I have been seeing a guy for 1.5 months. He still doesn't know I'm divorcing...

[Banks]

I know, I know-- I've really messed this one up, haven't I? I guess I didn't want to tell him right up front as I was instantly in lust with him and really wanted to at least have some amazing sex with him (mission accomplished on that front).

But now it's been a few weeks and we're starting to act like a couple and I feel like utter crap that I've kept this from him for so long. :( Is there anything I can do to make the telling a bit softer? How should I bring it up? What should I say? Should I mostly just let him ask questions or should I just give him a bit of a speech?

Ugh, I hate this and I realize that I suck. :(

Wow, that's a tough ne. I've been seeing a guy for a few weeks longer than that and tbh if he suddenly came out and told me now he was in the middle of a divorce, that would be it for me. A dealbreaker. Not because of the divorce, but because you hadn't been open about it. And to say you didn't disclose it because you wanted sex first? Yuck. You clearly have no respect for him, so why should he now show you any?

I actually do have an immense amount of respect for him. I think that the sex thing comes first for me and then love. I'm sorta a guy that way, I'm discovering. Now that I'm in love with him I do feel like total shit, yes.

Would there be anything your guy could hypothetically say to you that would not make you run away?

Nope. I have far too much respect for myself to stay with someone who had misled me that way.
Your approach and attitude to relationships seems off tbh. You cannot love someone after 6 weeks.

Oh FFS, you have been seeing his guy for a paltry 6 weeks! That's nothing!

If you now think this relationship has legs, and your OP says that you are now starting to act as a couple, then it's clear that to bring this up before now was not particularly relevant.

As you are developing feelings for this guy, now is the time to sit him down and say.

I've known you for a while, we are really getting on and I'm developing feelings for you. I do however need to tell you something.

then tell him you are currently going through a divorce, that you have been separated for X amount of time and you thought it was time this new chap knew. Tell him that perhaps you should have said something sooner, but there didn't seem to be a right time, it wasn't something that would just pop up in conversation, and you wanted to be more sure about things as they are developing before bringing him up to date.

Tis no big deal.

Oh, and if it IS a big deal to this bloke, THAT is a RED FLAG....

You do not suck, not in anyway at all.

Just be honest, the next time you see him bite the bullet. Tell him the situation regarding your divorce and tell him that you didn't tell him straight away because you made a wrong judgement call and didn't know how to raise the subject when you first started seeing each other. Don't mention that you wanted to bed him first!

I actually don't think it is as bad as you think, lots of people hold back at the beginning of a relationship.

Good luck!

I don't think that there's a set gestation period for love. I think it's something that just creeps up on you and can happen at almost any time.

Now that I think about it, however, I bet I've just sabotaged myself on purpose (albeit subconsciously). I don't want to get hurt again so I threw up a dumb roadblock that I KNEW would be a problem.

I just hope that he won't be terribly rigid about it...

LittleMissHoHoHoFit, Thank you so much! That is all very good advice and makes me feel a bit better. I've turned that line of reasoning around in my mind as well-- that I certainly don't know all of his secrets so hopefully he can understand me not having told him this one. I really hope you're right and that he doesn't freak out. I sorta feel like he won't on some levels, but on others I'm convinced he will! I have to tell him soon or I'll go mad myself.

Do you think it'd be ok to tell him tomorrow? The only trick to that is that we're not getting together until late and he has to wake up early in the morning... I sorta feel like that wouldn't be the ideal time and that it'd be better to wait until Friday...

mjinsparklystockings,

The divorce was filed in the end of August. We have been living separately since the start of August. It is really really over.

SaggyHairyArse, Thanks! Ha, and thanks for pointing out that I probably shouldn't say I just wanted to bed him. On the one hand, it might stroke his ego a bit... But on the other, it is pretty crass.

Do you think you're ready for a relationship at all? Sorry to sound down on you, but if you've only been seperated since August, you are jumping in very quickly with someone new

BooBooGlass, maybe not. Maybe that's why I've mishandled this. When I started seeing him I wasn't looking for anything in particular for a change-- I just went with the flow. Now I know that what I AM ready to do is try. And this man is really worth trying with. Do I wish I'd met him a year down the line? HELL YES. Did I? No. But he's amazing and is a lot of things I've always wanted so I want to see where it goes.

If you are now bothered about it, it is precisely because you have developing feelings for this chap.

If you didn't give a crap about him, you would not be bothered.

