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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please tell me I'm not a bad person

5 replies

mushroom · 25/08/2003 09:06

Hi everyone, I desperately need advice about a tricky situation. I've been with dp for 6 years and we have a nearly 4 year old. Years and years ago (when I was single) I briefly dated a man whom I'd known for years. Although I was extremely attracted to him, nothing came of it and I was the one to say no to any more dates because I just didn't feel we'd 'clicked'. Over the past couple of years, I've reguarly seen this man out and about while with friends (I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody else and go to the same pubs.)

The problem is that whenever I see this man, I feel extremely attracted to him, and what makes it worse is that while chatting, he's told me that he still thinks alot of me and would love to go out again. He's a very outgoing sort of person and has the gift of the gab and basically makes me feel very flattered. I've told him that I'm with someone and although I'm flattered that he's asked me out, I'm now in a situation where its not possible. Anyway, this happened on Saturday night, and it left me feeling quite upset that I am actually attracted to him.

Don't get me wrong - I'm a very loyal person and do appreciate and love my dp. He is a perfect partner and father in many ways and loves me dearly and I love him. I don't feel any 'love' for this other man, as to be honest, he's quite an arrogant person, but think its purely a physical attraction. I have enough sense to know I have too much to lose to do anything about this and know in myself that I wouldn't. I guess I just need reassurance that to fancy someone else quite alot is normal when you're supposed to love your partner dearly. I also think that I'm flattered because deep down, I know this other man wanted to continue dating me in the first place, and years with a post child figure he still fancies me! Please could somebody help put my mind at rest and tell me I'm not a bad person.

OP posts:
Janstar · 25/08/2003 09:54

Mushroom, I don't think you're a person at all. You can't help having these feelings, it's what you do about it that counts. It has never happened to me, but friends tell me it has to them and one of these days I guess it will happen to most of us. I guess it is a bit of a test of your integrity.

If you say and do absolutely nothing about it, just give it time and do not flirt with or encourage this man, in time the feelings should go away. If you have done nothing behind your dp's back that you would not do in front of him, how can you be in the wrong?

Janstar · 25/08/2003 09:55

Sorry, I do think you're a person! I meant I don't think you're a bad person....doh!

doormat · 25/08/2003 10:02

Mushroom I dont think you are a bad person.
I think it is nice to still get chatted up once in awhile especially after having kids with as you say post natal figures, stretchies, piles etc LOL
It is a real confidence booster.

mushroom · 25/08/2003 10:25

Thank you janstar and doormat. Next time I go out, I'm going to avoid this man; its quite a shame really because years back (we went to school together) we got on very well as friends. It was just as we got older and went on a date that it became obvious that we fancied each other and obviously thats where the situation has become difficult. I know he really fancies me (for example on Saturday night when he went to give me a peck on the cheek to say goodbye it was obvious he wanted more) and that is now making me feel very uncomfortable especially as I do fancy him. I know I haven't done anything wrong but perhaps I'll have to be extremely tactless and tell him in no uncertain terms that its not on. I just feel guilty because I obviously can't tell dp about these feelings and know I'd be gutted if I found out that he fancied someone else.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 25/08/2003 13:29

But hey, take it as a compliment too. I know what you mean - I was dead flattered when someone I wouldn't dream of dating chatted me up a while back. Nothing like knowing that the post-natal body still has the capacity to attract...!

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