don't think am in love with DH anymore.......

[ohballswhatamess]

Don't really know where to start, as the title says think I've realised that's am not "in love" with DH anymore BUT am not desperately unhappy. I AM more and more feel distant from DH but I really don't think he's aware of how I feel.
And not sure wtf am meant to do next........ Then where do I go from here? Do I just pretend everythings all ok and hope it works out, or do I have to face this? What about DS he's 10mo?? What about DS? what about DS?!!!!!!!!!!!!! and what about DH, he's a lovely lovely bloke but I just don't think I'm in love anymore........ Then what happens if we separate, where would I live, would I be totally skint if I was on my own, would I still be able to work pt?

Bit of background;
I had a short affair a couple of months ago but ended it as didn't want to loose what I have it didn't feel "right" (cos it really wasn't), at the time I thought this happened just because am a bit bored (Am 28 DH is he's 30 and have been with him since I was almost 17, been married for 4 years and have got 10mo ds and we don't get much time for eachother tho know this is a normal scenario, the not having time for eachother that is, not the affair) and and not because of a "serious problem" with our marriage and put it down as an extremely stupid mistake that was very risky, selfish and that would never do again.

However have been thinking a lot since then and have realised I was just burrying my head in the sand and of cxourse it means there was somethong seriously wrong with our marriage. I was shocked at how easy it was to have an affair, not logistically, but emotionally, I had no proper guilt, I knew it was wrong obviously, but it was like I was escaping from my "real life" and it wasn't really real. Its not like me at all, I've always been very intollerant of the idea infidelity in a marriage, a friends DH cheated on her last year and I was the first to say that she should leave him........ Have come to cconclusion that it musy have been so easy because I'm not in love with DH anymore.

DH is a great bloke, we've literally grown up together since meeting and we've built a lovely little life together. DH worked a house that he's worked his arse off to renovate into our perfect family home, we finally started a family and both adore DS and he's fairly good with him. But despite all his lovely qualties I just don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore, I don't really want to sleep with him and feel kind of stiffled when he tells me he loves me or that I'm beautiful etc think I love him as a friend and care about him but that's kind of it.

Please help me know what to do........ Don't even know how I would have a conversation with DH about all this.

Think you ave to have the conversation with your DH. How else will he know you're unhappy?

ohballs, I think loving someone is a choice, not a feeling. Some days I am 'in love' with DH, some days not. But I wake up every day thinking, this is the man I married, we have a life and children together. How can I make him happy today? What can I do for him? As WWIFN would say (maybe!), you are withdrawing from the relationship because you are not invested in it. You are not 'giving'. Personally I would say, suck it up, fake it till you make it, and love him because he is your husband, even if for no other reason, because he sounds like a decent man.

An affair does not always mean something is seriously wrong with a marriage- it might mean there is something wrong with you. That sounds harsh- maybe someone else will be along to put it better!

robber I have to say your set up sounds terribly 1940s. Love is a feeling not a choice! If op is not in love any more then why on earth should she stay in the relationship?

I think you won't really know what to do until you've done everything you can to remember/rekindle what you and your DH had in the early days. Get a babysitter, go out for a drink/meal/whatever you can afford. Try really hard to spend some quality time with him and you might see him differently.

Relationships do change enormously after a child - it's seldom fireworks and sparkles afterwards. If you're lucky, what you end up with is a solid, reliable, comfortable partnership - I'm making it sound boring but it's not, or at least it doesn't have to be. It's still very much love. But adapting to that change does take a bit of time - please don't rush anything.

hairyfairylights (love the name btw!), I know, I thought it might come across like that. But that's honestly what I think. Why should she stay in the relationship? Because she promised to. Because they have a child. Because it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with her husband. Because you can't just say 'I don't feel like it anymore' - or maybe you can, and that's one reason why marriage has such a poor success rate in this country.

It's not a popular view, means some days of sacrifice and plodding, but many more days of cherishing a rich and rewarding relationship with a good person.

I completely agree with Robberbutton.

It bloody well should be a popular view, especially where children are involved.

OP, you need to grow up. The grass ain't greener elsewhere and you will wreck your family for what?

