Am in desperate need of advice

[veryconfused1]

I live abroad with husband and 4yo DD. I am in my mid twenties, OH is foreign but not from the UK or the country we live. I have been living here for a year permanently and have found a good job in my field. My OH also has a very good job, thats why we were here in the first place.

Life with us has come to a stand still and we are both quite confused what to do with our relationship. I feel I am changing and growing as a person as you probably do in your twenties. He is 10 years older and just hasn't changed at all. He does have many good qualities, he is an excellent father and is very supportive career wise etc.However at home in our day to day lives, he is a cross between a stroppy teenager and a controlling father figure. He wakes up on the weekend after 12 every sat and sun. Then its all about making a huge lunch (he is obsessed with cooking and food, and gets upset that I don't take more interest). Then its lazing around more after this huge lunch and then off to his men's only cafe. That is basically how he lives his life.

We are both from a particular religious background (but I am not practising and have not been brought up in a strict household). Because of this he feels that he tell me what to wear. I have to cover my bum with long tunic tops and he doesn't want me to wear eyeliner as it brings out my eyes too much.

I on the other hand was a very out going person, always up for something new. Loved spontaneous walks in the woods, a new class at something new, a visit to different city. I have not been to any other city since we have been here (we live in a small town). My family at home are worried as the feel I am becoming introverted and losing my self confidence.

I am not sure what I am doing. We are both going to think about things over christmas with our but am just feeling so scared. I don't know what is the right decision. I don't want to separate DD from her dad. We are at such a crossroads. Any advice?

Well, it's good that you both recognise that things aren't right. That's a starting point.

Maybe some thinking time and then coming together to exchange your thoughts would give you a clue where to go next?

Perhaps counselling?

I think you need to decide what are the important things about you that you cannot compromise on. If DH cannot accept these things then you will have to decide on the next move.

At this age, you are right, you will be growing into a mature version of yourself and deciding on who you want to be. You shouldn't give these aspects of your personality up. It will come down to you asserting who you need to be and DH either accepting this or moving on.

OK, you say that he's an excellent father but on Saturday and Sunday he sleeps half the day, eats a load of food and goes off to a mens cafe.

What does he actually do to be an excellent father? When do you get YOUR lie in? When does your H have his one to one time with his child?

To me it sounds that he has not assumed the equal share of parenting that we all know he ought to aspire to achieve.

Could you arrange an activity on Saturday morning for yourself that means that you leave him in charge, so he has to get up, and so that you get a break?

I think you need to step back a little and see what demands/requests/suggestions he is making and decide whether they are realistic or not.

I lived in Egypt, my 'H' is from there. He used to tell me what to do, say and think when we lived there. He used to tell me I had to cover the back of my neck, giving me a scarf when it was 40C , literally! LOL. So I will try not to project too much.

If your tunics and make up ban are appropriate in the local country, then all well and good. If they are not, and it doesn't matter what you wear really, then tbh, your H is being U. As long as you are dressing appropriately for you, for your beliefs and your surroundings, then tbh, he has to trust you.

This men's only club? it's not attached or part of a mosque or anything? Are these men muslim, are they all sitting around being competitive? It happens. The shit I have had from 'conversations' 'H' has had....

The age difference may be relevant here too, you were and are still very young. This does not give him an excuse to boss you about and control you. He is not your dad , he is your partner.

He has to realise that as you grow older you will not accept to be told what to do, or told off like a naughty child. You are a woman, you are a mother and a good one at that.

You will go on to assume the role of matriarch of your family. It is not an easy role to assume, as many have vested interests in you NOT taking the position where you say Er, No, that's not working for me, or I think THIS way is best for us.

This situation will not get any better unless your H learns to let you make the decisions in your live. It will also stay as it is, unless you start saying, I need this to happen, I need me-time, I need time off to develop and enjoy my life as a woman. He has his male interests, you need yours.

It is unacceptable that he spends minimum of 2 days indulging his male side and you are not afforded the same.

how much housework does he do?

