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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

top tips for surviving marriage breakdown and single parentdom

18 replies

makedoandmend · 06/12/2010 19:51

H recently (yesterday) left me for 26 year old (I'm 42) so, while I'm scraping myself off the floor, I'd love your sage advice for coping with the fallout and being a single parent (dd 2yo).
I've not been on here for a while but your advice has never failed me in the past...
Btw if I don't reply for a while I'm dealing with MIL Hmm

OP posts:
billybunter · 06/12/2010 20:17

Hi makedo! Holy crap this is awful.

Didn't want you to be unanswered.

Are you allright?

snowpoint · 06/12/2010 20:54

I expect you're in total shock. Had you any idea that he was having an affair?

So sorry this is happening to you. Get lots of RL support, cancel anything non urgent and just look after yourself. The tips for recovery can come later.

Oh - other than, make sure you call a solicitor asap for some practical advice and get hold of any financial docs you can and photocopy them. They're urgent to-do's.

jellyjelly · 06/12/2010 20:59

Change your child benefit into YOUR account not a shared one so at least you can have some money.

Get a single account.
Get your benefits, if on any, paid into your own account.
Change things around your house (makes the mind feel better even if its just tilting a picture!!) I did this the day after i found out xdp was having an affair.

Go and do something nice for you.

It is rocky being on your own but its really not that bad.

Good lukc and i wish you all the best.

tallwivglasses · 06/12/2010 21:02

Makedo, poor you and DD Sad

I'm sure lots of people will come with great advice but in the meantime...

  1. Grab anything that's his that he's left behind and bin it/stick it in the shed. However, any cd's, books of his that you like, hide in your collection.
  1. Put up that picture/ornament that he never liked.
  1. Make the most of being in sole charge of the remote control/music choices, etc.
  1. Buy the food you like that you never bothered with before because HE didn't like it.
  1. Enlist the support of friends and family (I would imagine MIL is not best-pleased with her son's behaviour). Don't feel embarrassed/humiliated/a failure. Everyone will think HE's the twat.
  1. LARF when he turns up in a leather jacket, hoodie or sports car.
  1. Get your hair done, and sod it, buy those boots you've had your eye on.
  1. Remind yourself that statistically-speaking, it won't last with OW.
  1. Life for you isn't over - far from it. My friend was dumped at 47 and at 60 is enjoying the best relationship (and sex) she's ever had!
  1. Dignity. Hold your head up and be proud of yourself that you're already looking forward.

Best of luck x

TDada · 06/12/2010 21:06

7 and 10 above
Also, take up sport/gym, train for 10k. Look fabulous/fit and rested.

Original poster
makedoandmend · 06/12/2010 22:26

Thanks everyone for being so kind. Just to clear one point up he hasn't actually started the affair yet (but says he hopes to). She's just told him she likes him and unfortunately it's coincided with us having been through a difficult period (mistakes and lack of nurturing on both sides) and him going into a full blown mid life crisis Hmm
But he is a complete twat Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
makedoandmend · 06/12/2010 22:37

Thanks everyone for being so kind. Just to clear one point up he hasn't actually started the affair yet (but says he hopes to). She's just told him she likes him and unfortunately it's coincided with us having been through a difficult period (mistakes and lack of nurturing on both sides) and him going into a full blown mid life crisis Hmm
But he is a complete twat Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
makedoandmend · 06/12/2010 22:39

D'oh! Posted twice sorry Blush

OP posts:
TDada · 06/12/2010 23:04

She will drop him when she works out how desperate he is. Look after yourself and please focus on the positive and opportunities that this might bring even with the obvious sadness. Warmest wishes and hug

Original poster
makedoandmend · 08/12/2010 13:30

Thanks again everyone. Just to let you know I'm ticking off suggestions one by one. Once he takes his stuff tomorrow I'll begin changing rooms around and then will start changing me around a bit...for me Grin

Am swinging between feeling bleak and feeling like this is a new chapter which should be embraced. Once I get through Christmas (which I'm dreading tbh) I think I'll be fine.

Tomorrow is another day and all that gumf (ph or f- never quite sure?)

OP posts:
snowpoint · 08/12/2010 13:55

Wow, you sound really together. Is it a bit of a relief to have it come to a head?

Any bloke who leaves a wife and dc's for an affair he's planning to have with a 26 yr old, isn't worth your tears. Get the practicalities sorted and move on to your new chapter.

And you're bound to feel bleak, let it come and know that it's part of the healing process.

tb · 08/12/2010 16:16

Not being negative, but you don't have to do Christmas if you don't want to. With a 2yr old dd, she won't know, anyway. So if you want to have a day snuggling under the duvet together eating twiglets, you can do.

Christmas can always wait until next year. Much more important to be kind to yourself than stressing out over sage and onion stuffing and sprouts.

googoomama · 08/12/2010 17:26

Makedo - come on our lovely thread if you need some support and just want to talk...we are the dumplings and we help each other!
Look at this thread

Original poster
makedoandmend · 08/12/2010 20:40

snowpoint Thank you for saying so! Truthfully, I veer wildly between together and all over the place. But I'm finding having to be ok for dd is helping to give me the slap across the face I need every so often. And yes you're right - I know the horrible bits are part of healing

tb that's not negative at all - but I am scared of getting to the night and not having anyone there. My family is a bit scattered and I was to spend this Christmas with his.

googoomama - thanks for the invite - I'll dip my toe in when I'm less knackered (dd been up three hours a night very clingy between 3am and 6 three days running)

Thanks everyone for the support. Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
googoomama · 08/12/2010 21:38

Makedo - totally sympathise with dd situation. My 4 yo didn't sleep through until he was 3 and now he wakes up at about 11pm every night and gets in with me.
I too felt very scared about being on my own during the night but it's amazing how you can cope and soon it becomes normal and you realise that you can do it no problem (even when double sickness occurs) although tbh it was no different when I was married - exh just lay in bed swearing, so at least I don't have that to put up with :)

Scruffyhound · 08/12/2010 21:55

First Im so sorry for you and your DD. Could not give a shit about your selfish EX. I think all the things that have been said on here are right. I have been divocred for 3 yrs and im 33 with a 5yr old son. Can I just say its really not nice now for you and you will feel low and crappy. But after time for greiving you will wonder why did you ever put up with that crap in the first place! You will have a whole new life and yes its hard sometimes but its also great! You can do what YOU want dont have to think well he might like this. Well you do exactly what you want now. Is there something you have always wanted to do that you never did because he held you back? Well do it! I hope MIL is giving you support and not giving you greif. My MIL thought she could fix our relationship with one phone call! And asked for me to not leave my husband. Well tough MIL did not have to deal with it every day. Good Luck

Original poster
makedoandmend · 09/12/2010 11:25

googoomam - you're right of course - it is no different really as, once dd was older, I always did the night stuff or, if I asked exH to do it, it would inevitably cause a drama.

scruffyhound - thanks for giving me hope - you sound happy and sorted - exactly where I'd like to be in a while!
RE MIL - she's sad but is very self-centred and has no filter to her thoughts. For instance she keeps talking about my exH's need to 'dip his wick with this new girl' when I don't really want to think about it Sad And she also moaned that this sort of thing always happened to her at Christmas.
She and exH are very very alike - you could break your neck and they'd moan about having to organise the funeral...

OP posts:
googoomama · 09/12/2010 20:18

She said WHAT?!!!!! Bloody hell... with a mother like that it's no surprise he's a prize idiot! Angry for you

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