Would be interested to hear from any others whose abusive H/P has died....

[merryxmaswidow]

As some may know mine did, quite suddenly from cancer we were unaware of.

I don't feel that I have grieved him as you would a loved one as I am so relieved that I just don't have to deal with him anymore.

Sometimes though I still feel the effects of his abuse; for a mild example, he was muslim and hated it when I put up christmas decorations yet would go to all the office christmas parties and get blind drunk ( I hated this hypocrisy, so put up a small amount of decorations but no tree, but always felt guilty , he made it quite plain he didn't like it). I've put up a beautiful tree this year but still feel a little sense of guilt.

There are sometimes things I suddenly realise that I can do without the fear of not knowing how he will react; yet I cannot shake the sense of unease when I do whatever it is.

I have had a recurring dream that he is back and although I know he is still going to die, I'm not sure when and I'm not sure what he is going to do as now I have sorted out the finances and thrown out his stuff. He used to be in the house in the dream but in the last two he is now in the garden.

I'd be interested to hear from any others with a similar experience and know how they feel

Not in this situation but just wanted to say hi and sorry that you are getting these flash backs. I split with abusive partner 18 mtgs ago and I still get flashbacks eg I cringe if I drop something as I half expect to be called stupid and clumsy, I flooded the washing machine and expected to be shouted at.

It gets easier with time. Be gentle to yourself.

How long were you together? Was he physically or mentally abusive, or both?

I am very glad for you that the abuse is over. Are you getting any therapy? Doesn't Cruse help widows?

I hope you resolve the issue of the dreams.

Sorry I don't really have any advice, but it sounds good that he has moved into the garden in your dream, sounds like your subconscious is dealing with it and gradually "moving him out"

Baggyagy,15 years, mentally abusive, the odd incident of physical stuff, threw the dinner at me once after he poked it around saying 'what the fuck is this?', then one assault last year which he was arrested and cautioned for.

I was in therapy before he died because of the relationship, went back a bit after but in actual fact don't feel the need at the moment. Its more these odd sensations of guilt which I have to rationalise.

Feel like I'm making some progress in the dreams as he is no longer in the house

Mine hasn't died but I can relate to how you feel. I have been left for nine months now and am just starting to feel free, not all the time but some of the time. I still feel under his control and still find myself sticking to the regimes he set even though they made my life miserable. At the moment I am having a real problem just having the heating on because he wouldn't allow it. I feel more comfortable cold than I do warm. I think it will take quite some time before I am actually mentally free.

Happydays, it seems that so much of what they did sticks with you subconciously. I do have that sense of freedom as he can obviously never come back.

My father was abusive so not sure if my input will be helpful but for what it's worth, I still carry on doing certain things out of habit. For example when he came home, we would run and hide in our bedrooms and close the doors. To this day, I cannot leave the bedroom door open.

Also, I still jump at the sound of raised voices between couples. The worst is when a drunk couple is walking past my house because I always wake up and wait for them to pass by and hope they don't start to fight. I remember this one couple started arguing right outside my house and the next thing I heard was a yelp and she said 'why did you punch me?' and then started sobbing. It triggered such a flood of memories, I started shaking and couldn't sleep for days after that.

There are certain soaps, cigarette brands, or foods that I cannot smell without feeling panicky, like it means he is around eating/smoking them. Celebrating Christmas is out of the question because he always, always ruined it.

Will it ever get better? in my case, it has not. I have come to realise that his death was like my jailer dying and me thinking that I had been released from a life sentence only to find that I am still in a prison; just one without bars.

Interesting dream, and I am sure it has a deeper meaning. I highly recommend that you keep a dream journal and after 3 months, read it and you'll see a storyline develop that will explain what they mean.

Happydays I relate to that!

Put the Xmas tree up and expected sulks, flooded out the back room with the washing machine, and expected 'oh ffs, you stupid cow', dropped a bottle and expected 'oh you stupid clumsy xxx' etc etc. It's a weird feeling catching yourself have these 'flash backs'.

..

I post regularily but have name changed for this. I was abused as a child by my stepfather, who was a violent alcoholic He never sexually abused me but because of certain issues I did live in fear of it happening. He died when I was 13 and I was overjoyed, I do now feel guity about this. However for a long time after wards I used to dream about him, that he was actually still alive and it was so funny in his eyes that he had fooled me and was not dead. He loved to taunt me as I thought I was free from him. I think having dreams is a way of you processing all the awful stuff that went on in an abusive relationship. I have moved on a lot, it has however made me a very fearful person regarding men. My DH is the mildest most laid back person you could ever meet. I am sure I am attracted to him because of this. I have had counselling, rather a lot regarding this, I would recommend it when you feel strong enough. Just remember your a survivor of a terrible situation.If your feeling bad, do something you enjoy, however small. Sorry I have gone on about my situation but I guess I'm trying to stay it is normal to have dreams, they are hard work but they have to come out.

I think you do retain behaviour you learned as an abusee for a very long time, sometimes not even realising it.

