situation?

Hassledge · 08/12/2010 22:44

I do feel for you - this isn't what you signed up for. Like you, I was very independent at 16 (I was living on my own in lodgings) and I know even with my own children I've had a few issues re the level of their dependence as young adults compared to how I was. But that really isn't fair (it took me a while to work this out) - because you managed to cope, you can't assume this boy will.

That said, the proposed set up isn't actually going to do him any good at all. It might be workable if you're very very clear on boundaries from the off - what your expectations are re clearing up, privacy etc. I think you need a long talk with your DP - he has to respect your views, because they are completely valid. Just as you knew what you were getting into when you moved in with him, so did he - you've always been clear re not wanting DCs, and he has to take that into account.

mathanxiety · 08/12/2010 22:47

No way should this be done without House Rules known and accepted by everyone and a clear end point for the arrangement, with the DS coaxed into fending for himself as time goes on.

ShanahansRevenge · 08/12/2010 23:03

I think there may be more to this...is the boy easy to live with? Or is it possible his Mum has had enough of him for a while?

Seems odd that a protective Mum wants him away from her for so much of the week!

Of course you feel a bit unhappy about it...I would too. My DH has a teenage daughter and to be honest I KNOW the day will come when she wants to live with us...I have been mentally preparing for some time now! The fact is that if the day does come I wil have to let her...she's his daughter and my DDs sister.

Flip