FGS my sister's moved in with a prick

[stickersarecurrency]

I've just found out from my other sister that our lovely sister's being treated spectacularly badly by her boyfriend. I knew there were rumblings but have just had all the details.

She has, I think, had an on-off casual relationship with this guy for years, although for the last year she was living in a different city to him and travelling to see him at weekends. A few months ago she got a transfer to his home city and moved in with him.

It transpires he's still got another woman on the go, who has even been round to the flat with her mother and he hasn't introduced my sister to any of his friends beyond saying she's his flatmate. He's been going out with this other woman a couple of times a week, yet never goes out with my sister. And when they've discussed it he says he doesn't see the problem and blows up at her about it and basically won't enter into discussion about it. So he's let my poor sister move down there on the pretence of it being some sort of committment to move in together and yet he's still entertaining another girlfriend!

Other sister lives in the same city so she's told Dsis to pack her bags and go and stay with her for a while but Dsis isn't one for any sort of drama or confrontation so won't go. Some solace has been gained from this OW being a Muslim "so they're probably not sleeping together" but of course there's the STI question to be asked. She did give other sister the go ahead to talk to this twat about his behaviour, so she did so (by email I think) and he said he would "sort it" but apparently it just resulted in another argument.

The latest is that apparently Dsis is much happier because he and this other woman are "on a break" .

DP says stay out of it. I know if I go wading in Dsis will just break down into floods of tears. She's such a lovely, individual, free-thinking laid back person, but her confidence must be battered (not to mention a load of strife she's had with work since moving) and I can't believe she's letting this plank treat her like this. If I was closer and didn't have a baby at the moment I'd go round, rip off his balls and shove them down his throat.

Yes. Stay out of it. If your sister wants to make such a stupid choice, then there's nothing you can do.

Why do you think she is allowing herself to be treated this way? Is that something you could help her to work on?

Oh, I mean stay out of it as in don't tackle him btw, in case that wasn't clear

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. For whatever reason, your sister is lying down and asking him to wipe his feet on her. That is what needs to change and that is what you can try to help her with.

I know ... I never thought she'd be so bloody wet about it. I really hope there's not more to this than meets the eye. :(

It isn't clear if your sister knows this person has another girlfriend?

Oh yes, she certainly does :(

Tell her your worries, tell her you will be there for her if it all goes wrong, tell her she has choices and then leave her to her own choices.

Tell her you are worried about her, but it's her choice. Point out if she doesn't want confrontation, then she could take a day off work and moved into other Dsis's house while he's at work and just leave him a note explaining what she's done and why. And that maybe if this relationship is to work longterm, it might be best for her to get her own place (flat share if she can't afford to be on her own) and then date properly, including being his official girlfriend with his friends. If you can afford it, I'd offer to pay the deposit for a flat for her.

But make sure you are clear you are happy to listen to her whenever she wants to talk and if she wants to stay with him, you understand.

It sounds like in his mind she really is a flat-mate/friend with benefits. It also sounds as if he didn't intend her to take the idea of moving in to his flat being them 'moving in together' if you see what I mean. Although god knows how you live together with someone you're casually shagging and not have it misinterpreted unless very clearly spelt out first!

I think your sister needs to come to terms with the fact she hasn't actually moved in with this guy, unless he specifically confirms that that's his understanding of the relationship. (Although if they're sharing a bedroom surely that's not flat-mates?!)

All in all, I don't see any way this is going to come out well for her and she needs to find other accommodation as a starter for ten. She's an adult - no-one can make her make good choices. If your other dsis is going to wade in again I would suggest by phone or in person, btw. "I will sort it" can mean anything.

What a horrible situation for you all, I do hope she comes to her senses soon.

Has the thought occurred to anyone else that he is married to the "OW" and your unfortunate sister is the bit on the side?

Thanks. I'll try to keep my distance. It's hard because we're not terribly close.

I think it's unlikely they're married because she's met his friends and so on, and no mention of that as far as I know. In her shoes I'd make it clear to his friends that there was more going on than flatsharing though. I'm worried she's playing along with the flatmate role for fear of his reaction if she didn't though.

Op your poor dsis .She seems quite young.

I guess you just have to be there for her.
Id encourage her to "visit" you a lot , make sure she has a brilliant time when she does , lots of laughing , tell her how great she is.

MAKE HER ENJOY VISITING YOU MORE THAN BEING AT HOME WITH THE IDIOT.

But dont say anything against him. She will leave him quicker if your "neutral".
If she moans about him , just tell her you know she is hurting and you will be there for her .

Sorry to burst your bubble, my best friend is a Muslim, that doesn't stop her.

In fact I have tried (polite ways) to say what I think of her behaviour with married (some also Muslim) men. I have run out of polite and am at the stage where if she starts discussing one of them say 'you know my opinion don't tell me'.

The STI is a huge issue because if he is happily shagging your sister and this OW who knows how many more he is happy to sleep with?

Even if you cannot make her leave him at least really REALLY stress the importance of her sexual health and that this twat really is not going to give a shit about it.

LOL, Xales, I was going to say that, but less eloquently!