Thank you for all responses. Especially LITTLEMISS as you can probably relate to what I am going through. No the men's club is not attached to a mosque, they just play mind-numbing card games etc. for hours on end.
No I do not need to cover up in the country we are in so it's not like I am being unreasonable, in fact I feel ridiculous at work sometimes. I am having to wear long sleeved bum covering tops in 40C as well.

It's the lack of stimulating conversation that gets me down. I just kind of feel resentment. Why am I here if you don't want to make an effort. His ideal situation is I cut my hours down by half at work so I can have a 'little job' and spend afternoons making sweets and yummy snacks for him and DD. I've tried to explain numerous times is not part of my nature or culture for that to be enough for me to do on a day to day basis.

In terms of housework, unless the house gets awful and I have a collapse about it all he doesn't do anything. His clothes are constantly all over the living room. If he has helped me say two weekend's in a row he says he feels he is doing too much, and its not his role.

I made some friends at work, started going out with them in evenings. Sometimes crashing at their's afterwards. I went out about 6 times over 3 months. Then when I wanted to go round their house one evening he said no more and he doesn't like me skulking off in the night till all hours. Why couldn't I visit them in the day etc.

Im very upset, I know all seems a bit nitpicky but I don't know if I can put up with it anymore. Counselling is not option here, my language skills are not good enough.

It doesn't sound at all nitpicky. It sounds as if you're living under guard :(

would strongly advise you seek proper informed advice before doing anything - is there a legal website for muslim women - in strictest confidence- so that you know your/your children's rights under local law.

my friend devorced a canadian & she can't bring the child back without ex's written permission, so she can't come home to uk even though she lost her job.

Has this clamping down been a recent thing? has it been since your DD was born? or since you started work?

What do his family think of this? what do your family think of this? Could you get some support from them over this?

I think your first line of response to this creeping control is to literally stand your ground. It's what you will need to learn long term anyway.

If wearing these tunics is not part of the local culture, not part of who you were before, there is no reason on earth why it needs to be so now, also if it is not your choice to dress in a certain way, that is wrong too.

I dislike the full face veil, dislike it intensely, all it represents, whether she is being told to cover by men or feeling that she has to be be acceptable/proper or what have you. BUT, BUT BUT. I dislike even more the woman being told what she can or can not wear.

It sounds to me like he wants to to be little wifey, meek and mild and there for what he needs. That you are welcome to have your own interests and hobbies, but only as long as they don't interfere with his needs.

Sadly, if this is not checked rapidly, it will become the norm, then he will find something else to curtail.

Grace, this IS life under guard. Obviously without me knowing all the ins and outs it's hard to gauge the nuances here, but veryconfused1, please put me right if I am well off beam? Are you living in a muslim country? or are you muslim living in a westernised country?

OK so I had a much more extreme lock down situation, but there does seem to have the grass roots control that grew into my full lock down, groundhog day existence.

I ended up utterly isolated, and having to ask permission to go out, not able to speak the language, as 'H' accused me of spying on him. I'm actually a linguest, so it wouldn't have been hard, but that was enough for me. As it was, it was good protection from the locals, but made my life really limited.

Veryconfused1?, can you negotiate with him? can you tell him that you want to work and intend to carry on doing so, but that you need him to do his share of the childcare so that you get to have a life too. Can you ask him to cut down his socialising so that it is on a fairer footing?

If he is willing to see that you are entitled to a life as he is, then you have a chance, if not, tbh, it's going to be a pretty hard mountain to climb, and you may not be able to resolve this.

Thing is, all of the above aside, it doesn't matter a jot about my opinion or what have you.

If you WERE happy with a smaller job, more cooking, sweets etc at home, wearing tunics in 40C then it'd all be fine and dandy. But you are not happy living like this, there is no good reason why you should be told you have to.

As far as this man is concerend you are a 'woman' not a person and he has elected himself your boss/owner. Not surprising you met when you were in your teens and he is 10 years older than you, he doesn't want a partner, he wants a domestic servant he can fuck and breed with.

Are you in a country with reasonable human rights for women? If so, get some legal advice as another poster advised so you know your legal position. Then tell your H that you are neither property nor a child and you will wear what you like and see who you like. If he refuses to hear this and insists that you are his wife and therefore must obey him, you have your answer: this man doesn't think women are human and this attitude is impossible to shift.