Ending It Eloquently?

[missdragonfly]

So, how to end a relationship maturely, considerately, eloquently and with minimal drama?

No good reason ...well a few but none that he'll agree with!

So, will 'it's over' suffice? He's not a big talker and I feel as though he's 'not that into me'.

Is dissection and analysis always necessary? I think it'd be more easy kind to avoid this route.

I think that if you really want to do it considerately, let him take the lead in how much 'dissection' happens.

I think it's fine to say "I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. I am calling it a day" or whatever feels natural to you.

If he says "ok oh" then, yep, go ahead with the full stop.

But if he pushes you for a reason, then I think he deserves one. Be kind obv, but some people need to know why. Plus it may help guide him towards more success with his next relationship.

Oooh, yes, good advice from SlightlyJaded. And be ready for promises to change and show you he really is into you: a short: 'I'm afraid it's irretrievably soured our relationship for me now' will avoid weeks of trying to let him down gently and explaining why his efforts to be loving just won't cut it.

Thank you.

This is what usually happens ...he convinces me I'm being ridiculous, to give him a chance.

He's very, very logical in thought and can overthrow any emotion based issues with ease I usually have to concede that he's right - but that doesn't mean I'm wrong?

This is why I'd prefer to avoid discussion. It feels a little too much like a battle of wills and I will renege on my decision, because I do like and possibly love him ...but there's something missing. i.e. whatever he says, I don't feel that he feels the same.

I have much invested emotionally in this but I'm not convinced that it's reciprocated and that does make me uneasy enough to want out...

See if you give him an open statement lie "I love you but I don't really feel that you love me," then you give him an easy way to say "I do love you - just let me prove it," which you can't argue with.

So you need to give him a reason that he can't argue with. Try writing some down and see how they come across. Try to imagine how you would respond if he were to say them to you.

If all else fails - lie! Or be really cold and bitchy - "I really don't want to be with you any more - now f* off!"

You don't need to justify your decision. "I don't want to be with you anymore." is enough.

You don't need his agreement, understanding - permission! to end this if it's not working for you.

My autistic logical ex was totally stunned when a friend of ours finished her relationship because her DP "Didn't love her enough". He couldn't stop going about it, outraged - he really had no idea that "enough love" can't be calibrated like "enough petrol"

So I wouldn't recommend that line to you. How about "I've seriously considered this matter, and I'm afraid we're incompatible," or even "I'm too emotional/sensitive/moody/insane to live with somebody as rational as you. I know you'll understand. Let's split amicably."
I've somehow got the idea he'll be afraid of seeming to fail? If so, then selflessly hand him his pride; doesn't cost you anything.

Good luck!

How long have you been together??

Long enough to feel sad allgone.

It's not that I wanted to break up but things just weren't quite right.

I did it, absolutely pleasantly.

He said he couldn't cope with my past anyway and left shortly after.

Suppose I wasn't wrong then

Still, I'm sad. We used to be friends, before...

Thanks for all of the advice. I know it was the right thing to do and no doubt everything will feel brighter soon.

...although, thinking about it, we've got to similar points before and within a week or two it's back on.

He says something like that, so I end up asking for an explanation and following discussion I feel like a bit of a twat and as though I should be grateful to have him because I'm 'damaged' and he's strong and normal and right...

Fuck.

Note to self:

He dislikes all of my friends and wont socialise with them ...or will but as if under duress and is rude and unsociable.

He has been onto my farcebook account and deleted friend requests from men more than once.

He disappears and ignores me for up to a week if I say something he considers 'out of line'. If I try to call, he blanks me for longer.

He will open his email account on my laptop whilst sitting shoulder to shoulder with me in bed but if I look at the screen, he turns it away from me, has a go at me, tells me I'm out of order, wrong, paranoid and walks out.

If I open anything in front of him, he feels free to query anything he sees.

He calls me every name under the sun (and a plethora of original ones) but he's only joking. If I call him a name in retaliation the same 'joking' manner, he walks out (I know because I tried it recently!). He says it's different if I do it, he says that he doesn't mean it (but I do?!).

