do I leave my marriage?

[welshbyrd]

I do not know where to start, met husband 3 years ago, he is an brilliant guy, fab dad etc.

We had a baby 18 months ago, until then, we couldnt even walk past each other without cwtching, rubbing hands, etc. Then baby arrived, hmm, she has been hard work since day 1, perfect in every way, but has never been a great sleeper, not to great in car, in fact we have not really been able to much since her birth, through tiredness, or her waiting constant attention,(am aware babies need etc, I have 2 other DC, who were no where near as much work as baby) to be honest we struggled for the first few weeks, we are used to it now though.

Me and husband relationship, become nothing, after DD was born, no cwtching, hugs, nothing it all stopped,I assume we were to tired.

In january this year we decided to get married, we had had a fab few days, and its what we both wanted, however, relationship, cwtching, sex, even a quick peck, hadnt returned after babys birth. Think we both got so caught up with plans, our actual relationship took a back seat, we married August 27th this year, however, throughout months of planning, I had maybe 6-7 times, tried to discuss the lack of affection, and questioned whether we should stop the plans.
DH isnt a sit down chat type, basically I talk, her DOES listen, but never replies, or gives an imput to disscusion, so I always end up coming back downstairs, with my tail between legs.

Since wedding, we have had sex once, a few days after wedding, think that was last time we kissed too, or had any bodily contact, I feel so sad it has come to this, because, other than this, my husband is perfect in every other way, he really is.

I could chat to him again, and get no feedback from him, I find thats upsetting me more,because I feel no better off having spoken to him. Im really sad, tears flowing here, . As perfect as he is, I can not live in a loveless marriage anymore

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Children are very taxing on a relationship. Have you tried counseling yet? That would be my next step if I were you.

what is cwtching?

Have you tried asking your DH direct questions so that he is pushed into engaging with you? For example, have you tried asking "When was the last time we had sex?" "Are you ok with that?" "Do you think we should have more sex?" Don't say it in a confrontational or emotional way, frame it more as if you're curious to know what he thinks. This way you might get him to open up and not back out of the conversation. If he responds to those questions, ask more, such as "Why do you think that is?" Don't jump in there with what you think yourself, just focus on getting him to open up first before you have a bigger discussion.

Beyond that I would second what Banks said - counselling might be the way to get some space in which you can both be honest with each other.

Can you think of any reasons why this might have happened? Is this your DH's first child? Did you have a very difficult birth?

Cwtch is a word the Welsh use for cuddle/hug.

thanks Poogles. It's a nice word.
Sorry to hear your woes OP.
What does he do if you innitiate kissing/cuddling/affection?

I havent initiated kissing etc, did before wedding, and it was accepted, but got to point if I didnt initiate it, nothing would happen, think also I feel a bit crap about initiating it all the time, knowing the discussion we had in beginning of the year, yet Im the one constantly trying, feel if we are both in this relationship, we should both try. Also,as he doesnt try, I feel[havent told him this] that maybe he doesnt want too, because im not as attractive now,so am thinking well if I do try, and it happens, id feel terrible, disgusting almost, that ive not made, but ya get what I mean,him have sex with me, when he is perhaps to polite to say your a minger now, ps, have put on 1 and half stone since baby.
Babys birth was fine, really quick, 31mins all done.

I would deffo like to think of counselling, but if he wont talk to me, then he aint going to, with someone there

I feel hurt everytime I think about this.

Oh welshbyrd you sound so sad and I can see why. If your relationship with your husband is good other than this then I think it is really worth while making a huge effort to sort it out. What did you think of my suggestion to ask him questions? Do you think it would work? A stone and a half is hardly a huge amount of weight so I doubt that's the problem, and if it is well frankly your DH must be pretty shallow.

Writeriofdreams- Ive tried everything, all beginning of the year, well january, right through to july, he replies I do love you, and I dont know why things are like this, and also says "your answer to everything is to split up", I have suggested spliting months before wedding, it wasnt I wanted to split, I really wanted it to be sorted, but his lack of imput has I feel left me no choice, but think about splitting, I know i should have thought about this before marrying etc, but I do truely love him, and stupid as this sounds, arrangements were made, he was saying he didnt want to split,[which maybe gave me false hope], family had helped finacially towards wedding, so felt it had to go ahead, how stupid was I?

You're being very hard on yourself :( Marrying him wasn't stupid, you did have a good relationship to begin with and it was normal for you to think that things would go back to that again eventually. It seems very odd that things changed so dramatically after the birth of your daughter - could you he be feeling under a lot of pressure? Was he ok about the pregnancy?

Whatever is going on it's clear that you're finding it very hard to put with this and he needs to realise how serious a problem it is. The fact that acknowledges the problem but doesn't seem willing to tackle it must be very very frustrating for you. You need to get through to him somehow or it does seem like this is going to continue to eat into the relationship until there's nothing left.

Yeah he was fine with pregnancy, infact he was fab, we planned her, planning to being pregnant took 6 weeks from stopping the pill, so was a bit quicker than we expected.

Welshbyrd, to some extent you could be describing a lot of marriages post children so please don't think there is anything wrong with you.

When I get to the point where I feel there is not enough/any affection or sex, I announce we are going to have sex every day for a month and make sure we do. It's drastic but also quite funny and you do end up looking forward to it as opposed to thinking this is yet another area where I fail as a wife/mother. It makes me make an effort rather than spend the whole time resenting DH's lack of effort.

You sound like a loving couple just knocked sideways by parenthood.

Before baby was born, DH would kiss my head before he left for work, even when I was sleeping, kiss me if he was going somewhere even if it was the shop[30 second walk], and kiss me as soon as he come in, from where ever he had been,even if we are both worn down by parenthood, still does not explain, the complete lack of affection

You sound so sad welshbyrd. I don't think three years is very long into a relationship and also having a baby and getting married is doing a lot in a short time.

I don't think it is very uncommon for partners to get less affectionate, not that it is okay, you do get used to each other, take for granted etc. It's early days though, maybe you just haven't figured out your ways to combat that complacency. Is there any way you could get a weekend without kids? Or even a date night?

You know, there is some truth in that awful men are from mars women are from venus book - men do go in their 'caves' and sulk whereas women talk about things.

I think you're going to have to talk to him till you get an answer, and be totally open with him about how you feel - warts and all. You never know, he might be feeling bad about himself, inadequate etc.

I do think it can be a bit frightening to get back into being intimate after a baby has wreaked havoc with your lovelife. I know we found it hard after DC1, but it was easier after DC2.

If he's such a great guy then I think it's worth hanging in there and persevering.

Go to counselling by yourself if necessary to get advice.