How to help dh deal with his emotional abuse

[towneral]

Namechanging regular - because I am therefore dh are recognisable from my posts and profile and he wouldn't want this to be common knowledge.

Dh was emotionally abused by his dad throughout his childhood. Felt bullied and frightened in his own home. He describes several examples - being shouted at for not being able to hit a golf ball out of a bunker, being made to stand on a chair to recite his lines for a school play and being shouted at when he didn't do it well enough, being force fed the only 2 foods he hated when his mum went away for a weekend, being shouted at when his school report said 'he is quiet' rather than praised for doing outstandingly well in every other area. He can't describe any positive memories of his dad other than that he sometimes tickled his back when going to sleep. He describes breathing a sigh of relief when he heard his dad going out to work at the weekend as then he could relax rather than being constantly on edge and frightened of when his dad would kick off. These examples are only a few out of many, and I have deliberately shortened them in the interest of making this post not too long, but just illustrate the kind of atmosphere he grew up in. He can't describe any positive memories of his dad other than that he sometimes tickled his back when going to sleep.

Largely as a result of his childhood dh has struggled with depressionfor probably as long as he can remember but it really came to a head after the birth of ds2 3 years ago and he has been struggling with it ever since. Several medications have not really worked and CBT and psychotherapy have not been effective either.

Recently it all came to a head when his dad tried to kill himself. Dh rushed to be with his mum and dad and for a short time his Dad seemed more relfective and vulnerable than he ever has and they were able to discuss things that they never have (such as his own relationship with his dad which sounds very similar and how he felt when his mum committed suicide). However within a couple of days he was back to his usual self. Dh ended up telling him how he felt about his childhood in the company of his dads psychiatrist and his mum (who really only has a 'on paper' relationship with dhs dad and although they are together live very separate lives). Since then his dad has not commented on what dh said or apologised for any of it.

Dh has come round to thinking that what he really needs in order to move forward and t try and beat his depression is to get to a place where he can accept that what is done is done and move forward. But he just doesn't know how to do that and I don't know how to help him. It is made more challenging because his dad now seems to want to build bridges but dh has got beyond the point where a relationship with his dad is possible.

Sorry for this somewhat garbled post but thought it was all relevant even if I haven't put it down very articulately. What I am asking is if any of you have come through similar childhoods and been able to move forward and if so what helped. And what I could do to try and help ans support him. I would be very grateful for any help and advice

This resonates with me. I had a violent and nasty father and an insane mother.

I was frightened every day of my life. I never spoke to my father about his behaviour as it was just not possible to talk to him at all. He is dead now thank god.

Having my own children brought all my depression to the surface. I had no idea I was even depressed before them, I just knew I was angry all the time, but had no idea why. Of course looking back now, anger turned inwards results in depression.

To cut a long story short, I am now having psychotherapy. but this will takes years to have any affect.

What medication and for how long did he have therapy? These things are not solved in a few sessions.

I went into psychotherapy thinking I would be somehow 'cured'. I know now that that will not happen. I will just get to accept things and not be so angry anymore.

I feel your pain, he is lucky to have someone that cares about him.

He needs some counselling by the sound of it on his own. Be supportive but don't be his counsellor. Hencourafe him to focus on positive things in his life.

Toxic parents is a very good book which I'd suggest he reads.

Thanks for posting and sharing what you have been through. As a parent it is just incomprehensible that you could treat your beloved children in this manner. If you have been through even half of what my dh has then I and really truely sorry. Sending you a big hug.

Reading your words it could be my dh writing them.

He tried 3 lots of medication. prozac, citalopram and eventually was referred to a psychiatrist to get venlafaxine. All had an effect initially but too soon for it to be the antidepressants (which take a couple of weeks to work). In the end all they did was give him a load of unpleasant side effects and not deal with the underlying problem.

He had several sessions of psychotherapy over I think about a year before ds2 was born in order to try and ddeal with his feelings about his dad and his childhood. Ultimately he just felt as though they were talking round and round in circles and that while it was helpful in order to process how he felt it didn't actually solve anything.

More recently he had cbt for about a year I think but ultimately felt much the same as with the psychotherapy. I think he now is at the point where the thought of bringing it all up again and going through the several weeks of building up a relationship with the counsellor before really getting anywhere is all too much. He is thinking about hypnotherapy - don't know if you have any experience of this?

