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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

7 months preg. OH just started an affair

50 replies

RoxyLady · 01/12/2010 12:40

Just checked my others half phone as he has been acting strangly. Hehas just started an affair with a girl at work.
They kissed two days ago. I feel sick.
He is in the room next door. What should I do?

OP posts:

lia66 · 01/12/2010 15:17

completely agree hecate

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/12/2010 15:33

Gawd, I see women on here havn;'t evolved since the fifties.

Totally missing the point LL The man has a brain, he can use it and is in control of his own destiny. FFS.

You simply must speak to your dh op. What is hard here? Is it the fear of what he will tell you? I know it sucks, especially being pregnant. But you will feel worse if you say nothing and he disappears out. Act fast.

strumpet82 · 01/12/2010 15:34

You HAVE to talk to him, you're about to have his baby!!! Imagine going into labour and wondering about where he is instead of the fact you're about to give birth.

You owe it to yourself and your child to sort this out first.

Squeeze for you x

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 01/12/2010 15:34

Not all the women on here, naturally

That dinosaur attitude shocks me, why do you expect more from women LL?

strumpet82 · 01/12/2010 15:38

agree with lia66..."wanker of the first order".

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 15:45

LatteLady...your advice, and your attitude to relationships, sucks

lia66 · 01/12/2010 15:45

I have 5 dc's, 2 from xp and 3 from dh, we are expecting#6 in the new year.

I got pregnant, (planned) with our first, (my 3rd) dc when we had only been together 6 mths, I suffered very badly during early pg which progressed into bad antenatal depression, dh didn't understand and instead of pulling togther we pushed each other away, me doing most of the pushing if I'm honest.

During this time when I was about 7 mths gone, he stayed over and about 2am in the morning his phone bleeped, Yes I opened the text and read

" am in Chicagos, feeling very young, wish you were here" from his pa

Obviously I checked further to reveal what I believe was an affair, no outright comments but enough iykwim. Text messages starting at 7am and lasting all day until about 2am regularly.

I stayed up all night fuming but not brave enough to say anything, I deleted the latest text,

I never said anything to dh at the time and we got married 3 yeays later, but I have to say it has eaten away at me for all of this time and to this day I still will never forgive him for it.

What I did do, was reassess my situation, and take back control, I gave him no opportunity to be away from me, involved him in every way with the baby and pushed her out by going to his office regularly with my newborn baby and taking him to lunch etc.

I mentioned it about 2 yrs later in a round about way so that he knew, he didn't say anything so I knew I had been right.

I wish I had said something at the time, i wouldn't have wasted all these years toturing myself about what, where, when etc

You are number 1 in his life, he has comitted to you and he owes you an explanation, do not be afraid of his reaction. Be braver than I was. Good luck

ChippingIn · 01/12/2010 15:45

Roxy - have you spoken to him?

If not, what I would do is pack a bag of things for him, hand him his car keys and his phone - ay 'I know, please leave'.

Try not to cry... see what he does/says...

DO NOT contact the other woman, it does not matter what her part in it is. HE is married to you.

ChippingIn · 01/12/2010 15:46

(well, not married, but in a relationship & having a baby with you).

LisasCat · 01/12/2010 15:58

I wasn't suggesting you confront her as in 'it's all her fault', but rather as something that might be easier than confronting him. She would then have a go at him, because she ended up in an awkward situation with you. He would then have 2 women angry at him - one saying it outright (her) and one playing her cards close to her chest (you). Which one do you think would terrify him more?

I hope no one interpreted it is as I was saying you should have a go at her because she's the one in the wrong! Not what I meant at all. He's the creep. But I just think that behaving in unpredictable ways will scare him more, and right now he deserves to be terrified.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 16:11

It's a sad situation if you have to "terrify" your OH into facing up to his bad behaviour.

