Do we do everything?

[PLV]

So, I work full time (teacher), have 2 boys of 6 and 7. Husband a photographer so is home lots of the time. I get boys to school before I go to work, when I get home I clean, wash, shop, iron,cook, do 99.999999% of childcare, deal with his family, deal with my family, sort out Christmas/Birthday/Wedding or whatever plans etc, etc....Am I the only fool doing all this??? Why, oh why, do we do EVERYTHING??? And can I change this??

just don't do it for a day (or as long as it takes): he'll soon get it

That sound totally unreasonable. Why do you do everything? Have you talked to him about it?

plv, how do you teach full time and do all that?

why have a dog and bark yourself?

if you do it - theres no need for him to

Start off by taking no responsibility for anything that is purely his, such as his washing, and stop fixing stuff with his family. Tell him if he's not going to contribute then there's not much point him being there.

What does he say when you want to discuss chore-sharing?

"oh why, do we do EVERYTHING???"

Er... "we" don't. You do. So sit him down, discuss it and then CHANGE IT.

Talk to him!!! He is taking the piss.

Ok, I'm ready for a flaming.

My DH could probably have posted this at the moment. But it is very demoralising to do things when they are either redone or comments are made that I haven't done it quite right.

So I do think you need to have talk with him about doing more, but be a bit careful that if he does things differently doesn't mean they are automatically wrong. That doesn't mean putting up with things that are done badly or are wrong, but you need to have a think about which things you could compromise on and more importantly which you can't.

I think it was SGB who first posted that the fairest way of dividing up chores is to compare how much leisure time both partners achieve. This applies equally to couples where one is in paid work and the other is the SAHP or unemployed. That imbalance would be even more startling, I would think, in your situation OP.

In an ideal world, the over-benefited partner would feel guilty about his/her selfishness and resolve to change, but since as humans we are all capable of being selfish, being generous to your H he probably concludes that if you are daft enough to do it all, he may as well sit back.

Dividing up chores into responsibilities often works well. So, you might decide that he is responsible for the ironing, for example. If he does it badly, he has to do it again. If the DCs are lacking a school shirt on Monday morning, they know it is him they check with, to get it done - and not you. Or the washing, or cleaning the bathrooms. There are other more obvious responsibilities, such as his own family. Don't cover for him here and refuse to accept any criticism of you, if he doesn't look after them. Allocate responsibilities fairly and in accordance with individual schedules. If he is at home a lot in the day, that's more than enough time for him to get out the ironing board and keep up with the washing.

Have a read of a great book called Wifework but don't fall into the trap of thinking that every woman is a martyr who does everything, because we're not. It is utterly self-defeating to get into a routine like this and you will end up resentful and bitter.

You need to sit down and discusss with him how exhauseted you are and how you are finding it impossible to juggle all you have to do and take care of the kids. He should be helping you , and you should be asking him to help out more.

Why cant he get the shopping, hoover through, bath kids cook clear up . . .after all half of it is his mess etc. He is the other adult in the house,, , ,why should you do it all. Carry on like this till the kids grow up and you are going to burn out, or resent him big time. He sounds selfish lazy and taking advantage of your kind nature. . . .bloody cheek IMHO.