WWSGS? What would Shirely Glass say? (follow on from 'how to tell if Marriage can survive an affair')

[elephantsaregreen]

I have read the entire thread 'how to know if your marriage will survive an affair' with growing discomfort. I almost hijacked the thread, to be honest I am desperate for advice for the people on that thread. But I started a new one...

I posted a couple of weeks ago on the 'do I just suck it up' thread. Where I talked about how my (d)p and I have have a good life together but that it feels like 'something is missing'..

I feel that after reading all these excellent posts about the SG book I have realised a few key facts. a) I was an over-invested partner. Pushed for intimacy, connection and often felt rejected by my dp, b) As a result I became under-invested, withdrew and deliberately looked up an old flame (this happened while I was on holiday with my brother and his family so I can see how that was an opportunity to see p in sharp relief) c) now I am dancing around the edges of an emotional affair and at first I felt 'justified' (P was ignoring me after all!) but now I see that I am being 'punitive'. I am punishing my p for his distance.

And he can't help it. This is just the way he is. I understand he can't change and he doesn't deserve me to treat him badly.

I don't know what to do now. I am not sure I want to salvage my relationship because there is alot about us which is not compatible. Intellectually and emotionally we have little in common. But we have two dcs together a house, and well, it's all comfortable and stable at the moment. I have a stressful, full-on job and he and I both depend on each others support for different reasons. Also there is a big part of me that doesn't want to give up this email exchange as it has been a welcome reminder that I am interesting and smart. (Both my p and I work and we share most household and childcare duties evenly)

So I am torn between not wanting to destabilise the children's lives and me pursuing a life (not with old flame as he lives across the world) which enables me to meet a man who I have more in common with. This sounds really selfish but I think I deserve to be with someone who finds me interesting and kinda cherishes me, who asks me about my day in the evenings. P is a good man, great father and stable housemate, but ... imo a crap boyfriend. I am literally downsizing an organisation from 24 to 3 people and it's hard hard work and he doesn't show any interest.

oh I don't know. But I have had many nights where I have just cried because I feel so disconnected from him. He is incapable of talking about feelings.

I worry that I have a completely unrealistic view of what a happy couple should look like. and that I'll never be happy anyway because I torture myself.

I tried to imagine how I would feel if he left me and I am not sure... part of me, horrified, embarrassed, scared of being a single pt parent, but also some of my concerns are logistical. (how to organise the kids etc). I am scare of being alone and I don't know if I am unrealistic in my expectations of a happy couple.

My parents weren't happy, my mother isn't happy in her second relationship. I feel at sea, like I don't have any bearings, and so I don't feel like I can trust my judgement.

What do I do?

(PS I live in New Zealand so I can't reply until my morning/your evening, so I'm not ignoring, just unable to respond quickly, please bear with me.)

Good Morning/Evening!

Not sure if i can help at all but i wish i had posted on here before i got myself involved in an affair.
FWIW if you can stop it before it starts the DO IT. If you truly feel that your relationship is a) not worth working at, b) not something you WANT to work at or C) even if you work at it it will fail, then the best thing you can do for ALL concerned is end it. I would talk to DP about your feelings - for all you know he may feel the same and it may be something you can work at together but if not then you both deserve to be happy and your children deserve parents who are happy - if that means being apart then so be it. I'm not encouraging a split, i'm saying that you have to be honest about how you feel.
I wish wish wish i had stoppped my affair before it started - mine was a physical one - as the hurt you feel after only a few months is not worth the few months of fun/amazing sex. And if god forbid someone finds out then the hurt they will feel will be a million times worse.

People CAN change if they want to - you just both need to decide if you want to work things out.
Good luck x

Hi elephantsaregreen, it's really good that you posted. I want to agree with bigregrets and say I also think people CAN change. I don't know about DH yet, he's trying but too early I think to say for sure. But on my part, I have definitely. I never used to want sex much, never really liked going out socially, never wanted much contact with DH during the day as was too busy with DCs. BUT, with the huge jolt and wake up call that was his affair, he told me about how much he had been missing those things. And because I love him and want to do what's important to him, I made the effort. And it actually came really easy to me to do all those things I hated to before- now we have sex nearly every day, go out lots more, and text each other throughout the day.

So I want to say, maybe if your DP knows how much danger your relationship is in, his love for you will give him the ability to change to meet your needs. But give him the chance before the damage is irreparable, because who knows whether it's too little too late for us :(

I suspect if Shirley Glass were alive, she would suggest you use the EA as a catalyst to sorting out your primary relationship, being honest with your partner about the OM and trying to decide jointly whether your relationship can survive, despite your incompatibilities.

In order of urgency however, it is essential that you stop the emotional affair. At the moment, this is intruding on your clarity to a massive extent. Your DP's complacency and under-investment is showing up in glorious technicolour at the moment, because you are inevitably comparing his behaviour with the mirroring that is going on with the old flame. You don't say either whether the OM is in a relationship himself, but if he is, he will be doing just the same to his partner. That's not fair on her/him and it's not fair on your DP.

Once that's done, you can start being honest with your DP about your feelings and where they led you. Now sometimes the realisation that a rival is in the picture has the most dramatic effect on a lazy, complacent partner, once they have processed their feelings of hurt, lost pride and indignation. There is usually a period of recriminations and anger after a revelation like this, but you will have to take these on the chin.

This often gives way to some understanding about why it happened and from this honest clean slate, some clear resolutions emerge. At this point, you might want to consider couples therapy and since there are children involved, I sense you would both feel that they deserved their parents trying everything possible to rescue a fractured relationship.

If after this therapy, it becomes clear that the dynamic in your relationship is not going to change, or the incompatibilities are too stark, then at least you can part knowing that you gave it your best shot. It will then be about arranging an amicable co-parenting relationship.

You are clearly extremely self-aware and introspective and I'm glad you have realised the true motivation for your EA. As you rightly say, this is punitive in motive and quite apart from the crazy geographical logistics, punitive affairs just like "exit affairs", never work out, because they are never about the affair partner as an individual, more the purpose that s/he serves.

Thank you so much for your replies...

I feel awful. I've been trying for years now to get through to my partner. (We've only been together for 5 yr. DD1 is 4 and DD2 is almost 3, as you can see the first pregnancy was unintended, we had only been dating for 3 months). I've explained that I need affection 'like I need air' that me having to cope with the lack of connection feels like 'amputating a limb'. I even told him about OM when the emails started feeling 'complimentary and flirty'. P just laughed and said 'don't lead him on', clearly not threatened.

I've read people talking about how important it is to talk talk talk and I feel like I am at a huge disadvantage because P hates talking, it makes him feel like a 'schoolchild'. I am introspective and insightful but it's like greek to him. I just can't see counseling working. I've asked for it many times, I also gone on my own. It always feels like it's up to me to 'fix things'. When I try to talk to him he barely engages, fiddles on the computer or just gives one word answers.

Feeling very tiny and hurt and sad and mean right now.

Am I selfish for wanting more out of a relationship when clearly I am the only one in this four person family who is unhappy/