I adore mine, he's my best friend and we still have a sex life that we're both happy with after 18 years but 'in love'? I have no idea, it's irrelevant.

When I say 'mine' I mean dh obviously!!

I second everything robberbutton said. Otherwise you're just chasing a feeling, and that becomes all about "what can he do for me?" - rather self-centred.

Be thankful the "in love" feeling has been there so long, and realise that since you've been happy together for years, it will be back. At the moment you're tired, still absorbed with the baby taking up all your time and energy, but the feeling will be back.

You do have to work at it, though. "Fake it till you make it" - that's great! Quite right.

I tend to agree with you robberbutton. Think too many people give up too easily, and expect the butterflies every day or it must be rubbish.

Love is a lot of things, and is different from the 'in love' heady days. In love is a chemical reaction and is meant to last approximately 2-3 years max, enough to create a tight bond with your mate and start a family, hoping the bond will ensure your dh will stick around to support the family.

After that time, the relationship will have a deeper basis to move forward. The expectation of violins and butterflies is not realistic.
But that comes back from time to time, you just have to put the work in.

I think you need to have a serious think about what you want out of life and what is best for your child. You seem very critical of your husband and tbh a bit like a silly girl who wants to be free.

If everyone separated as soon as they didn't feel they were in love anymore, there would be many more single people.

Our artificially inflated expectations of romance, which we've grown up with (think little girls dreaming of their weddings), leads us to believe it will fulfill all our needs.

Nothing wrong with a decent, companionable sort of relationship, when a different kind of love develops.

And alongside we need to develop ourselves - through friendships (appropriate!), work, reading, hobbies, volunteering, retreats. We need to fill our own lack, and not depend on another person to do that.

Your DH sounds like a good guy. What are you searching for that you don't have? Teenage lust and butterflies in your stomach? Not worth throwing away a marriage, a friendship, the father of your child for. But you know that.

"Because she promised to". I think that's, frankly, crazy. She made a promise once, but she is not actually bound by that promise for ever, especially if it makes her unhappy, or prevents her from feeling happy

"Because they have a child. " Staying together for the children rarely works. They grow up with a very skewed version of what a relationship is, if they grow up with parents pretending (or one parent pretending).

Hi ohballs I could have written your post a year or so back. I have struggled to work out why I stopped loving my DH and eventually realised I deeply resented the way he prioritised his work over me and the DC. He let me do everything at home and take responsibility for everything and everyone until I was worn out and had nothing left to give.

Does this ring any bells? Is he pulling his weight or are you running the show? Do you still treat him with respect? (Having an affair is the ultimate in disrespect)

Sorry to say for me it was too late to retrieve things and I have moved out, but it sounds like you still have a chance to fix things. Good luck!

ohball I can tell you what it is like from the other side as a husband whose wife had an affair and then decided she did not love me any more. She said many of the things you have said to me but never had the courage to say anything to my face initially, The cowards way she chose to say she did not love me was to leave a book lying around the bedroom titled ?I love you but am not in love with you? by Andrew Marshall . (This is an excellent book but it is meant for people who have not had affairs) I do not propose the leaving a book like this lying around is theway to good communication - if you want to say something say it don?t do it in this cowardly way.. My wife having told me after I remarked on the book that she did not love me informed there was and had never been no one else. However I then found the reason she was on her computer every night at every possible moment was she was discussing her 12 month long affair that had finished 4 months previously. I did try really hard to persuade her to try and make the marriage work but like you she was convinced if she had had an affair the marriage must be broke and she left to live on her own 3 months ago leaving me with the 3 teenage children. This has been the most awful time of my life and I would urge you to think very hard before bringing it all crashing down around your ears.

Do not play down the impact that you surprised yourself by having an affair ? my wife described her self as a pillar of the community who belive marriage was for ever. Affairs happen to good people and also importantly to people in good marriages. Do not assume because you had an affair that the marriage is terrible. Please before you do anything irreparable do read the excellent posts by whenwillIfeelnormal on this site normally when the title involves having an affair and also the book she recommends called ?Not just friends? by Shirley Glass. Please consider questioning your assumption that "and of course it means there was something seriously wrong with our marriage" and again "I ..have come to conclusion that it (the affair) must have been so easy because I'm not in love with DH anymore".