Tell him when you next see him. Tell him that you know this is possibly not the right time to tell him, due to time constraints, but that you feel in your bones it's right and decent to tell him now.

Of course you don't know his secrets, this is a new relationship! Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be fine!

Let us know how you get on?

good luck!

LittleMissHoHoHoFit, Exactly! I am harboring some serious feelings for him now.

If I end up seeing him tomorrow, I will tell him. It is sorta eating me alive, after all.

I will definitely post back either way. I really hope it's fine. He seems like the kind of guy who wouldn't freak out, but somehow I still worry.

To be honest it wouldn't really be that much of an issue to me at only 6 weeks if I found that out. Obviously would like to know a few details etc at that point. Think if it is a big deal and they feel "misled" then they are probably a bit over invested with unreasonably high expectations in such a short relationship, which is NOT A GOOD THING! and you might want to head for the nearest exit.

As for not telling him because you wanted a shag first, well so what? Why is that "yuck" booboo? OP didn't know it was going to go any further, had no expectations etc, I would think someone was a complete loon if they started "opening up" about their divorce within an hour of meeting me.

Totally agree with littlemiss.

It' yuck because she deliberately kept it to herself so he would sleep with her first. That alone shows that she has an inkling that he might not have done it had he known the full story. Would you honestly be happy if someone did that to you??

It wouldn't matter a jot to me, because you see I don't expect every man I talk to or find attractive to turn into a Parter For Life, how should she have brought it up do you suggest? "Hi, my names Banks, fancy a drink, btw am going through a divorce right now......how about it?"

So she fancied a shag, big deal.

Shimmerysilverglitteryfairy, Ok now I'm really starting to feel a bit better about this! What you say makes a lot of sense. I do think he's really into me which might translate to him being overly invested but we'll see...

Thanks for the support. I really hope it goes well.

OK, so I am about to split with 'P' after best part of 10 yrs, but I met him when I was separating from my 1st H.

Life is not always cut and dried.

Banks, you know this is quick, you know there could be a rebound factor in this, look after yourself and believe in yourself. Take it steady!

I absolutely agree with littlemiss

You are under no obligation to disclose your life history to someone on a first date. 6 weeks is a very short period of time and provided you haven't lied and said you have never been married this is a total non issue.

As has been said if this man thinks it is an issue, either your marriage or that you didn't tell him straight away then he is not a man you want to be with.

Its fine to be really into you Banks but if he starts weeping and wailing and throwing around words like "betrayed" and "misled" and tries to make you feel bad about not telling him (which imvho is a sensible way to behave at the beginning of a relationship ie not displaying all your baggage to what is practially a stranger!), then you might have a problem and if he dumps you? Well then you are well shot imvho.

Ask yourself what your own reaction would be to being told this information from him. You sound fairly sensible so use that as your guideline to gauging his reaction.

I think it will be fine though .

BooBooGlass Of course you can love someone after 6 weeks! Every relationship is different, you can't possibly say that.

The only thing that occurs to me is that it may look like you were (initially) just using him for sex - I know this has developed into emotional feelings. But, I don't suppose a bloke would be that bothered about that.

I can understand wanting some sex after coming out of an unhappy marriage (with probably not alot of sex!!). Personally, I think it is quite soon to get back into a relationship - but, everyone is different and heals differently, I realise.

I think I would have said about going through a divorce quite early on, if it was me, because I just would want to start off with a clear picture of my circumstances.

But, have fun.

When I met dh he told me that he was divorced, and probably didn't tell me that he was separated until we'd been together for about 6 weeks or so. His reason was that if he'd said he was separated, I'd have run a mile, thinking that it was just a line to be used for the night. He'd been separated for over a year at this point.

I was a bit taken aback when he told me, but I really, really liked him and accepted his reasons.

I' glad I gave him the chance( well most of the time!) and we've been married for 20 years now. Also amongst most of my couple friends, at least one of them is divorced- mostly from been married really young (which was dh)

If the relationship is going somewhere, he'll accept your reasons. If he gets hung up on it, then move on. Good luck!

I've been on 4dates with a guy so obviously very very early but on 2nd I told him I have a baby. Was shitting myself about whether to then or hold off then tell him after x time. Won't pretend he wasn't abit "err wow um ok err" but as I said, 2 dates have followed and we've had very deep conversations since. I say tell him and he may surprise you

LuceeLoo - I bet he thought 'err wow um ok err' - it's not exactly what you expect to hear on a second date is it