How can I stop my friend getting involved with a MM?

[kittya]

She's on her own with two beautiful DD's. Shes lonely, I get that. I try and get her to come out but she always changes her mind at the last minute and tbh, Ive suspected for along time that there is a MM on the scene because of the way she always changes plans.

He has been persuing her for more than a year. She said nothings happened but she has started to have feelings for him. He is always helping her out.

Its all just come out in a conversation. Ive told her its down to her own loneliness that she is tempted and that if she gets involved she is going to get massively hurt.

I do feel for her.

What is wrong with these blokes that they want to have their cake and eat it?? It makes me so angry!!

What is mm??

Married.

married man?

Tell her to come on here and do a bit of reading.

She has her own mind and there's not a lot you can actually do. TBH I would lose respect for a friend involved with a married man and think you are being very nice trying to understand her POV ie being lonely.

At the end of the day it's her life and her choice - can understand your frustrations though.

I was just thinking that wordweaver - the amount of threads I have read on here when a women finds out her husband or partner has been having an affair, their devastation is palpable through the computer screen and my heart always breaks for them.

Sorry, I know I cant stop her, just guide her. I just think that if she could find it in herself to come out more (she always loves it when she actually does get out) when she hasnt got the children she would see that there is some fun to be had with her friends. I mean, she always gets chatted up and we are all in the same boat.

I couldnt possibley fall out with her over it!! Its weird how Id suspected that this was the reason for always letting me down.

Its sounds like he has got under her skin.

It is horrible been stuck in on your own with just the telly and a bottle to keep you company I just wish she could see how getting involved will lead to heart ache.

I don't think you're hearing an honest account here Kittya and I've noticed that on other threads, you tend to blame the men in these situations and cast them in the role of pursuer. I wonder whether your friend knows this and has victimised herself to you, because she knows you will excuse her behaviour?

She is an adult who can make choices and decisions. She has chosen to be a bad friend to you numerous times (I've seen your threads about her) and she has chosen to get involved with a married man and deceive another woman and possibly children in the process.

I don't care how lonely or vulnerable she is, it is no excuse. I'm not letting him off the hook either, but she is absolutely not a victim.

Do I cast men in a bad light? I never thought about that, just the plonkers Ive come accross! some of them I like!! I think it depends what thread I am talking on, and it is usually about this topic (it seems to be a very popular subject on this board!!) Please dont think I tar them all with the same brush otherwise theres no hope for me meeting a decent one!!

You are right, she is capable of making her own decisions. You sound like you think she has already gone down that route so, Im keeping out of it from now on.

Tears before bedtime me thinks.

Thanks!!

I was thinking about this the other day.

My parents marriage broke up when I was 15. He went off with OW and eventually married her. she has 2 DD each a year older than me and my sister.

the OW lost her H to another OW prior to her affair with my dad.

If I was 15/16 and my mum was involved in a relationship with a MM with DC, I would have said something. I recall really well how my mum fell apart after the collapse of her 20yr+ marriage.

The kind of person that sits by and watches another destroy or be complicit in the destruction of another person's marriage is not a suitable person to be a friend.

I don't have WWIFN's herculean memory, but I know that she is always fair, and I respect her judgement calls 100%, as well she knows.

If she says your friend is a waste of time and cites previous threads, then that is good enough for me, in concert with this latest poor behaviour, she would no longer be a friend of mine. I would tell her clearly why too.

Her feelings get hurt by my home truth? shame, I'd rather that than a family get torn apart for a quick tumble.

It IS easy to look at blokes, despair and decree them all tossers, they do it so well, but we have to remind ourselves that billions of women ARE happy with their partners, that good men do (apparently) exist.

Yes, I know they do I live in hope!!

I cant remember my previous threads, I cant even remember what I did last week!! I think I mainly write on the fashion/tv threads, Ive never searched to be honest. I would hate to think I come accross as labelling men all the same.

WWIFN is probably right and my friend is probably lying. Shes done it before when shes let me down by saying she cant get babysitters it was probably just to see him.

I dont think she chased him, I will give her that. He lives next door to her and is always offering to do things for her.