If you stick with these assumptions ? I fear there is only one conclusion that you must leave your husband but these assumptions do not have to be right. Please give it a chance!

Thanks for all the advice........ I really apprecciate it all.....

I HAVE been acting like a silly little girl that wants to escape
my grown up life and my gut tells me to stay and grow up and that if I work hard i can get back to "normal again"

But have a nagging feeling that says I don't deserve to keep my lovely life because I had an affair.....

Is it fair to keep this all from DH? - I suppose I think that keeping all this to myself is fairer on him as he doesn't have his life ruined
. And DS gets to have both mummy and daddy at home (something I've always thought was what my personal 'ideal' family situation would be..... Not nec saying that's right......)

To those of you who say "stay, work through it" do you really believe it'll be all alright in time??

Think I want someone to give me permission to stay living my nice life as opposed to ruining it all.......
or have I ruined it all already...?

I also kind of feel like staying is taking the easy way out somehow.......

My now ex, had a stupid one night stand 100 years ago. He didn't tell me but he did think like you that it meant that the relationship couldn't be that great otherwise he wouldn't have been susceptible. I think in his case that was to avoid taking responsibility for his actions and also the sense that if the situation was reversed he would never have forgiven me.

I would have forgiven him. I think there are worse things you can do to a person than a one-night stand. In fact, keeping quiet and gradually undermining the relationship (think teenager who's horrible to their boy/girlfriend so that they dump them) is far far worse. After I found out, we did 18 months with Relate when he appeared to take responsibility but nothing changed.

When I eventually realised that he didn't actually want to be with me (whatever he said) we separated. But the fallout has been horrendous. Having spent literally years trying to make things better (when I thought he was working at it too) I was emotionally exhausted when we separated.

I think that you owe it to your husband, your child and yourself to try to sort this mess out. You sound like you are trying to justify your behaviour and what you need to do is accept it. If you leave (which in your mind equals punishment) then you have been punished but you may still not have accepted your role. How will you feel when you child challenges you on why your marriage broke down? Or if he judges you? What does it teach him about making mistakes? Or responsibility? I am not, by the way, suggesting you involve him, but he will be affected by your decisions now and he is bound to ask when he gets older.

FWIW my ex did the 'I'm such a bad person' act but it was just that, an act. If he was such a bad person, he was bad and therefore what he'd done wasn't really his fault more just part of his nature that he couldn't help!

I think some sessions with a counsellor on you own exploring your own feelings around this could help. But I would recommend not leaving it too long, things buried don't go away, they fester.

Finally, how would you feel if it was your DH who was posting this?

Of course you're not "in love" with your H at the moment. You are seeing him as a victim, because you have managed to have an affair and deceive him and he is none the wiser.

I expect you have been brought up with a set of beliefs that for someone to have an affair, there must be something disastrously wrong with their marriage, despite the more obvious evidence in your situation. You married your childhood sweetheart, you've both worked hard to renovate a house with all the pressure that entails and then into the mix, there is the massive life change of having a baby who is not yet a year old.

You saw the chance for a bit of escapism from a life that suddenly seemed weighed down with responsibility and you took it. It doesn't sound as though you fell in love with your affair partner either, so for you this was about feeling entitled to a delicious bit of fun, far away from the pressures of being a sensible grown-up with a husband, baby and house.

However, it is interesting that instead of feeling enormous guilt for what you've done, you have chosen to blame your H and your marriage for it, convincing yourself that you aren't such a bad person after all and you "must have" had your reasons. Contrary to what you think, I imagine you're burying your head in the sand now whereas you were more accurate the first time in thinking you'd been a selfish arse who felt entitled to have an escapist affair.

So there is a third way here, which involves getting yourself off to a very challenging counsellor but not someone who will collude with your belief that there must have been problems (beyond a bit of boredom) in the marriage for you to have done this. Tell your H what has happened and be honest with him - you are denying him his choices in life by your dishonesty.

I suspect like many infidelities, this has got bugger all to do with your marriage and says more about you as an individual than anything else; your sense of entitlement, your selfishness/self-absorption and a dose of narcissistic traits thrown in too. And if you think I'm being harsh, let me say that I don't think you're a bad person, but you do need to get to the bottom of what it was about you that you gave yourself permission to do this and found it "easy".

