feel so sad, dad has tried to kill himself again tonight

[Trebuchet]

3rd time this year. I am far away from the rest of the family just waiting for news again. Basically he has had a bloody hard life and worst possible childhood-rape, abuse, beatings, brain damage because of the beatings, neglect, borstal. He beat the odds and met mam, married, held down a job for 30 years and brought all of us up the best he could. He cannot work anymore, and is just starting to come to terms with the past. v v hard for him. He dreads each therapy session. can't sleep for days running up to it, then he drinks to try and get some sleep. Then he gets anxious and thinks we'd be better off without him despite constantly being told that we treasure him and are very proud of him.

The first couple of times he did this I was fuious at him, of the lack of regard for all he would have left behind but now I am just desperately sad. He says he has never enjoyed his life. What a fucking waste and a dreadful shame. He gave me everything I could ask for, ahs been a brilliant dad. god just don't know what to do

Maybe a hospital doctor will change his meds before he leaves again - you don't mention any anti-depressants. I had temazepam to help sleeping, and would not have dared or needed to take alcohol, which is a depressant, at the same time.
So sorry he is not getting better despite having counselling and I hope they can arrange more effective treatment before he leaves.

Thank you. They actually said thie last time that he was just "normally" depressed and his ad's were fine whatever that means

We had a big talk over the Autumn Kerry and I told him that I felt he had to accept 2 things before he could move on, that it was not his fault and that he deserved to be happy. I send him cards every couple of weeks reminding him. But I will get everyone to contribute towards something that he can look at whenever he needs to remember that

Just PMed you. It's my first PM so I hope you got it.

[Kerry - this is a genuine question - why do you advise against him self-sectioning? A friend OD'd a while back, and was sectioned. It was all a bit awful, but it did lead to attention to her medication.

I admit that I've always been a bit wary of sectioning prior to that, but was surprised at the positive outcome in this instance.

I only ask because your advice is good, ime, so I'm guessing you have a good reason for advising against.]

Kerry's advice is good. I made a suicide attempt when younger, and was very struck by a friend telling me how much they cared for me, in the way Kerry suggests; point by point. Weird, really. you wouldn't think it would make a difference, but it really did.

Poor, poor you. And your poor father.

It does seem crazy that he is being left so unsupported (medically) when going through traumatic issues in therapy.

I agree with the writing down how much he means to you. As you can tell from my name, Its a Wonderful Life plays on my mind a lot, for that wonderful message that one persons life, a seemingly ordinary life, can mean so very much to so many people and that their absence really would hurt people.

I know sectioning is not a first resort, just think if the hospital send him home it might be better than being left alone and frightened.

If he's more comfortable in his own home, a Community Health Team might be another option. They come and visit you every day and monitor your progress, make a plan with you about your treatment and let you stay in control.

A couple of winters ago I was suicidal and got the help I needed with two weeks of intensive support (a visit every day, then - when I could manage it - every other day) just to get myself back into a kind of balance again. It's weird, but just knowing that someone would be there every day - it helped. (It's all a bit hazy now; sorry I can't be more specific.)

I really feel for you.

How are you this morning?

Thank you, I'm ok. I have phoned the hospital and read up about their self tox policy just to try and understand it a bit. It doesn't mention a community health team but its an excellent idea, i will ask. Feel drained. just want him to feel like his life is worth living. Its tough because he is not a usual 52 yr old. because of the brain damage he's more like a teenager, but the hospital don't know him well enough to know all this and i wonder if it affects how he is treated...

I don't know what I would have done last night without your suppost. I am so grateful for your care.

Trebuchet, I only found this thread this morning and just wanted to add my support. It's horrible, that mixture of anger and not understanding.

As a carer I'm worried about your mum and other relatives who live near your dad.

Are they getting any support?

Busy now but will PM you later with some contacts that I hope will help x

Treb, my dh has had suicidal thoughts recently and I've been advised to contact the crisis team at the local PCT. Has anyone been in touch with them or with his GP? You could also call MIND?

I don't know for sure but I don't think being sectioned is being written off - I have a friend who was sectioned in the past and he'd doing fine now.

All thoughts to you and your family.

Do you have photos aswell as letters of him with you/GC happy ones just to show him how much he means to you all aswell? Just a thought.

you are not written of if sectioned. For many people it means they can get the help they need and be watched if they are a danger to themselves - when they are strong enough you go home again. A family member has been sectioned several times and is home again at the moment, it can be short term.

Thanks everyone he is back home now. They have said they think he has Post traumatic stress disorder. They said his gp needs to give him different ad's and he needs to continue his councelling. They think a pych unit is not the answer for him and they won't be sending anyone out to the house to see him

Have spoken to him and told him to stop apologising, that I just want him to be happy, told him I loved him and was so proud of him but am writing him a sort of "petition" too for everyone to write a contribution on.

He's supposed to have councelling every 2 weeks but I've suggested my mam ask the councellor if he can have it weekly and I will pay for the extra ones.

Tall- I am very worried about my mam too any any suggestions you've got would be appreciated. She feels like she's got a gun to her head-if she falls out with him over drinking etc will he do it again its so hard on her

PM'd you x

but in the meantime

Hi Trebuchet
Haven't posted before but wanted to say hi to you tonight because I know a little of where you are with this. I have lost one close relative to suicide and my dad also made more than one attempt.
I was lucky in that I never felt the anger you are experiencing and which I know is common. When people attempt suicide, I see it as them standing on an island created by their situation - you can see them, they may even be able to see you, but you cannot reach them. You can do your absolute best but you cannot always make it across to them, and that is neither their fault nor yours. As you have suggested, your dad is in that state where he feels that the world would be better without him - I read long ago an article from someone who had attempted suicide who described suicide as often being an act of distorted love, and all you can do is understand his love for all of you, and keep telling him that you are there and that you would prefer he were there too, no matter whether he has problems. If he's going through counselling it must be stirring up all sorts of things and moments of transition are hard to deal with.
I would also suggest you search on line as I know there are some good charities that can give you excellent advice and understanding - wish they'd been around when I went through this. I've found reading their sites valuable even now.
Take care of yourself, for although it sounds harsh, you have your own life to live and cannot help others unless you are well.
I'll be thinking of you.

Trebuchet,

thinking of you and your dad, and your mum and family. good things can happen - my mum got over appalling depression, had a long stay in hospital, but is now on great form, with a lovely GP monitoring her and enjoying life.

take care of yourself - WantedMore is right, you need to be OK to be able to support others.

Trebuchet - I am sorry sorry to hear that.

I have personal experience of this and my heart goes out to you all.

Thank you Wanted,Time4tea and Otchayaniye for your kind words. Tallwivglasses has given me some ideas about getting more help for him. Speaking to you all and feeling like I could just get ity all out is a big help xxxxx