My mum came to help me out when DS was born and stayed with us for a while. Round about 6pm every night, she started getting really stressed out, worrying, pacing in a panic. I asked her what was the matter with her and she told me that as it was around 6pm she was worried about my DH coming home from work.

When my dad used to come home from work, if his dinner was not on the table (and to his satisfaction) and my mum was not dressed and made up appropriately, he would shout and sulk and be nasty to the entire family. Despite the fact that my mum and dad were long divorced before DS was born, she expected my DH to behave in the same way (not the case fortunately and she knew it, but couldn't shake the idea that he would come home and shout at her).

My dad was abusive and I also pause and think about certain things before I do them because they were not things he allowed and we would be punished for doing them.

I think your feelings are quite normal.

Merryxmas..have namechanged for this as wnat to keep seperate from my other posting

My DH died a few years ago and I admit I was on the point of leaving him. I now realise he had been EA for many years, Mumsnet has helped me see this a LOT. At the time he hadn't spoken to me for about two weeks and prior to that he has other spells of several weeks of not speaking. He had started to be abusive about our DC several months prior and in the week before been abusive (nasty, spitefull remarks) directly toward DC.

I havn't had any dreams as such about him but an awful lot of guilt for a very long time and also guilt for a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Althe l the years of treading on eggshells were no longer there. Afterwards a friend commented that she had noticed this 'lift'. It is still something that I occasinally struggle with.

Now even though it has been a few years there are still things that crop up that you hadn't bargained for. I now have moved on with my life and have a new DP, this is our first Christmas proper togther and I feel a sense of panic. I find I cant, wont or have a mental block about buying presents for him. Its only recently I have realised that DH would almost certainly throw at least one present back at me as 'not the right thing'

I have to say the overwhelming relief of not treading on eggshells, finally realising I am not a bad person, that I have a person in my life that tells me I am gorgeous, and sexy now outweighs the grief. I would never of wanted it to end this way, but it did and I have to go forward with my life

notso, I came upon MN when looking up abusive relationship stuff after he died. I had started divorce proceedings when he attacked me, however I cancelled them just before the petition was issued for various reasons and thought I would find a a way to get through the next 14 years til DS grew up. H died within 14 weeks and sometimes I can't believe it. I never wished him dead but like you felt an enormous weight lifted from me, I think the sense of guilt comes from thinking I should be sorry hes gone when I'm just relieved that I don't have to deal with him anymore. Friends have said I look younger and seem relaxed. When his key went in the door in the evening my whole body would tense as I would never know what mood he would be in.

Sometimes I would say to people, well he pays the mortgage and doesn't beat me up. When I think about that statement I am astounded that I thought that was sufficient but realise it was just a way of coping within a difficult situation.

I do have a new DP, someone whom I have known for many years who is wonderful. He has always been a great friend to me so knew about my situation with H, but I don't think he even knew how bad it was because I'd often keep stuff to myself.

When someone treats you very badly then dies, you get a strange mix of emotions and I'm wondering if you don't grieve in the 'normal' way, do you ever get a full sense of peace

When I first moved in with my then BF 15 years ago I used to get that feeling of dread when he got home from work and I heard the lick. However, many years on the thought and feeling has faced and I havent even thought about it for years, I now look forward to him getting home (now DH). Time can change thing and make things better and it is still very recent for you.

merryxmaswidow, I am not at all judging you for feeling glad about his death- I honestly do not blame you if he was as bad as you say, it is understandable.
I think what you are experiencing is normal for your situation. A mixture of relief, dare I say the occasional feeling of joy?, and happiness mixed in with perhaps a feeling of 'can't believe your luck?'.
Perhaps this is what these dreams are about; deep down you cannot believe you are free of him?
Please don't worry; I think as time goes by and you realise he has gone for good they will diminish.

I think it is possibly a form of Post Traumatic Syndrome, what do you think?

I think too that you don't get over the death in the same way because you feel somewhat guilty at being glad that they died. There is no need to feel guilty. However, there remains a sadness that a relationship that consumed so many years of your life, was bad. An anger that you were a victim. But, hey, it's over, be happy now!

I think you're just subconsciously working through everything - it will take time though.

My DS's Dad died when DS was 7. We'd split up when DS was 2. DS looks quite a lot like his Dad and is now a teenager with the usual teenage angst etc., and now I get the sneer and angry look coming at me from my son, instead of his Dad....

I still dream of him sometimes, but just put it down to my brain working through the crap.....

Not the same thing but my grandad died some years ago. I only met him a few times, but he was a horrible horrible man. He treated my nan like dirt, she has told me a few things but her life with him must have been hell. He abused their DD and tried to do something with their DS's but my nan interrupted him.

He was a cruel man and I can't forget the incident my nan told me about. He caught a butterfly and put it in a matchbox and put pins through it and left it to die. He told my nan that if she touched it he would knock her through the wall. It took 3 days!

Luckily my nan left him when she was young (when she found out about the abuse) so she didn't have a whole life to have to put up with him.

I was glad when he died (although he lived to an old age, he did end up paralized which my nan said was his just deserts, she never usually hates anyone but this man was an exception). There are some people who deserve nothing from anyone, no matter who they are to you.