Wwifn is right.

Worth remembering that there are millions of lonely single women that manage not to shag mm.

LOL,"He lives next door to her and is always offering to do things for her."

Yeah I bet he is....

I know all the PC stuff I said before, but single mums are often targeted. Decent blokes don't do this, but may dogs do. My own mother was approached, by many family friends, oh it'll just be between us, no-one will ever know etc etc.

It takes a lot of strength and courage and morals to stand up to them, but this is what she has to do.

I would tell her that she IS on a hiding to nothing. IF he IS trying it on with her, she WILL get discovered if she goes down that path, that she'll create a world of shite on her very back door step, and will have to move.

Also what example does it set to her DD? that it's OK to bed another family's daddy? IF she carried on with that path, I'd tell her that she'd lose her dignity, she'd lose this relationship sooner or later, and she would lose the respect of her DD and indeed my friendship.

No dick is worth all that.

Well, I darent agree with you and call him a dick now!! incase Im labelling them all

Ive resisted the remarks about him coming around to borrow a cup of sugar. I have told her though that if she takes it any further she will have to move house and everything its not worth it. Of course hes dropping her the same old lines and telling her what a lovely patient mother she is. I havent asked too much cos I dont want to know. At the risk of being flamed I do think he is chasing her and what she has to do now is put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.

Thankyou LMHF for your lovely words.

Kittya I'm afraid I do have the memory of an elephant and I can remember one thread from yonks ago when you couldn't believe that women pursued men in affairs, or that men consulted forums when they had suffered infidelity by their wives. I can also remember the threads about your friend causing you to lose money on a ticket for something or other, when she pulled out at the last minute. I assume this is her?

Please don't misunderstand me, I think you come across as a wonderful friend, but I think perhaps you might have a bit of a blind spot about female behaviour. And I don't think that you dislike all men at all, but I have just noticed that you tend to blame men more in affairs and not the women they are colluding with, to deceive their wives.

Just as I always say to female posters who complain that the OW pursued their spouse before the affair happened, he could and should have said "no". Or married female posters who complain that their OM pursued them, until they were powerless to resist; it's that "no" word again. The reality is that men pursue affairs with women and women pursue affairs with men; single and attached men and women pursue relationships all the time.

I always advise posters to establish who pursued whom, because it is significant in affair recovery to work out whether their spouse went looking for an affair, or was too weak to say no when someone else came calling, but when it all comes down to it, both parties engaging in an affair are to blame.

As for your friend, yes I do think she has been having a full affair for a long time and that she is playing the victim role with you and not taking responsibility for her behaviour and her choices. If you intend on continuing to be the good friend that you are, refuse to collude with this evasion of personal responsibility if she still insists on asking for your advice.

You might want to say what I did to a friend who was a single OW, but who was at least being honest that in her case, she had pursued the relationship with a weak-as-piss MM. That if she did decide to talk to me about it, I would be very challenging with her, but that I would help her.

This left the ball in her court and she talked to me. Aided by a very challenging counsellor who refused to let her off the hook (or the MM for that matter), between us we managed to get my friend to see what was really happening. I am delighted to report that she dumped the MM this summer and says she would never get involved in a relationship like this again. She has learned a lot about her behaviour and affairs in general.

to be honest the only post I remember is the one about having to go out on my own and that I had a spare ticket to the gig because my friend let me down and, yes it was her.
As for all the other postings, I dont have your memory for them but, I get the gist.
Im pretty sure though that I post on various threads about loads of topics and not just ones about married men getting their ends away.

When you say you find out who persued who I can only take my friends word for it that its him thats coming around asking if she wants her garden doing (??????????) thats why it does seem that she might be telling the truth about that cos I cant imagine shes knocking on his door every five minutes asking for a cup of sugar!!! Its all very reader's wives

If it helps at all her first husband left her for another woman so, she does know the score. She's the most secretive person I know so I dont think she will volunteer much information.

Thanks for your advice, I will keep it in mind if she does get back to me!!

No, Kittya. I am saying that it doesn't matter a jot who pursued whom. Just as I believe that women can pursue men, I also believe that men can pursue women. This part of your friend's story might be the truth.

