Squabbles over money - I hate spending it

[obsessedaboutmoney]

This isn't a major problem and it isn't going to make or break my relationship, but I'd be interested to hear others' opinions on it, and what they do when money crops up in this way.

I come from quite a poor family and had the value of money instilled in me from an early age - in fact, my Mum probably went too far in this regard. I remember being eight years old and being asked if I wanted to go to a magic show for Christmas and saying "no" because although I wanted to go more than anything else in the world, I was worried that Mum wouldn't be able to afford it (as it happens she could and we did go... but I was convinced we were on the breadline).

DH had a much more normal upbringing, although from my point of view he was quite spoiled. He never really wanted for much and isn't very good at managing money.

I control all our finances completely. I sort out the mortgage, the counsel tax, all the bills etc etc etc He is happy with this because he wouldn't be able to do it himself - or maybe he could, but it would take him a lot more effort than it takes me, as I find it quite easy.

When we argue though, it's about small things. He always wants to buy a CD, a DVD, go to a restaurant... it's never something that expensive, but it's just every single time we go out, and often it's not always something he wants all that much. There might be a two DVDs for £10 offer and he'll get really excited and want to buy them, and then they will sit on the shelf in their wrapper for ages.

I am especially worried about money right now as I am pregnant, we are having our first baby early next year. I am terrified of when we lose part of my income AND have to pay for baby stuff AND have to send her to nursery a couple of times a week. I think I am especially worried about nursery costs.

So I've been desperate trying to save money, knowing this is going to happen. We've saved enough to pay for about three month's worth of the mortgage, but I'd love it to be more.

It just drives me MAD when he wants to spend another £5 or £10 on some rubbish that we don't need. But I know I am a control freak, especially when it comes to money. I am known among my friends for being a bit tight and for being completely obsessed with money, so I think some of the time it is probably me in the wrong. Maybe I should just let him enjoy himself and try not to worry about. But it's very difficult because I almost never win arguments about money. When we argue it's because he has suggested spending money, I say I'd rather not, he sulks for ages and then I give in and we end up spending it, mainly because I can't stand him sulking.

Any thoughts? How unreasonable am I being? How do you resolve arguments about money? And what happens when neither you or your DP will budge?

Thanks for reading

TBH, if it´s only 5 or 10GBP that he is spending on stuff that you don´t need, perhaps you should let it go.

But maybe you need to show him,on paper how your finances will change & how the odd ten pounds can build up over time & perhaps he´d rather treat baby to an essential?

Ooh, difficult one. You aren't BU for planning for the future, but it sounds like you've got it a bit out of perspective. DP had a similar upbringing to you, and occasionally has a tight moment. We had to have words and he's got a lot better. He's actually reined me in a bit too which was probably a good thing. Frugality is fine, stinginess isn't.

It's really not an attractive trait to be known for being tight, so if I were you, I would try and loosen up a bit. And if you're always the last one to the bar, or the one who always cadges lifts to avoid spending your own money on petrol then sort that out too - your friends will be noticing, and it will be irritating them. I have a friend like that, she costs me a fortune as I always drive, pay for parking etc. I love her, but it is annoying.

Unless you're totally broke, it isn't unreasonable for your DH to buy the odd dvd or whatever. We're not talking designer clothes or lavish holidays. Why don't you allocate a certain amount of money for spends each month - say £20-30 or whatever you can afford which can be used for this kind of thing. And encourage him to use amazon, ebay or whatever so you get what you want for the cheapest amount. And re-sell whatever he doesn't use on ebay too..

OK first of all - when I'm pregnant I get super tight with money, spending terrifies me in case it leaves us short for the baby. I think it's my way of nesting :o (too lazy to nest by doing housework)

so some of your anxiety around money (although seemingly rational) could well be hormonal. (and you're not alone :))

I think yab a bit u about money.

First of all unless you are really skint a couple of 2 for a tenner CDs isn't something he should have to ask for.

Second, it is shit to be rowing over something like that. I'm nit absolving him of his sulking but the answer shouldn't always be no.

Third, he's acting like a child because that is his financial position in your partnership. Is he really that bad with money? ie would he run up debts and buy unnecessary big ticket items without discussion?

Whatever the answer to that question. Your budgets should be transparent to him. So when he asks about CD or dinner you can say "I'm not sure, can you check the spreadsheet (I bet you have one :o) and let me know?"

I'd say this is probably why you need each other - and that your children will therefore have a balanced view about money. Work hard for it and don't fritter it - but use it to have a comfortable and enjoyable life. Vive la difference!

How about compromising a little bit?
Continue managing the money and putting some aside for savings but perhaps cut back a little on the amount you are saving and that can be a 'monthly fun' amount that you have to spend. Then telll DH 'we have £X this month to spend on CDs and dinner out and anything else we fancy, but once its gone thats it' and let him budget for that part of the finances.
It'll give him some idea of the budgeting that you do but also give you both some money to have fun with without any arguments!

