I have tried to distance myself from my dad - but he still upsets me. Long.

[SPARKLER1]

I have never had a close relationship with my dad. He was never around much when I was a kid. He was violent to my mum too. They divorced when I was 16. I never really saw a lot of him after that but always made the effort to phone him, buy him xmas/birthday cards/presents because I felt I should as he was my dad. It would break my heart to stand in the card shops trying to find a card that didn't say "to the best dad in the world" etc.
I suffered with PND when dd2 was born 3 years ago and the depression continued for long after. I am just coming off the ADs now. I had counselling this year which helped me to realise that although he is my dad I don't owe him anything. So I decided back in June and July not to send him a father's day card or birthday card or present.
He phoned me a couple of days after his birthday to sarcastically say thankyou for my presents and then he put the phone down on me. I called him back but his wife told me that he had gone out. I told her to tell him that if he wants to know why I haven't bothered to get him to call me and I will talk to him to explain everything. I never heard back.
Yesterday it was my birthday and, I have no idea why, but I was watching all day to see if a birthday card would come through the post from him to me and it never. It really hurt.
Sorry to ramble on but it's helped me already just typing this out.

Hello Sparkler1
I am sorry that you have such a difficult relationship with your Dad. It sounds painful. I don't know if it's any help to hear that someone else here also has a difficult relationship with her dad - I do. I started psychotherapy a year ago and it has helped loads - sounds like your counselling has too. My dh is a big support, but is difficult to explain how I am so angry with him but I love him all in one big conflicting bundle.
I think you are massively courageous to want to speak to him directly about it. I'm not there yet and am just avoiding seeing him.
It is hugely sad to have this kind of relationship with your Dad, but perhaps their might be some different relationship with him if you speak to him and get it out there?
Must feed the little one but will check back later.
x

am angry and love my Dad, not dh! Just love him tons!

There's obviously more of us out there than we think. My parents got divorced when i was 8, and me and my sister used to see him at weekends. Then it was every other week, then once a month etc etc....and over about 8 years, it got less and less.

Before i got pregnant, i'd lived with dp for 2 years, and he'd been to my house twice, and never phoned. I got fed up of making the effort, so stopped phoning him. Which meant i didn't see or speak to him for about 6 months. Me getting pregnant seem to spur him on. We had a little 'chat', and cleared the air. I still didn't see him, but he phoned me once a month to check on me. When ds was born 3 months ago, he made the effort and came over the day i got back from hospital

Anyway, about a month ago he had a heart attack, so i've now decided that although he was a waste of space for about 10 years of my life, he's still my dad, and i want him to be a part of ds's life

I think a letter to your dad might be a good idea, because although you know why you decided not to send him a birthday present, he doesn't. You might think that he should be able to guess, but maybe he can't, and it probably hurt him that you didn't contact him on his birthday because he doesn't know why you've cut him off. You're right that you don't owe him anything, and feeling the way you feel you're probably right to want him out of your life, but I don't think you'll get "closure" (for want of a better word) until you've told him all of the things you need to say.

Thanks for listening to my ramble. My emotions are so mixed up. I know in the ideal world I should go to him and talk things through. The other half of me feels or knows that he probably really doesn't give a sh*t about me. So much has happened in the past to make me feel this way. I guess I keep thinking about how I would be in his shoes by looking at my own children. I could never do to them what he has done.

Sparkler1

Do you now feel any anger towards him for what he has done in your past?. It sounds like in some ways you have tried in your own mind to justify his (frankly awful) behaviour towards you - looking for a card that says "to the best dad etc" when he clearly was not. Its typical behaviour for a child on the receiving end of "toxic parent" type behaviours.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susuan Forward as it may help you find a way forward now as an adult. You poor thing, you're still looking for acknowledgement from this man even now.

Do not blame yourself for what has happened, you are in no way to blame for his behaviours.

Thing is I always tried to find a card that didn't say any of the good stuff. Guess part of me was hanging on to see if he would send a card to me. He didn't and I'm not sure if that's made me find it easier to move on without him or not.

sometimes you just have to let them go.

a mumsnetter posted the other day that she had been to a parenting course and a sark realisation hit her " she is the most important person in her childs life"

i realised this quite early on - the power we have as parents.

however i dont think a lot of people do. parents are just people - they are not the special beings we build them up to be. they dont usually live up to an image we have built over years. and its easy to romantisise a relationship with them.

the truth is this relationship is like any other. it needs give and take. i think that an older generation of parents feel ( probably from their parents) that being a parent is akin to being a mini god. - you must come to them at all costs, they are always right , and even if they dont try - you are expected to.

thing is - if they arnt bothered with knowing me as an adult or knowing my children - then fck 'em. you can only try, and visit, and phone and advise ( descretly ofcourse) so much beofre you start to think - hold on - i think this unconditional love shit - really isnt unconditional after all - and i realise that because i am a grown up.

its a useful lesson for you as a parent to realise that whilst your children are small you are god. and the power you have is emmense - however one day they will grow up and if you have abused that power you will probably be almightily screwed.

Thanks Custardo. You are totally and utterly right. Are you my counsellor??? That is pretty much exactly what she told me. You are so so right. [smile.