He has said women should always be prepared to have sex with their partner, then denied he meant it. He does that a lot.

He calls me names in front of the very few of his friends he's introduced me to but humorously. They ask how I put up with him.

He often asks who's calling or texting me but I'm not allowed to ask him because if I do, it means I don't trust him. When he does, he always has a 'valid' reason.

In fact, I'm not actually able (allowed) to have a normal conversation with him at all because I can't ask him anything without having an ulterior motive - according to him.

(I had trust issues when we met. It feels as if he wants me to continue having them. He keeps telling me I have issues, problems, damage.)

He wanted (and had) keys to my house when we had to live apart but I wasn't allowed keys to his.

He said he'd leave me if I became overweight or cut my hair (I might not fancy you any more). I used to laugh, thought he was being intentionally ludicrous.

I had my hair cut last week.

When we got together, there were a few other men who were 'sniffing around'. I don't think he ever wanted me, not really.

Territorial Pissing.

you sound like you are well rid of him. Good for you for ending it, now stay strong!!

What an absolute fucking knob jockey!!! You are well shot of him. He sounds VILE, and reminds me of a few men I have known. Trust me, don't dig that sim card out of the bin.

Sounds like you are right to get rid of him.

Good luck!

I think so.

To the original posters, thanks for your advice. I hadn't intended to drip feed info, it's more a case of seeing the light!

He had me nearly convinced that I was awkward, neurotic and wrong but lucky ...and that if I felt things were a bit lacking in the care and consideration front, I was imagining it ...but needy. He always had a 'valid' reason for letting me down, therefore I was wrong to ever feel let down

Sorry for going on. I think I need to see this down in black and white and for (near) future reference.

Goodness Misdragonfly, I think you should open the champagne and celebrate a lucky escape from a complete twunt.

God, he sounds like an arse! Well done.

I sympathise with the 'missing' feeling. I found it very much helps to remember you're actually missing your hopes and dreams: the relationship you wished you had, not the enervating reality. Good idea to write your notes to self - once I'd started mine, I didn't stop for days! It still hurts, but now you know it's worth a period of natural grief ...

Congratulations! Enjoy a Christmas free from second-guessing & eggshells

Oh, I meant to tell you that something you wrote gave me what I needed to wrap up a residual little self-doubt from the logical ex. When I told him I wanted to feel "cherished" and to feel we were batting on the same side, he interpreted that to mean I'm needy, insecure, and expect too much from a relationship. Absolute bollocks, of course: what I wanted was an actual partnership with someone who gives a shit! But it took your post to lock that down for me.
Thank you

Isn't mumsnet great?!

Thank you Grace, it's good to feel understood!

Cont. notes to self

He asked me many and varied questions about my ex's and my time with them and I answered fully and honestly. Saw no reason not to!

...but if I asked him anything about his, I was out of line. Nosey. 'None of your business, it's nothing to do with you'.

I'm swinging between brief sadness, then macabre bemusement then shame then Grrrrrrr!

Jotting here is really helping to sort the reality from the shit he fed me, about me!!

"He has been onto my farcebook account and deleted friend requests from men more than once."

Despite this, when I looked at his ...I had broken his trust irretrievably WTF?!

Cue, The Silent Treatment. Again.

Honestly, missdragonfly, I don't know why you dropped him. He sounds like a peach.

OP well done for making a great decision for you!!!!!
He sounds like it was his mission to belittle you to try and make him feel good in some sick way, he clearly wants a little woman he can control and rule with his moods, what a wanker.
Have a glass of wine, get your best happy tunes on a dance like a loon. xx

Oh, he was! Once. Briefly.

...just enough to lead me to believe he had it in him to be a good 'un.

Sorry, that was to AW.

Thanks FB, I think you've hit the nail right on the head!

He sounds like the bloke i had been seeing!!
Youre not in Surrey are you??