I think one thing we are both struggling with is that he has tried all these things yet really things are no better. I think the idea that feeling like this for the rest of his life because he is not able to move on is pretty horrific really and I am very scared that because of that he may get the a point where he thinks its not worth going on (I have asked him about this directly a few times and feel happy its not an imminent issue but still concerned that it might become in the future).

cross posted hairyfairy lights. Will order that book

If there is the slightest hint of suicidal thoughts then he MUST go to his doctor.

I am in group psychotherapy, which is effective more quickly than one-to-one. Can he ask his doctor if there is any in your area? Even so I am in the group for up to three years, so this is never going to be a quick-fix.

There has to be a reasonably good relationship with the psychotherapist, so perhaps the one he had before was not the right one for him.

The thing with psychotherapy though is that it gets worse before it gets better. Facing things that are painful is very hard. Medication will help him over the hard bits. There are diffferent types, so he needs to ask the GP for some that suit him.

My children are early twenties now, and it is only recently that I have stopped comparing my childhood with theirs. I don't want to make ytou feel worse, but these chidlhoods take a long time to recover from.

I echo the previous poster...it has to be him, not you, who does this. For himself.

Does he ever read any boards set up for abuse survivors? I find the NPD boards very useful.

He hasn't read any boards for abuse survivors. He had a look at a couple for people with depression. If you have any that you could recommend that would be great. I think that he would be open to this and would probably find it helpful.

His psychotherapy did get worse before it got better. He was prepared for this but I think like you we have been hoping for a solution that will suddenly make him feel OK but actually that probably isnt going to happen and he needs to find a way to live with it rather than make it all go away.

He has had suicidal thoughts in the past but he doesn't at the moment. I am confident about that or I would be insisting he saw the doctor or calling them myself.

I think you are both right that he has to do this for himself. I find it hard as I naturally look for solutions and like to fix stuff (part of what I do at work too) and have found it very hard to accept that I cannot do that here - all I can do is be there for him. He does want to do this for himself but I think is a bit at a loss as to how to do that at the moment.

I will mention the group psychotherapy to himas well as the support boards and see what he thinks. We were talking last night about the fact that he might find it helpful to talk with people who have been through similar experiences and I think it is something he may try.

I will also tell him about your experience that it is likely to take years before seeing any benefit as I think this might make him more likely to try it again.

Thanks a lot for sharing your experience with me and all the very best for your future

Towneral, this must be so hard for you too but your DH is lucky he has such a supportive partner. I am sure you are helping him a lot even though it might not always feel that way to you.
I was neglected and abused by my parents too and spent years thinking I was just depressed as a result.
Recently however I have read a lot about abuse survivors actually suffering from Complex PTSD, which needs to be handled differently. If you google Pete Walker you'll find some very in-depth and helpful material about it.
Like your DH I tried all the pills but they didn't help, and psychiatrists generally don't know what to do except prescribe pills.
What's needed is another form of therapy. I tried CBT but found it superficial and unhelpful.
There are some methods of dealing with trauma such as EMDR and OEI that don't require years of talking. You can research them online and try to find a therapist who practises them if you think they might be useful. I've just started OEI and it sounds very weirdI was very sceptical and only tried it because I was desperate but it seems to be helping.
Your DH might also find it useful to read the Stately Homes threads in Relationships, which are for people who grew up in abusive families.

I hesitate to recommend the specific boards I use as they are for survivors of personality disordered parents, and some of them can be very shocking at first.

As quiddity says, the Stately Homes thread is very good, although I have always found it too painful to keep up with!

And of course, as quiddity says, PTSD is always a possibility with survivors of abuse. If he is really up for this then I think his GP has to be the first port of call, and a referral to the mental health team. I had to wait a year though for a place, and that's not uncommon. Probably even worse now as cuts are being made.

If he has a good insight into his problems, which it sounds as though he does, then online boards are very helpful. Just google 'survivors of childhood abuse' or something similar.

Thanks all. Really helpful to hear your insights. Dh has bought the toxic parents book. I haven't gone into all the other things yet but will definately show him this thread so he has some ideas as to where he might go to for support.