DairyleaAndPickleOnAStick · 01/12/2010 16:12

I agree with you LisaCat, nothing like a sharp dose of reality to take the edge of their sordid little "romance"

OP stay strong and take some time to think about what you want for you and your baby.

LisasCat · 01/12/2010 16:14

Oh no, he should face up to it whatever.

But for being a twat he deserves a bit of terror injected into his daily life.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/12/2010 16:15

Good lord what bizarre advice - do you ladies live in a soap opera?

Roxy - just go and talk to him, all you need to do is say 'I have seen your phone'. Then remain silent and let him be the one to struggle for words.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 16:18

There are some men that would get a kick out of two women fighting over him like some sort of booby prize

what a fucking ego-trip for him

I wouldn't give the twat the satisfaction

OW should be treated with the disdain she deserves and ignored as inconsequential

OP's problem is with her OH and the only only "terror" he should be feeling is that he is about to get his arse well and truly dumped

DairyleaAndPickleOnAStick · 01/12/2010 16:26

I don't mean to be flippant or melodramatic, and apologies if it comes across as such, but ime pointing out the consequences is often enough to nip this kind of behaviour in the bud.

Unfortunately people like the OH and OW are not thinking of the consequences their selfish actions will have on the OP and her child

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/12/2010 16:47

I suppose I am a bit astonished OP that you are fearful of confronting him with this and I wonder what that says about this relationship and the role you have carved for yourself?

I cannot imagine living life in a climate of smoke and mirrors and infidelity "known" about, but not acknowledged. I also can't imagine why I would want to speak to the OW and not the man whose fidelity was promised. Whilst I have never subscribed to the notion that a stranger owes us nothing, your shared gender has got nothing to do with it.

Speak to him, or confront why you cannot.

ChippingIn · 01/12/2010 18:47

WWIFN - I thought you would understand :( She doesn't want to confront him, because until she does, she has some hope it's not what it looks like - the minute she confronts him her life changes.... yes, we know it already has, but that's not how it feels at the time is it :(

Anyway, her last post was 4 hours ago - so she probably has by now :(

CakeCuresAll · 01/12/2010 19:21

Roxy - I hope you're doing ok whatever you've decided to do.

Take care of yourself.

littleshinyone · 01/12/2010 19:25

Hi Roxy. Hope you're ok.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 20:05

how are things, Op ?

TmiEdward · 01/12/2010 21:55

Hope you are ok Roxy.
Remember to look after yourself and your baby.

Sarsaparilllla · 02/12/2010 10:07

I think you should just go show him exactly what's on his phone and wait for him to explain.

I'm quite surprised by some of the
archaic responses about placing the blame on the other woman for leading him astray like he hasn't a brain in his head.

He's a grown man and capable of making his own (clearly wrong) desicions and he's the one who needs to put this right.

And personally, a kiss for me and then texting aftewards would be a total betrayal, I hope you can get this fixed.

toastandmarmiterocks · 02/12/2010 20:14

Roxy I hope you are ok. Did you manage to speak to him? I hope so. Try not to do anything rash, packing his bags and demanding he leaves is pretty extreme. You need to find out the truth, then you can begin to deal with it. If he does want to be with you and the baby and you still want him then hopefully you can work through it, but it will take time. The most important thing is that little bubba in your tum. You need to keep as calm as possible, concentrate your energies on bringing a new life into the world. DH needs to pull himself together and stop being such an immature twt, OW can go fck herself.

NanaNina · 02/12/2010 22:38

Hi Roxy - feeling for you - are you able to say what is stopping you from telling your H what you have found. Is he the dominant partner - are you afraid that he will be angry that you checked his phone. I think people on here are trying to help but some of the suggestions are not taking account of the fact that you can't (or won't) tell your H what you have found out, so you are hardly likely to do some of the things suggested.

It doesn't matter why you can't tell him, but it might help to tell us why (no matter how it sounds) we will acept what you say and how you feel, and continue to support you.

Take good care of yourself and your little unborn baby.

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