house work angst - help!!!

[Joso]

I'm just gettting something off my chest really. I s'pose I'm wandering whether anyone else is in a similar situation. My dh's lack of help round the house is something we have discussed/argued about so many times that I'm simply loosing the will to raise the subject anymore. In the past he has accused me of being a 'nag' which just feels so unfair. To me his reluctance to help just appears completely selfish. It has got to the stage where I'm constantly overwhelmed by stuff round the house - given that I'm from a generation which believes in equality I never thought I'd be in this position. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I should just let the place get into a state and chill out...I dunno I'm trying to see it from all angles. Any comments welcome!!

its not nagging...its gently reminding and if they did it the first time you asked you would nt have to repeat yourself..... :0

Dh and I have jobs divded on fairly traditional lines/ I do most childcare apart form stories on weekdays - he does garden,windows, bins, bikes cars tidying up after I have cooked a meal etc.

Cant you divide your life up so you dont expect dh to see things that annoy you (loos for eg) and that he doesnt notice...

If we have a big purge to do(eg moving baby stuff in to the loft or tidying oiur garage) he writes a list and then does it at his own pace when he watns to so I dont need to remind him!

Do you both work? Get a cleaner?

Good advice cods (as ever). No, you're not being unreasonable. My dp is not unwilling but is very untidy and isn't brilliant on daytoday things like wiping surfaces etc. We solved the problem partially by paying a cleaner, but STuff still amasses.

Boxes, that's my recommendation on tidiness. Masses of boxes into which you shove his Stuff. My dp got the message when he found his birthday cards near the bottom of one of them...

i always tidy up (even though my dp is good around the house) but wherever i put his things he cant find them. He is constantly asking where things are .I dont do it on purpose but he thinks i do.Try that!!

My dp said the other day when he had lost his credit cards.."you aren't doing it to teach me a lesson are you?"

sobernow, mine is exactly the same. except I think he genuinely doesn't see them. I find myself giving scarily explicit instructions "it is on the second shelf down in front of the large jar of mayonnaise and beside the eggs" and then thinking "how did I know that? When did I choose to remember the EXACT location of the english mustard which I don't even eat anyway?"

but you are right. beer, wine, corkscrew and latest copy of Wisden never seem to get lost...!

Joso - are you me?

you could always try walking round the house one day picking up all his mess and then putting it in his side of the bed and pulling the duvet over it all... not a subtle approach but the reaction can be hilarious!

I've never been particularly domesticated and only clean when we are expecting visitors. I never iron full stop and have never in 15 years of being with my dp done his ironing nor does he expect me to. Probably if I'd done it from the start he might expect me to so it's probably a case of what he has got used to. I did feel sorry a month or so ago when my dp asked if I could possibly make him his tea sometimes so have managed to do this but that is as far as it goes. If you do his ironing/washing then don't and when he asks why he hasnt got anything clean/ironed to wear explain that you have too much other cleaning to do. Secondly, I'd definitely get a cleaner if you can afford one.

on another thread on a similar topic, someone mentioned there is a mathematical relationship......the amount of household chores DH does is directly proportional to the amount of sex received...

Well ta for all the comments gels!! Forget to mention yes we do have a cleaner but she comes only once every two weeks and does all the nitty gritty stuff....basically blitzes the kitchen & bathroom and other nasty stuff like cleaning the cooker & fridge. Oh and yes I do work but I'm freelance and work from home three days a week so I guess it's kinda in my face all the time. Anyway may try and do the list idea and see how that works. Can't believe I'm discussing this dull topic...I'm actually boring myself now!

I just remembered what my mum did to my sisters boyfriend!!! he was living rent free) in mum's house after my sister had their baby and never lifted a finger...expected meals to be cooked, washig to be done etc. Well... sister was knackered and mum hated him so when she found his dirty washing in her bedroom washing basket one day she adopted the following poicy on doing his laundry:
take smelly clothes, spray with fabreeze, hang on washing line, smooth out creases... treat as if washed and ironed...and hand back to ratbag boyfriend. he never twigged... would have thought his pants got itchy after a while

im somewhat like trifle in that i dont do it. if i cook - he washed pots and visa versa. he does most of the laundry but i help out everynow and again - however he knows not to rely on me for clean clothes in the morning.

i reckon if you keep on doing it - they will keep on expecting you too. maybe i just think like most men do. to me how wonderful it is after working all day to come home have the tea cooked and wake up in the monrning and with a wink and a pat of his arse say " iron my clothes darlin'" and he smiles back and irons them, after he has ironed the childrens clothes and got them ready for school .........see what i mean? men have it cushy if you let them.

never do his washing, ironing sorting of socks and underwear.

as for the nagging - i hate it when they say that. you should ask him what he thinks his responsabilities actually are

hmmm think i might try that one Spod...

My Dh does the dishes and he hoovers, because he likes doing them. He puts out the wheelie bins and he mows the lawn. We share the care of our dd due to the fact that we work round each other so one of us always has her at some point during the day.
I do all the washing and the ironing just for me and dd and I clean the bathroom.
general tidying is usually done by me but dh will do it when it all gets to much. He's a very tidy person and I'm quite an untidy, I'll do it tomorrow kind of person.

One thing Dh is very good at is going through the little baskets of toys that dd has, you know full of all the little toys from Mcdonalds etc, broken crayons etc. He goes through them all and throws things out. I can't do it because I always think oh she'll miss this if I throw it out. I'm a bit of a hoarder.

My Dh does the dishes and he hoovers, because he likes doing them. He puts out the wheelie bins and he mows the lawn. We share the care of our dd due to the fact that we work round each other so one of us always has her at some point during the day.
I do all the washing and the ironing just for me and dd and I clean the bathroom.
general tidying is usually done by me but dh will do it when it all gets to much. He's a very tidy person and I'm quite an untidy, I'll do it tomorrow kind of person.

One thing Dh is very good at is going through the little baskets of toys that dd has, you know full of all the little toys from Mcdonalds etc, broken crayons etc. He goes through them all and throws things out. I can't do it because I always think oh she'll miss this if I throw it out. I'm a bit of a hoarder.

oops sorry about that