And this is precisely what I would say - and have said - to a male poster in the same situation.

Look inwards here, not outwards.

I wouldn't tell DH, now that you have already decided to end it. It would cause huge upheaval for him. Just get on with a better, more thoughtful life.

Huge upheaval for the OP, more like....

I'm glad that secretskillrelationships has posted on this thread. She knows this better than anyone. As long as the OP is wielding power over her H by keeping this secret, it is doing nothing for his sexual allure and he is having his choices in life denied. I have never known a relationship get better and for the protagonists to fall in love again, when there is this power imbalance.

Sadly OP, your H has got "victim" written on his forehead every time you see him and inwardly, I suspect you are thinking he's a complete mug. Your respect for him won't come back all the while you are keeping this secret, but as I always advise, go to a counsellor to discuss disclosure before you do it.

There is one thing that stands out in your post - you have been with him since you were 16. This presumably means you did not have many relationships beforehand or have a chance to "play the field" at all. I would imagine that any half way decent counsellor would be exploring this aspect of your relationship.

I imagine you were attracted to the security aspect of the relationship and the fact that he is a great friend and would be a good father - 16 is very young to make a choice about a life partner.

"I just don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore, I don't really want to sleep with him and feel kind of stiffled when he tells me he loves me or that I'm beautiful etc think I love him as a friend and care about him but that's kind of it."

Your feelings are valid. Counselling? Broach subject of feelings to your partner so he has an idea of what is going on in your head?
From what you have written you have emotionally disengaged from the relationship. I think you are very young to be in a "friends only" marriage but there are certainly worse places to be so I guess it depends on what you and your parter want.

I'm not blaming my marriage or DH for this mess - I am the one to blame, I'm the one that made the decision to have an affair I'm just stuck as to know what to do next for the best......
Agree that shouldn't blame my marriage, which there's nothing really wrong with, but guess that's easier to do than blame myself isn't it but I AM the one with issues..........

I actually have had a lot of counselling in the past more to do with lack of self esteem and feelings that I don't deserve the nice things I have in life as opposed to feeling entitled to stuff including the 'but of fun' I got from my affair. So the affair wasn't about a sense of entitlement - I honestly couldn't believe the attention I was getting from the guy I was with, didn't understand what he saw in me but found myself enjoying it and the escape it gave me from my boring reality.........

Fwiw I've not wanted to sleep with dh since before I had the affair not because of it......... I'm also fairly sure I don't see him as a victim , tho I do think he doesn't deserve to have to deal with all this so maybe I do a bit I've not thought of it like that.......

I've tried very hard to think how I'd feel if it was dh who was in my shoes and if I'd want to know.......... I'm not even sure I'd be that upset, I can't imagine shouting and screaming at him and throwing him out I wouldn't be happy for him but I actually think I'd rather not know but maybe that's cos atm I feel emotionally drained and at this exact moment I just feel like I can't be arsed with dealing with the drama of it all..........

I think I am just going to do what my gut says and stay quiet, and "fake it till I make it"......... I might have to facve it all in time but I honestly do think I can work hard to get what we had back........... Maybe I'm delusional but I reckon I've decided my way forward....... And won't know till I try it I guess.

Obvs your not all going to agree with this, but I still appreciate all of your points of view as its helped me make some sense of it in my head.........

Sorry, but I think you are completely delusional if you think that you wouldn't be bothered if your DH had had an affair. I think you would feel extremely hurt and betrayed. It might not be a deal breaker for you but I really don't think you would be as indifferent as you suggest. At the moment though, it feels like you wouldn't be bothered because it would let you off the hook.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to wake up to the reality of the situation you are in.

And don't forget that is you choose to keep the affair a secret, your DH might find out at any point down the line. I found out years after it happened and the fact that he'd kept the secret did more damage to the relationship than the one night stand. Up until that point I would probably have been in the 'don't tell' camp.

FWIW I think that you are making absolutely the right decision to stay. Wishing you all the best, and here's hoping you re-ignite the spark with your DH.