Grrr, it drives me mad when my nan pushes DS towards family that I am not interested in!!

[CrazyChristmasLady]

Some of my family are great and I got on well with them. My nan is lovely and we are very close and me and DS (2.10) see lots of her. He adores going up there.

However, I also have some family that I cannot stand and I would be perfectly happy if I never saw them again. I don't buy into this crap about how we have to get on because we are unfortunate enough to be related.

My nan, however always tries to keep the peace even when some people are, quite frankly, bloody vile people.

Sometimes, said vile people happen to be at my nans when we are there. She knows my feelings about these people (and she agrees with me!) but she will do anything she can to 'push' (not physically) DS towards them. As soon as they walk in, she makes a huge deal about it and says things like "look DS, its xxxx, go and talk to xxxx" and then spends the whole time we are there, trying to get this other person to talk to DS and to get DS to go over and engage with them when he is happily just playing with his toys. Yesterday she was doing it again and DS just wasn't interested, far more into his toys but she kept bringing up a hobby that this relative used to do and was saying "DS ask xxxx about when she used to do xxxx" which had absolutely no relevance to any conversation or activity that was going on.

Another relative who I really do hate (with good reason and so does her own brother), my nan started referring to her as "Aunty xxx" even though she isn't DS's aunty and she doens't refer to this bitch from hell relatives siblings as "Uncle xxx."

I know it is trivial things but when we stop meeting at my nans, I know for a fact that these people will not be in my life and I am fed up with a relationship that is never going to happen being pushed onto DS when he would rather just be playing and I don't really want anything to do with said toxic relative anyway. I am fed up of pretending to like people because I am related to them. They are horrible people that I would avoid at all costs if I knew them in any other way.

How can I get her to stop?!! I can see Christmas day being full of this, being its one of the few times a year that some of these toxic relatives are guaranteed to be there.

I know this might sound silly, but can't you phone first and check whether or not these people are going to be there, then avoid going at the same time? Or do they drop in while you're there?

Obviously Christmas is a bit different - but (and I feel for you, I do) it depends on how badly you want to keep the peace and not upset your Nan yourself. If you want to play nice for her sake, then just bite the bullet and leave it - seems like your DS goes his own way anyhow, regardless of your Nan's "encouragements"; but if you don't care at all, then just say "DS, you don't need to speak to that person if you don't want to" and let it go.

As someone who is viewed as a toxic relative by one of my siblings, it isn't pleasant to hear small DC being told "don't talk to her, she's nasty" when they come near me - I have no problem with said sibling never talking to me again (quite happy about it, tbh) but I don't think DC should be dragged into the argument UNLESS they would actually be in some kind of danger from that relative.

Unfortunately, we are often there and someone will phone up and my nan will say "oh yes CCL and DS is here, come up" or they will drop in so phoning first isn't an option.

I never let my feelings on to DS, I wouldn't say to him "don't talk to her, she's nasty" its a horrible thing to say to a child and is putting them in the middle which I don't like when it comes to children. I feel bad for you.

I don't want to upset my nan, obviously, and I did have a word with her before about not referring to this person as "Aunty xxx" as she isn't DS's aunty anyway and I am not a fan of this 'lets refer to all and sundry as aunts and uncles when they are other relatives or friends.' I feel it takes it away from the real aunts and uncles (who DS adores).

I am not the most diplomtic person in the world and I am pregnant and hormonal and not great at getting my point across. My nan is also not someone who listens and will tend to go "yeah alright" whilst looking that other way and you know for a fact that she is thinking I am talking absolute crap. She is a bit of a pain to tell anything to that she doesn't believe in or agree with (brief example, I won't let her give DS chocolate an hour before tea but she will still ask me, in front of DS everytime I am there if he can have some, she knows my reasons, DS won't eat his tea and it is a treat for when he is good etc, I also have the backing of my grandad on this issue but she sees it as me being mean and still asks every single time, because she doesn't agree with me).

Aw thanks, it is a measure more of the character of my sibling that such a thing was said - I wouldn't say my sib was toxic but given the choice, I would sever all contact just because we do not get on at all and there's no point in pretending.

My Mum was a bit like your Nan - and there is nothing I found that works. But my Mum had an added element of devilry - she would "bait" me as well, just for fun.

The only way I would work around the aunty thing is to say "Who? Oh, XX, she's not an aunty, she's only XX" every time. Your DS will pick it up very quickly (if he's anything like mine, just 3) and start telling her himself.

The visitors - you just have to bite the bullet or cut short your visits when other people turn up. It sounds like you see your Nan fairly frequently - so perhaps you can get away with it? just to say, sorry Nan, we've got to go in a few minutes anyway, we'll leave you to it with XYZ.