What to say to DP?

[dreamylady]

We have a 5 yr old DD. DP has a gaming habit which means he likes to spend 2 nights a week playing computer games, They are usually 7pm to 2 or even 3 am sessions. The weekend session means he sleeps in til midday the following day, the weekday session means he's grumpy the following day from lack of sleep and often needs a nap when he gets in from work (while i'm busy doing domestics!). I do resent this because its essentially two working days a week - not spent contributing to us as a family, and doing something which to me is pointless (protestant work ethic sorry!)

However after many conversations and rows about this I realise how important it is to him - his mental health actually seems to suffer if he doesn't get at least one session a week. So I try to go with it without judgement.

However since last Thursday, he has not once come to bed the same time as me. He's up til 2.30 every night. Then tired the next day. Tonight he came in and had an hour nap as soon as he walked in the door, and woke up and started playing, will be a 2.30er tonight I expect. It also affects me as i wake up when he comes to bed, and often struggle getting back to sleep. He snores too if he's been drinking (he often does when he stays up late) which again disturbs my sleep. I've recently asked him to sleep in the spare room on his gaming nights. think he understands but maybe he sees it as 'punishment?'

I'm sure people will have different opinions about whether its reasonable or not, but what I'd like advice on is how to get him to not do this any more! Even one night a week might be bearable, starting a bit later, and cutting out the post work naps which REALLY wind me up.

He acknowledges that its stupid to stay up so late when he has work the next day, and sometimes is sheepish about sleeping in late (til midday both days this weekend) but nothing changes. If i tackle it with him we usually have a row and he seems to react like I'm his mum telling him what to do and he has to rebel. How do i get him to see what effect its having? I should add that we already struggle with me needing more affection and attention and 'romance' than he's able to give - he likes to spend time alone and also his default setting seems to be that if there's nothing else lined up for him to do, he's up in the office on the computer. We never really just hang out and see what happens...

He's not lazy though, when he's up on a weekend he's a whirling dervish of doing errands, cleaning, mowing the lawn, etc. Just he's either all go, or gaming, or asleep. Whereas I'm much more meandery and we wind each other up because of that. Especially if I've been up with DD for 4 hrs slowly doing our own relaxed thing, then he's up and BOOM we've all got to start rushing around to keep up.

sorry this is turniing into a rambling winge! just to remind - original question - ideas on how to tackle it with him...

So what is great about him?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

He is resistant to counselling because he does not want to lose his strong emotions - what a load of old nonsense!. Its an excuse and a poor one at that. You both talk and get nowhere. It will be ever thus.

To me he sounds like yet another immature manchild who is unable and unwilling to accept responsiblity leaving you to carry/enable him. Enabling gives you a false sense of control so that does you no good either. He retreats into gaming and has retreated from the world for many years; he will not change for you because this runs way too deep. You cannot rescue or fix him here. I do not mean this unkindly but you are the last person who can help him.

He was also 50% responsible for bringing his daughter into the world. If he was not ready for fatherhood then he should not have had sex in the first place.

You both have issues here and I would also say that unless both of you are willing and able to work through your issues separately (his gaming addiction is another piece in this overall dysfunction you have both brought into this relationship) I cannot see this situation ever improving.

What would it take for you actually to walk away?.

Apart from anything else here what are you both teaching this little girl about relationships?. I tell you now that you are both imparting her damaging lessons.

I wish you well but I think you are better off longer term going your separate ways and I never write that at all lightly. This is a relationship that is not working here and will actually never work. You are better off apart.

Where do you see yourself with him in say a year's time?. If a friend was telling you all this what would your own counsel be?.

I probably wouldn't nag about the gaming or the time he goes to bed, however much those things annoy you, because that just ends in fighting about those particular things and would feel like you trying to control him and tell him what to do, like he's a child or something.

but make it very clear that as one of the two adults in the household he is equally responsible for looking after his DD and doing the domestic chores, and that he needs to be doing half of those things. Then how he arranges his leisure time is up to him, as long as he's pulling his weight.

Sounds like you have more complex problems going on though. The counselling sounds like a good idea, either together or individually - would he consider it if you made it clear you thought it was the only way your relationship was going to last? Not as an emotional blackmail sort of thing, but just that you feel unable to continue with things as they are...

Dreamylady, your latest post is pretty concerning. What is most worrying is that you blame yourself frequently for your partner's behaviour.

I did this too (and still do tbh). I was in what my H's therapist described as a 'violent relationship'. There was little physical violence to my person, but plenty of indirect violence in the form of aggressive arguments.
I would also get myself tied up in knots and usually would end up 'compromising' - but the reality was I was being verbally and emotionally battered.

I remember thinking that no matter what I said was wrong, whenever I tried to approach things with H. He would always end up arguing that the 'way' I said things was wrong, that it was extremely hurtful to him for whatever reason and that if only I had approached him differently, that the outcome would have been different. i.e. it was my fault that our discussion would end up in a vicious row.
I eventually copped on to this, understood what was happening - and have clung to it ever since when having difficult discussions.

It is not the way you approach him, it is the way he chooses to react to your legitimate concerns.
No matter what you say will be wrong - because he chooses so. This means that he feels completely entitled to argue away your concerns AND on top of that blame you for causing the row in the first place.
Does any of this sound familiar?

atswimtwolengths I'm on here no more than 20 mins per day when having a break at work. Usually less. Work has filtered most of the sport websites I'd look at () and I found this site to be a nice diversion after I posted a while back looking for advice on dobule buggies.

Point is, I spend inordinately more time with real people (mainly my wife) than I do either on messageboards or on the internet in general. Tbh, I would have the same attitude towards someone spending similar mounts of time on this site as OP's DP does on his games as I do towards computer games.

Computers are great. Would struggle to manage without them these days, but I see so many people for whom they seem to have become a replacement for things like real socialising, team sports, spending time with their partners etc. and I just don't really like it. I realise many will disagree and that's completely fair enough.

deepheat, your earlier post was very helpful to me - the actual factors that were teenage behaviour! The thing is, how to get him to recognise that without it coming from me (therefore putting myself in the nagging mum position again)

He does do his share of the practical chores - some cooking, all the washing up, hoovering, cleaning bathrooms, taking the bins out, feeding the cat and empting the tray, mowing the lawn, ironing.

He does often take on board things i say, and has made a real effort in lots of ways. Our arguments are much better handled these days, and more likely to get to a productive solution. but this is one thing he's really dug his heels in about.

i think the point about however i approach it it might be reacted to the same way is a valid one. but the earlier point by chipping in is helpful too - maybe not to focus on the addiction (because apart from anything else, if it wasn't that i think he'd find something else) but to focus on our relationship.

can i ask what do people do together in their free time? when they're at home i mean. apart from watch TV. i'd like us to just be in the same room, listening to music and maybe doing our own things but just physically present.. or maybe have a games night once a week (dweeb!) where we just play together. Does that sound wierd? I feel as though if I had something to offer i'd feel better about trying to influence his leisure time...for me, rather than just him not doing something he likes.