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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

violent relationships

6 replies

PeppermintPasty · 03/12/2010 21:29

Can I ask what you think about a relationship which was very very "feisty" on both sides in its early days, (for feisty read pushing, shoving,(by the male) bashing on the head and face(by the female)). It culminated in the man drunkenly attacking his girlfriend, also drunk, leaving her with a bump on the head. She took him to court over it and I think they then split up for some time but a few years later got back together and remain together. They now have two children.

She has come to me saying they got in a row a few weeks ago and, in her own words, she goaded and goaded, and he snapped, pushed her up against a wall and put his hands round her throat for a minute or less. She was scared. He then left. They "sorted it out" and things are apparently back to normal.

Hmm why am I asking, and what am I asking?? It's been niggling me. Obviously this isn't right, he tried to strangle her!

Should I be encouraging her to leave or should I leave well alone?? FWIW they seem very happy to outsiders and close friends and they are both very lively and loud. What effect will all this have on the children-can I ask anyone with experience? Actually, it's really bothering me, am I making too big a thing of it? She assures me that there's been no violence on either side for years and they love each other etc etc. I don't think she would lie to me, I just think she needed to tell someone. Any ideas? Sorry to go on.

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Rhinestone · 03/12/2010 21:33

Oh for fucks sake, I've had enough today.

Why are you even asking if you should be encouraging her to leave him? Do you think this sounds like a safe, loving, nurturing relationship?

Would a whole bunch of women out there please get some fucking self respect and common sense.

PeppermintPasty · 03/12/2010 21:37

whoa!! okay you've had a bad day...but i'm not sure what i can do, plus i have no experience of exactly this type of thing. the woman in question is probably one of the strongest, if not the strongest woman i know, but she has come to me about this. don't get me wrong-i told her my views, i'm simply asking for other views, as i'm one person. that's it, really.

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Rhinestone · 03/12/2010 21:39

Sorry if that was harsh but read yoyr post back. ANd you honestly need advice on whether you should encourage her to leave someone who attempts to strangle her?

And I've not had a bad day, I've just read one too many threads on here today of women putting up with abusive behaviour towards them and their children.

PeppermintPasty · 03/12/2010 21:54

well maybe i didn't word it well-i have already told her that it will happen again if she stays, and then probably to the children one day, but she thinks i'm way off.-but she clearly wants to talk about it, so what else can i do here?? i suppose just "support" her -yada yada, but i don't really know what to say. i know for sure she won't go for counselling for example-without him i mean(or with him-doh not being very clear today)

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HerBeatitude · 03/12/2010 22:33

I suspect she has started to talk to you because deep down, she knows this is not right. She's not ready to leave. But she wants someone to tell her what she knows in her gut - that this is wrong.

This is damaging her chldren. Just because he has only once strangled her - that you know about - doesn't mean there isn't other violence going on. In fact, chances are, the reason she has spoken to you about this, is because she has at last got frightened - she was probably kidding herself before, that she "gives as good as she gets", "stands up to him" "volcano meets a tornado" or whatever that fucking stupid Eminem/ Rhianna lyric is etc. - all those DV myths. And now, this attack has been her wake up call and she needs to talk about it. Whatever you do, don't validate any propensity she has to gloss over this, pretend it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, etc.

What I would do for now, is get her some books. Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship (author name escapes me but someone else will know) are 2 that spring to mind. Also, what was her childhood like? If she's learned this behaviour from her upbringing, then I'd also recommend Susan Forward's Toxic Parents, because it will help her see why she thinks this relationship is normal and also make her see how dangerous this situation is for her children and the effect it will have on their future.

PeppermintPasty · 04/12/2010 08:39

thankyou HB, that's the sort of advice i was after.it will damage the children won't it, somehow. i've actually got the bancroft book so i'll find some way to do something with it!! i think there's something in this "give as good as you get" thing-i know they've both been violent towards each other in the past, and she sort of rolls her eyes about it as if everyone goes through it at first. thanks.

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