advice anyone? warning - long story!

[jenny85uk]

Hi

I dont post often on here at all but I've gotten to a point now were my friends have run out of things to say and now my head is mashed.

me and my husband have been together 8 years and married for 2 of them. We have 2 sons 3 and 6. He works full time and i'm enjoyin my last year as a stay at home mum.

Ever since we got together I have been paranoid that he was cheating on me or planning to and he always led me to believe that i was just paranoid and my confidence took a huge hit.

Last year I finally found out that he had set up various profiles on singles sites and had been flirting with anything in a skirt online.. i also found out that he had slept with at least 3 ppl since we had gotten together... I only found this out as one night after work i was feeling down and a work friend was showing me attention.. we ended up kissing.. i felt really guilty as that was the first time in our relationship i had even looked at another man.

Anyway i suppose i started becoming detective because if i could find out for sure my husband had done the dirty i wouldnt feel so guilty.. found more than i wanted and i admitted what i had done.

We went on holiday to try and patch things up and everything was hunky dory for about a month...

he decided our sex life was boring and wanted us to become swingers... something i was never interested and quite disgusted in to be honest as i viewed sex as something intimate two people in love did.. not a hobby as he seemed to see it.

He started on at me to get a job because he is a bit of a control freak and he came up with the idea of me being a cam model.. which i was not into as i didnt have the confidence.. I gave it a go and that was when my feelings towards my husband started to change..

I went back on the swingers website when i was bored one day and me and another man hit it off straight away...

I left my husband and went back to my family home with my children but he continued to beg and plead with me that things would be different..

I came home as the children were due to start a new school term.. but i was coming home as their mother not his wife..
He wouldnt let up and i said i'd give things a try..

its been 4 months now and i have met the other man a handful of times and talk to him almost every day. He makes me feel so happy and relaxed and i love spending time with him.

my husband got hold of my phone the other week and saw a text off someone i used to work with which he viewed as flirty and he grabbed me by the neck and tried to get me out of the house..

I dont want to be with my husband but if i tell him there is someone else he will 1 stop me from taking the kids and 2 i dont know how he would react physically... he has never been violent towards me before then.

Head mashed!!

Anyone anything to say? other than i deserve whatever i get.. i know im in the wrong but unfortunately i cant switch my feelings off or click my fingers and go back to not having spoken to him.

Thanks for reading

Jen

Why are you even asking?

Call Women's Aid who will advise you and make your preparations to leave (or t make him leave)

Sorry- quick answer, have to go out.

Take care.

Oh, and you do not deserve what you've got- don't ever try and justify behaviour of others by blaming yourself. You deserve a lot lot better.

Oh, he is absolute filth. What a horror :(

Don't feel guilty - just get rid. Womens Aid is the way to go. Inform your police DV unit so that the violence is documented.

Focus on your children - not your gross husband or this other man. Whilst this is not your fault you do need to put your family first. Putting sex and affairs above your kids is just wrong IMO.

Think you're getting a bit of a break from reality with this other chap rather than it being the romance of the century. Some time alone to get your self esteem and your problems sorted out would no doubt do you good.

Good luck though - make today the first day of getting your life back!

If you want to leave him then just leave. you don't need to mention other man. do you want to leave and take the children or do you want him to move out?

secondly, don't place all your faith in this other man. you have met him on a swingers site so at the very least he too is going to want to be a part of that "scene" which you have said is not your thing. you have had a difficult past couple of years and i think for your own sanity you should take some time away from men and just get your head straight before entering into anything else.

Thanks to those of you who have responded... just to confirm although we met on a swinging site we havent actually slept together.. we have met up and chatted and had the odd kiss n cuddle..

i know what your saying about not bein involved with anyone for the moment and for the sake of my sanity and my kids happiness i will gladly distance myself from him until the time is right..

the mortgage and deeds are in my husbands name. i want the kids with me but i dont think i can ask him to move out now that he is the worlds best husband.. affectionate, loving, attentive..mr perfect to anyone else .. ive just fallen out of love with him after everything

i think that his controlling behaviour, coersion into a sexual relationship that you are uncomfortable with and then subsequent violance makes him far from a perfect husband.

If you wish to leave then you have every right in the world. Your relationship is far from stable given the behaviour of both of you. he is a vile pig but obviously that doesn't excuse the fact that you are having an affair.

do you have funds with which you can find your own place?

What is a cam model?

No matter if you slept with half the street your husband has no right to grab you by the neck and be violent to you.

no of course it doesn't. There is never any excuse for violance.

I was merely pointingout that the relationship as a whole is far from workable so OP is absolutely not doing anything wrong in wanting out.

Hi, no i dont currently have any money as the money i made from being a cam model (someone who performs on a webcam for men ((not something i am proud of) but wanted to be honest in my post as i feel that could have been when i started to feel more resentment towards my husband for asking me t do it)) he took and paid in lump sums on the mortgage.. he gives me the credit card to do the shopping with but other than that i have no money.

I have spoken with my sister this morning and told her everything.. she is very against the OM but agrees with me that if i want out i should get out.

I am thinking of getting through xmas for the kids and then reassessing in the new year.. i dont want to have to take the kids out of their school but my family live the other end of the city and i dont drive.

QueenG - my post wasn't in response to yours in case you were wondering .

H phoned me before and i really couldnt be bothered to even speak to him n he got all angry and then just the sound of his voice began to wind me up.. so he has made the decision for me.. get through xmas for the kids n then thats it... lets see how long it lasts this time... i will not cave this time!!