dh cannot manage anything vaguely techinical at home....please help give me hints to stop me losing my cool....

[Ferb123]

dh and I have been married a long time and we are both fairly old :-).

dh is a creative type and I knew when I married him that he was hopeless with technical matters but over time, I have taught him some basic stuff (like learning how to switch the electricity back on when it trips, checking the oil in the car - he really knew none of this stuff amazingly).

Recently 2 situations have happened and I just feel I can't cope with this anymore.

The car stopped working on Thursday. I called the AA and while I called the AA asked dh to book the car in with the garage as it's a brand new car so obviously a fault. Finally the AA come today (I told them not to come on Thursday as I knew they would be so busy so booked them in for today), I stay outside with them while they try and fix the car but eventually decide it will have to be towed but it can't be done today. Dh tells me (on Thursday when the car first broke) that he's booked the car in with the garage on Tuesday so I arrange with the AA to come and tow the car on Tuesday so the garage can fix it.

I go back inside to tell dh and he says 'oh I didn't mean I'd BOOKED the garage, I meant I called them and that's when they had their first slot'. So my mouth falls open because of course, the slot won't be there anymore and he DID tell me he'd booked it. He now denies he used those exact words ffs. I could cry..as now I've arranged the AA etc. etc.

And we recently had some building work done. The final close out meeting, when they were due to get the final cheque, dh and I drew up a list of things that had to be finished (some of them quite major - like they'd missed out a piece of guttering). There were 10 items. I left the cheque with dh as I had a v important work meeting and he said he was happy to handle it.

I said to him, under no circumstances do we give that final cheque to them till everything has been fixed otherwise we will never see them again.

Yes I KNOW says dh, cue rolling eyes etc.

I come back from work to find not one item on the list fixed and the cheque gone :-(. I said wtf happened. Oh they promised him they would come back and fix them and if they don't come back, he will personally arrange to fix everything himself.

6 months later and none of the 10 things on the list have been done.

WHAT THE FUCK do I do with him. I challenged him on both things and he just goes to pieces. I am the breadwinner, I work long hours and am tired, I arrange all the bills, he does his fair share around the house but seems incapable of anything that involves common sense - it's like he can't handle anything he can't understand (cars, electrics, builders) iyswim but I am finding it SO frustrating :-(

I think you are allowing him to remain a child.

He doesn't have to be capable - you step in. You earn the money, you organise everything, you give step by step instructions which he must follow - it's like he's 5 and you're his mum! Or he's a rebellious teen sticking 2 fingers up to what mum is telling him to do.

Perhaps counselling? To get you both out of these roles you've settled into?

you see the weird thing is he takes total charge of most things he does but anything technical he just cannot handle. It really is only that one area so I almost feel bad about complaining. It's just this year there's been a real focus on it because we had building work done and got a car that dies all the time.

I've found myself feeling resentful towards him because he can't do these things (which is probably a bit mean of me lol!).

His parents are like this too. They have to call round workmen to do everything, absolutely everything. They can't change a fuse in a plug ffs! It costs a fortune amongst everything else!

But booking a slot for the car isn't technical, is it? Nor is handing over a cheque before the work is done. technical is working the vcr, the microwave? Isn't it?

What he lacks, from your post, is organisational ability and common sense.

oh yes that's very true. But the thing is, he isn't only like this with me. He is like this in every day life, with his work, with everyone - it is purely because his job is a creative one that he can get away with being that way.

He feels intimidated by technical stuff. I think I see it in our son - who doesn't like trying things he doesn't think he will be brilliant at. Do you know what I mean? But it almost becomes a pathological need to dislike those things and avoid them because you know you won't be good at them (like speaking to workmen - he doesn't understand what they say to him and becomes intimidated, completely, it really flusters him). What I can't understand is why it took me 30 years to see this. It's only through having our own children that I can see how he develped that way. But it's made me more annoyed with him as I'm the sort of person who prides themselves on being able to look after myself and it's almost as though dh prides himself in being able to rely on others.

There's nothing wrong with being that way of course, a lot of people do it. But now I've realised that he's like that, I'm finding it enormously irritating. And he's too old to relearn his personality.

You're never too old.

I can't is just an excuse for not wanting to / being afraid to.

If, god forbid, you got hit by a bus tomorrow, would he be unable to function in the world? No. He'd learn.

Instead of challenging him can you sit down and discuss what his reasoning is? Also the consequences of not doing things properly - the impact on you? By taking things over and sorting them (eg the AA stuff) he probably doesn't think it's a big deal, especially as his parents are like this and just throw money at a problem.

I know. You're right. But he's not going to change. He's going to one of the dc's concerts tomorrow. He's off work. It's a ticketed thing so I need to be back from work to look after the other dcs. So I asked him what time I have to be back (last week) in case I needed to leave early. Nah it's fine, it starts late enough for you to leave at 5.

So now he tells me he's only opened the tickets now and it starts at 7. At a venue 90 mins away from us. So for him to go and the other dcs to be looked after, I'd have to leave work at 3.30 ffs!

Not my fault he says to me. But I said, you had the tickets, you could have looked earlier than the night before. So he's just stormed out saying he doesn't want to be with me if I'm going to be 'that way'. It's not his fault, he didn't know!

(I mean that's what he says, not what I think)

his solution is to bring all the dcs to my work and for me to take them all back in rush hour on the train with me (as he's going past my work on the way to the concert). i.e. inconveniencing all of us!

Yes, I have done the consequence thing but it seems to drive him totally into his shell more. Rather than making him deal with it, it seems to make him feel worse about himself and thus he tackles less. I'm beginning to realise he is incredibly insecure. How did I not realise this earlier :(.

Oh it sounds so tough. Can you talk about it in an open way - so you don't tell him how you feel, how it upsets you, just focus on him, his feelings and how he'd like to manage this? He sounds quite defensive (especially the storming off bit).