I've posted about this issue a couple of times in the past with different names.
Long story short; DH and I have sex issues. I had sex I didn't want (poss. PND killed my libido), out of sense of 'duty' or hoping that I'd suddenly start wanting it by having it. This led to resentment. I decided it was becoming a major issue (I started dreading him touching me and foresaw a life where I never enjoyed sex again - have totally lost any body confidence etc).
Broached the subject with DH who took it very personally despite my attempts at explaining. "You've been hating sex with me for the past year", "now you're telling me you feel sick when I touch you", "I'm so sad you hate me".
Not very productive but I understand that I basically dumped this on him when he thought everything was fine.
That's another issue actually. I find it hard to believe, truly believe, that he did think everything was fine and normal. Towards the end (before I decided to talk about it), I was I now see trying to make it clear that my heart wasn't in it. This probably backfired in all sorts of ways, but there you go.
Anyway. We had discussion after discussion - all started by me - about this issue and what we could do. DH very negative, sees it as a rejection of him. Every time I tried to discuss my feelings he'd close down the conversation. Not sure if he was angry or guilty or what.
At the same time, I was getting angrier. I don't know if that was fair - basically I told him that I hadn't wanted to have sex for the past year, that's a big deal, he must feel really betrayed and lied to (which he was). I do see that. But he was so disinterested in working on it. We had the first talk months and months ago - eight months? And I've always been consistent and explained whenever I could.
And he's still going on about us never having sex (so I say "do you want me to have sex I don't want?", and he says "no! But I am really depressed that you don't want me") - and won't do anything about it. Won't agree to sexual touching without progression to intercourse, just doesn't touch me. It's really upsetting me and I am getting so frustrated. Surely he should want to help me improve things?
So I have been asking that we seek counselling for, well, months. He has finally come round after a 'breakthrough' conversation a couple of weeks ago where I was able to give him a recent example of the behaviour which is making me scared to try and do anything sexual in case he takes it too far too fast.
(I was drying my hair, naked in the kitchen. He walked past and kissed my neck. I responded by pressing against him and stroking his arm. He grabbed at my crotch and tried to put a finger inside me).
I gave him that example and he was visibly surprised and agreed that was inappropriate and - later in the same conversation - that we could see a counsellor. Actually making it happen is a whole other thing due to time and finances but I felt great that he'd finally said okay and seemed open to productive discussion withoug acting the victim.
But how can I desire someone who'd act like that? I can't say that to him anymore - whenever I have, he's just heard "I don't desire you", and gone off on one.
Anyway, he came home from a work xmas do last night. I was feeling really good - he'd texted me to keep me informed, wasn't falling-down drunk and was home at a reasonable hour. This is in stark contrast to last year when he was brought home at 4am by a colleague after getting blind, blind drunk in a bar after the do.
I thought wow, maybe he's actually understanding that I need to feel respected and that's how I feel respected, by him acting in a considerate manner (he doesn't think my requests are reasonable so it matters that he complied with them).
We chatted, he'd brought me some corporate gifts home (edible), and gone to a lot of trouble stealing the ones I'd like best. He was lovely.
Went to bed and he said he was "feeling amarous" and I was too, actually. It started well - he said "I know it's been a while so I'll take it slow".
But then the second we started it was just like the bad old days. He took offence halfway through because I was "looking like I was hating it", which made me feel really selfconscious. I explained that I was a bit uncomfortable (I was on top and he had moved me into a position which was uncomfortable). So we changed position and that was much better and I actually began to enjoy myself... But he was just pumping away, and then he came and just kept pumping away - way back when, it would've been my turn then. I guess him still being hard meant it was still all about him? I said it was sore and could we stop. He said of course, apologised, cuddled up and after whining about his erection a bit more he went to sleep.
I thought it had gone alright.
But the next day he was grumpy, and when I challenged him he said that I had told him (in so many words, apparently), that I had hated the sex and what was the point and everything he did was wrong and I clearly found him repulsive.
I challenged him - as that wasn't what had happened at all - and he eventually said "well you probably remember better than I do, but fine".
I am left really confused and bereft. Surely if he wants to have sex, he'd try to make it a nice experience? Why is he inventing conversations when I tell him I hated it? Why is it so important to him that I am always rejecting him?
(I'm not, anymore - last night was the first time he's tried to do anything, my responding was a big step for me).
I am gutted, frankly. What has he got invested in me being the bad guy? Am I never going to have good sex with the man I love again?
I'm really not sure where to go with this, now. I was thinking relate but maybe a sex therapist?
It's so, so depressing. It's 4am and I can't sleep for, well, hating him, really. Last night could've been a breakthrough and he's decided it was another rejection and invented a whole scenario!
It's just not right, is it. But I don't know what to do.