Talk some sense in to me

[insanityrules]

I'm married but don't want to be, have a husband who is an alcoholic, previously violent but not for the past 2 years, now emotional abusive.
Everytime i say i want out, he uses guilt to keep me to stay, the kids are pawns in his mind games with me.
I so want to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings and to get him to leave the house, but the fear of weeks of emotional and verbal backlash prevents me from doing this.
The kids love their dad (the little one does) but the elder one talks to him like dirt at times, apparently it's my fault for not dealing with the situation (according to husband i am too soft)
I am going to admit to having an affair for the past 6 months, i know i am wrong but the other man is my sanity in the madness of my life, someone to talk to, hug me and make me feel better when i feel down, listens to me when i need to talk.
He wants more from me but we both know that this will be years down the line if at all (baggage on both sides)
Am i deceiving myself hoping that a fairy will come along and make my life better.

I wish one would. You sound like you could do with it.

Sadly, it's all down to you.

If you want to leave then there are organisations that can help you do this safely.

Think about it. Yes, there may be weeks of grief. But weigh that up against the rest of your life. It's worth it. Get yourself to a solicitor and end this shitty marriage. Good luck.

Really hope you find the strength to leave, for the sake of your kids as well as yourself.

Try to contact Women's Aid if you can, they can provide advice specific to your situation and area.

Good luck.

I am going to find the strength from somewhere, I have made an appointment with citizens advice advice first for financial advice, then am going to find a solicitor after xmas.
I don't want to do anything before this as i don't want to spoil the children's xmas by them having to listen to arguements.
I just dread the mood swings that there is going to be.

IR

People waiting for Christmas and for their family to have a so called "nice Christmas" is also why many Solicitors are inundated with people in January (it is one of their busiest times of the year).

These children have seen and heard an awful lot already. You are and have been all dragged down by this man.

I can understand you not wanting to spoil Christmas (and many people who separate do start this process in January) but would urge you to seriously consider seeing a Solicitor asap and before Christmas as well. Christmas is but two days after all and tbh this abusive treatment of you all has gone on for far too long already. They no longer need his mood swings, arguments (he'd probably argue in an empty room) and general unease within the home; a place that for children is meant to be a sanctuary.