I wrote the most epic post about this, and realised I am giving my entire life story and don't want to do that. So let's see if I can summarise. I am a name-change due to the personal nature of this, but I am stuck as to what to do for the best and am wracked with guilt, and a bit of anger about what my heart and head are telling (conflicting).
My family is a bit screwed, thanks to an alcoholic father who left his family in a fucking mess while he drunk himself into a grave. my brother blamed my mother, their relationship was a love/hate one, she was there for him, he kicked her when she was down, she forgave him, he continued to use/abuse her, and finally, something happened which meant they cut ties. No-one would tell me what happened, i have some suspicions it was possibly violence related, but no proof other than the determination of my mother never to see him again. My mother developed terminal cancer and refused to contact him (no one knew where he was, so they claimed, later found to be untrue). She cut him out of her will, despite there not being very much in it, and gave me some personal things she wanted him to have before she died. I think she did not want him to have any of the little money she would leave.
Mum died without making up with him, resolute she could not help him and did not want to see him. My sister was insistent he was not to attend the funeral, then within 2 days of it, she had strangely found him through the police and contacted him to tell him that not only did he not get to say goodbye/make amends, but he missed the funeral too, a deliberate act on her part. She had promised me she would find him sensibly after everything had calmed down and instead she rubbed his face in it, then promised that we would all scatter her ashes together and did it without telling anyone, so his only chance to be involved was crushed (another thread though eh?). Then our dad died a few months later, and so all those anger issues for him, those people he loved and hated were gone.
My brother has had drink and drug problems all his life, never dealt with, and i suspect more now that I did when i was young that heroin was involved. He now has an alcohol problem specifically, not so much other drugs. Not surprisingly, he is now more fucked up than ever. He is in and out of my life, and currently when he is in it, it is via facebook where he runs hot and cold, tells me he misses me all the time (i suspect drunk at the time), and seems to succeed in making me feel guilty everytime I consider posting something good about my lovely family. Which he does not have.
I want to help him, but can't. I want him in my life, but not like this. I know I can't chose my family, but tbh he is all i have really, and he needs me. But I cannot bear him slagging off my mother or my sister (although I don't have her in my life any more). I cannot bear his promises to stay in touch or sort his drinking out and cannot bear to hear the damage that alcohol and drugs have done to him. He is killing himself and one big massive part of me says, why bring me down with you? FFS you have hardly been here, what the fuck can I do, i have my family to care for.
But. At work, a client of mine died last week. He drunk himself into the ground. And I did not think I was that upset by it. I was not too upset. It was not surprising, i could see it, even though he could not but it happened quicker than I ever thought it would. He was the same age as my brother or thereabouts.
My dad died alone. Sad, fucked up, alone. I am still not sure how I feel about that as I feel mostly angry that he died so close to my mother whose life he screwed up so badly. This man, he reminded me of that, as he was alone, a sad lonely mad who died for alcohol. And I do not want my brother to die like that. He has already told me he is scared it will happen to him.
So I have no choice but to be in his life. Some advice on how to do this without damaging my own family would be helpful. And not through support groups for him. I know he won't attend as we have been through this before, and I know through my job only he can do it.
Sigh, it was not meant to be long. Sorry.