How to say to DS (5) that Daddy's going..?

[LittleMissHoHoHoFit]

Bound to be long, you know this old bird doesn't know when to STFU...

HUGE row yesterday, I told 'H' to go, even got out the bin bags and chucked stuff into one.

Sadly lost my temper, he wouldn't stop shouting so in the end i caved. threw a brush at him. deeply ashamed of myself.

Had to go out to a party, came back, no sign of him, but his stuff is still here, his shaver in charger so he'll be back tonight.

He is going back to his country in Feb, early Feb. He has friends in london. He could stay elsewhere.

I know it's only for a short while longer, but I can't take this any more. I really don't want him anywhere near me.

He is surly, does literally nothing. only sits rolling his cigarettes smoking, talking on the phone to his friends, or watching YouTube. He doesn't wash or clear behind him, it's not his job apparently. Any conversation we have he twists into a fight, he has bad mouthed me to my dearest friends H, to try to get him to ban her from speaking to me, he has hit me on a number of sporadic occasions, he has verbally abused me, he has insisted I cut contact with friends he didn't like,

He has humiliated me (screaming, swearing) in front of literally everyone I ever met in Egypt (Not THAT high a number as he refused to take me out in the beginning, 10 weeks without leaving the flat with a 6-9m old. He was tired/busy)

Snapshot, but you get the picture. In short I have been the most stupendous ffing idiot.

So I plan to tell him he is welcome to spend time with his son until he goes, but that tbh, he needs to stay elsewhere as often as possible.

WTF do I say to DS? Daddy loves you, but it's not working out? Daddy shouts at mummy and DS too much and it's not good for any of us to live like this. Daddy doesn't like living here, he wants to go back to Egypt.

Poor DS said, Can't daddy miss his friends in Egypt?, and Monkey (his favourite toy) is crying because he doesn't want daddy to leave.

Of course he doesn't want his dad to leave, but his dad is a tool. He is ffing useless. he is actually harmful. The fight broke out because DS used the dustpan to sweep up some crumbs from the side.. He started to shout at DS through me, and I didn't see why there was a problem, not THAT big a problem.

So please fellow MNers, some pointers as to how to tell DS and not have him hate me in the end for telling his dad to go.

Egypt is a place where there is no chance of any justice. You can only enforce an order to return a child if there is a residency order IN EGYPT. or so I hear.

If a H has PR, then the school has to hand him over. Nothing anyone can do without a court order.

I have confidence in what is in place. I do understand the concern here and as in the previous thread I have taken it on board, but this is not really where I needed the help. I don't know how to tell DS without wondering if I am saying the wrong thing.

He's only 5 in a couple of weeks, he understands a lot, but I don't want him scared, uneasy about.

FWIW, seems my brutal drains up conversation with H last night has sunk it, and he has gone through a lot in his mind, has apologised profusely, has said he never did any of this on purpose and asked if I can help him understand why he did these things.

He will still go to Egypt in February, for about a year, he does need to, he has important stuff to do there. He says we'll see what is what over time. he wants to stay on good terms, he doesn't want us to fight, he does love me (apparently)

For the sake of 6wks, and in the interests of a more pleasant environment for everyone, I'll go along with it for now.

For me it's still over though, there is no future for us.

Get this book: Putting Children First

And, honestly, stop discussing things with your child until you and his dad know where you stand, when his dad is about to go, when you know where he is going to be and when you know how your child will keep in touch with his dad. Earlier than that and you are making things more traumatic for your son, not knowing what is going to happen with the other parent is not good for them.

Littlemiss- I know how hard it is- I am finding that thinking about the separation and worrying about how it will affect my dds is exhausting. Trying not to be upset in front of them or to show tension with dh. All I can say is to grit your teeth and get through it, try to get your husband to reach a decision about exactly what will happen as soon as possible so you can shorten the time you need to keep it up, and keep reassuring your ds in a general way that you and daddy both love him, and also telling him that you are his mum and it is your job to look after him and protect him and that this is what you will do. Also, try and get opportunities to do things which will take your mind off it, and get a break. Good luck

also, I am getting the 'but I love you and I don't know how this happened' line too- makes me feel guilty and also makes me feel that I am the one who is forcing the separation. Try to keep remembering that this is the best way for you and ds, and also that it is ok that your h might still love you and you might still care for him- but it doesn't mean that you should stay together, just that you have been together a while and shared a lot. You are unhappy and the relationship is not right and does not have a long term future.