Great replies so far, thanks ladies, I really appreciate it. And snowpoint you'll be pleased to hear it's not quite as bad as that with my friends. I'm not tight with them, I will always buy rounds and so on... in fact, I don't think I'm tight at all when I'm with them because I don't want them to think I'm stingy, it's more that I'm stingy when with DH as it's only our money we're talking about then, we don't have to worry about friends' disapproval. Maybe I shouldn't have said that I'm "known for being tight" among them, perhaps I should have said "known for being obsessed with money".

Which doesn't make it any better, I admit

Thanks again for good answers so far

That's ok then

I'd go with fel1x's suggestion. That's what ended up happening with my DP - we set a weekend budget so we both felt happy with what's being spent. A nice meal out equals compromises elsewhere. It's finding the balance between being responsible and tight that's the tough thing.

Yes, good suggestion from fel1x

I agree with snowpoint, why not allocate a certain amount of money each week/month that can be spent on crap? That way you won't have to worry about extra nibbles being taken out of your budget.

BTW I can sympathise with your point of view to an extent. Money was quite tight when I was little and I am very careful with what I spend now. Meaningless spending on rubbish really really pisses me off as I know that every tenner than is thrown away on pointless DVDs can be saved towards something bigger and better.

Thankfully my DH feels the same way and it works out well for us. Neither of us is known as being stingy or tight, we just don't waste money at all. My sister who burns money like it's old rubbish is always shocked at what we can afford despite the fact that we don't have a huge income. What I've tried explaining to her again and again is that we're able to go to a luxury resort in Malaysia because the 250 quid she threw away spent on glasses went into our holiday fund.

I have friends where she is like this - and it's worst because she's the main breadwinner and sees it as him spending the money she's earned. It's not pleasant and when they moved to just having the joint account, they nearly divorced over 5 CDs he had to have.

You need to stop managing his spending, you will never relax until he acts like a grown up and that won't happen until you treat him like an equal.

So, I think you need 4 accounts in total. A joint account for bills, a current account for you and your DH each and a savings account. Sit down with him and work out what your outgoings are (maybe do a spreadsheet first and have it ready for him for this chat) and that money needs to be in the joint account each month, and this account can only be used for bills and food. That's it. (Make sure you factor transport costs into this, they are a bill too)

Divide what's left in 3, a third for each of you as 'spending money' and a third for the savings account. You then have no say over what he spends his spending money on - (this is the hard bit!) you don't comment on the number of CDs, DVDs or other crap that arrives, but you also make it clear you will come down on him like a tonne of bricks if he dips into the joint account or savings account for things you don't need.

Once you leave him to actually manage his own money, you might find you are pleasantly surprised.

I'd rather have nice glasses than a luxury resort in Malaysia.

Good glasses last for years and have a massive impact on your appearance. Luxury hotel = frittering :o

It's funny how differently people perceive these things.

My mum was telling me once about a woman we know and how insanely loaded she must be because she always flies her entire family 1st class to the US. To my mother this is unimaginable extravagance. But if I was only a little bit rich I'd consider that money well spent.

I'm pretty tight fisted, too, but maybe not to the extent that you are. My DH is the same as me though. We spend about two thirds of what we earn. HOWEVER we are both very relaxed about spending on luxuries if/when we do, becuase we have a savings account with an amount in it that is enough for us to be reassured by. Are you in a position to do similar?
One option is to decide a realistic target for savings - not how much you can put away each month (as if you are a true miser like me, it can be difficult to ever spend anythign if you do it that way!) - but instead how much would you want in a savings account to make you feel "safe". Maybe 2 or 3 months worth of essential household expenses - make sure it's a realistic goal though. Then, figure out how long you have to get there - e.g until your maternity pay drops too low, or until DH employment contract is up for renewal, or whatever...so you have a monthly amount you want to save. Once you put this amount away the rest absolutely CAN be spent on treats etc. Split it 50/50 and if you want to save yours up you can.
It is better to be careful with money than get into unmanageable debt, though true miserliness is no virtue (if you find yourself sitting reading by candlelight wearing fingerless gloves, having had gruel and tap water for dinner then you've definitely gone too far!).

True about the glasses Spidookly, although they were pretty ordinary plastic frames that she could have got for 60 quid but then they wouldn't have the designer label, would they? The issue isn't the glasses so much as the fact that she doesn't seem to understand the concept of saving. As far as she's concerned money is there to be spent and so if you have 250 quid then it's reasonable to buy a pair of 250 quid glasses, despite the fact that next month you might struggle with the rent or that in the summer you can't afford a caravan in the back arse of nowhere because you haven't saved anything.

I would agree on an allowance for him tbh - an amount that can genuinely be spared and DH can use that for whatever crap extras he wants.

Thanks for more comments everyone. I like the 'allowance' idea although I might have to find a way to present it as slightly less controlling than it sounds. I think I might be being unreasonable on the basis that we aren't in debt and have a decent amount of money, so in that sense we can afford it. But at the same time, things are going to be so much tighter next year with the baby.

I can see that I've created a rod for my own back by controlling the finances so much, as when DH suggests spending money and I don't like it, he doesn't really know what the true state of the finances is so for all he knows we could have loads to spare. Oh well.

Don't call it an allowance - just call it spending money.

You'll each be getting the same amount, so it's not you "giving" him money.