What I was saying was, that if his wife came on here posting, I would urge her to establish who pursued whom, but only so that we could establish whether her H was the type of man who went looking for an affair, or was one who was too weak to resist when an opportunity arose. That is significant from the betrayed party's perspective only, in finding out how detached the errant spouse was from the primary relationship, before he had an affair. Those who go looking are generally more detached than those who cannot pass up an opportunity.

As far as this situation with your friend is concerned, it's of no relevance to you, about who pursued whom.

I also meant to say downthread that if all this is being conducted under the guise of him doing "odd jobs" for his neighbour, what a shitty thing they are both doing to his trusting wife (also your friend's neighbour, after all.) His wife might be such a kind person that she is encouraging her H to help a lone female and might be too nice to wonder aloud why an adult woman can't tend to her own garden (fnarr, fnarr). I expect your friend is playing the helpless female who is "too silly" to do DIY, to full effect .

Talk about shitting on your own doorstep..

You can see how she's lying to you when she says "he keeps coming around" when instead you should reply "and you keep letting him in, why is that?"

She could of course, do a course in garden design or get off her backside to mow the lawn, let's not forget that. She could say "I'm a capable woman, thanks. I do my own odd-jobs." Yes, like LMHF says, he might be a predatory wanker who thinks that all single mums are fair game, but she's only adding to the stereotype, isn't she, by proving his point?

Meanwhile, there is a betrayed woman quietly seething at this "daft female" act your friend is enacting, or worst still, believing that her husband is such a "decent sort" that he would help a damsel in distress.

you can't

You can't but pointing her either here or one of the forums for the OW, might make her realise that no one is ever happy for long in these situations.

Can you point out that perhaps its better to go for a man whose primary criteria for a shag on the side is something other than proximity? She really doesn't need the fall out that inevitably happens with affairs on her doorstep.

However, my experience in watching friends do this is that they do what they want to do. And by the time they tell you they're normally already past the point of return.

The best you can do is perhaps not get too involved? Its clearly going to get messy and you don't want to be in the thick of it!

Ive already stepped back. Like I said earlier she is the most secretive person I know, shes not one for full on female friendships so Im guessing she will keep it mainly to herself.

I wish he would stop giving her those sob my wife doesnt understand me stories though.

And yes, she should learn abit of diy!! and get someone else to let the dog out for her.

I am a single mum, was left the same as your friend, and I am sad and sorry to say that I was hit on by a lovely aquantances husband. I was really falttered, and disgusted at the same time! I would never go near a mm and on top of that I know the children, I know the wife and there was no way I would go there with him! That you can't help who you fall in love with bs, i just don't buy it! I have to say I found him attractive and that is why I stopped going to the place where I was sat with him for an hour every week, so that no more flirting/temptation could happen! You know the score!

As an aside, I think that the man and his wife have parted amicably from what I can gather!

I can understand why you buy into the friend, I had so called friends like that in the past, no longer though!

What are you going to do?

I like the challenge that WWIFN suggested, so why let him in etc...

"shes not one for full on female friendships"

Now, why doesn't that surprise me?

MsGee is right, people just do what they wanna do. There is no way you can talk her out of this, if you want to be a supportive friend then be there for her when it inevitably all goes tits up.

Try not to judge her too much though, we all do stupid stuff don't we? (No? just me then ). Though she is by no means the victim here, his poor wife and family are.

If I did something like this I would hope my friends wouldn't turn their backs on me. I guess it depends how close you are though.

Mummiehunnie, you sound great, so good to read about self control and doing the right thing despite temptation!

My H's OW was a lonely single mum, he was playing the role of knight in shining armour. The irony of it makes me sick. Now she is in a worse state than ever because of course it was all fantasy. She had to settle for crumbs, a shadow of a real relationship throughout. It was a complete fabrication- she only saw one side of him, and he couldnt share with her huge parts of his life (me and the DCs). And then of course she was dumped when the wake up call came and H chose his wife and family.

These were the consequences of her actions, but it probably wouldn't have made a difference. H said some of her friends were pro and some against, hope she'll think twice in future.