My dad is so fab; so how come my boyfriends have been so horrendous?

[poshsinglemum]

They say you choose men like your dad. I'm not convinced.
I love my dad. We havn't always got on but in general; he was lovely when we were little. He was there for us, always read the bedtime story, took us holidays, gave me everything.
I am watching him look after my mum who has cancer and it's lovely how caring he is. It hasn't always been like this. Mum has bipolar and he found it so difficult. When I was little I hardly saw them hold hands although they do now. But he's always been there for us.
He's the best grandad ever and dotes on dd.

I just do not get how I could have gone for the biggest loosers imaginable.

The only time when our relationship soured was when I was a teen and went of the rails. He hated my abusive boyfriend and at the time I resented him for not being welcoming but in retrospect he was right.

the only thing I can think of is that he wasn't great with teenage girls and never talked openly about sex and boyfriends etc. Would this play a part?

I still think he is a great dad. I don't blame him by being a bit confused by my hormonal outbursts.

This is an extract from an assignment I had to write recently:-

"I believe that women choose men that are similar in nature to their fathers. The result of this is when a woman has had a good childhood with her father, the life partner fails to match up to the idealised version of the father. A woman that has suffered a poor relationship with her father, chooses a life partner and continues to ?fix? the relationship, as if she were fixing the father himself. In other words, she failed to fix her father so will attempt to fix the life partner."

It's not always the case but it does happen. I doubt that the fact your dad didn't talk openly about sex and boyfriends has any bearing on it. They are topics a lot of men would feel uncomfortable discussing with their teenage daughters. Chances are he talked to your mum about it instead.

That's interesting.

My abusive boyfriend hated my dad and I feel poisoned me against him. I went along with it because my dad was so cold towards my boyfriend. I can see why now; he didn't like the fact that my ex was telling me what to eat and he knew that I was probably being coerced into lots of things that I wasn't sure of.

Maybe if you hadn't had the example of your Dad you'd still be with one of your louser boyfriends?

Sorry about your mum :( hope she is ok. And you too.

Hmm... what about, you always felt so safe with your Dad that subconsciously you feel you can take risks with your partners because he will always be there to rescue you?

I like that one, as it possibly explains why I go for safe types who panic if they haven't got seven years of bank statements filed in a special folder [phwoooar, love a good filing session myself]

But there's two in this - why do the losers go for you? Do they tend to chase you, or do you chase them? Maybe you are their replacement mother?

It was a teenage phase you went through, your dad understands that. You can see why now because you have the benefit of maturity. As a teenager 'in love' you didn't have that and, let's face it, bad boys were so much more interesting than boring, old, sensible dads as we saw it then.

I wonder if it's a subconscious way of holding onto your Dad as an ideal...especially if your mum wasn't all that with it when you were a kid. We all have to need someone.
My mum was also very a bit difficult and I idolised my father. So I've gone for blokes who on the surface are a bit like him, but underneath are clearly not - and it reinforcs my inner belief/need to believe that Dadw as/is perfect. Which he isn't, of course.
I think I am scared of deposing him (is that the word?) from his position of greatness.

I also realised recently that I hate the relationship between him and Mum, and have thought all my life that I wanted to be married etc but all the while, part of me was looking at them going 'Oh My Good Lord please never let me be that woman, behaving so badly to that man.'

My role model for a relationship was of a woman treating a man very badly (not all the time but a lot of it - and not in an obvious way either)

Part of me is f*cking terrified that that's how it has to be. And I would run a million miles from that.

Several reasons then!

Basically fear of becoming my mother.

I am not sure. I am gong out with a carbon coppy of my dad. I have been married since 20 as well and think it is down to marrying someone just like my fantastic dad.

'"I believe that women choose men that are similar in nature to their fathers. The result of this is when a woman has had a good childhood with her father, the life partner fails to match up to the idealised version of the father.'

I dont believe that at all. My husband matches up to my dad and hence why we have a great marriage. My mum says the same about my dad and grandad. (My parents been together 40+ and my grandaparents from teens till death).

I think in your case though it is because your parents had a difficult relationship at times due to your mums bi-polar and maybe it is your subconsious holding you back.

I think your relationship with your Mum is just as important. Perhaps you're focusing on the wrong parent here? Or the wrong relationship? He had a great relationship with you (barring teens), but what was his relationship with your mum like? What were both your parents role-modelling to you?

I agree with HerBeatitude. The dad thing is a red herring imo. My dad is amazing, the best man on the planet, but my mum suffered from mental illness and alcoholism and could be a poisonous bitch at times.

I think my (ex) emotionally abusive relationship was much more about her than my dad.

Although I am aware that I do tend to be attracted to guys int he first instance who have physical characteristics or mannerisms of my father. But I don't think that's so weird.

but more interesting is that you didn't hold onto these abusive men.

i also had a fab dad, and i just thought all men were like him. took me a while to realize they fell way short of the mark. my dh is like my dad - i think they would have got on like a house on fire, but unfortunately they never met.

so it could be that you just don't expect some men to be as awful as they are?

Good point, HB. That dirty old pervert Freud said that girls marry their fathers because it was all about latent sexuality to him. It's probably heresy to say he was up the wrong tree with that one, but human relationships are not that simple and the gender divide far from clear-cut. You date what you feel comfortable with, probably more often someone like the father because that's what you associate with masculinity, but not necessarily, particularly if someone else had a stronger influence in your life, and it doesn't have to be a male someone. Maybe PSM dates losers because they are familiar through her mother. Maybe, secure in her father's love, she doesn't need a substitute daddy, but having been deprived of the other parent by her mother's illness, is looking for someone to fill that gap. Maybe she identifies with her father and is looking for someone like her mother to complete the familiar picture. All sorts of possibilities.

"she doesn't need a substitute daddy, but having been deprived of the other parent by her mother's illness, is looking for someone to fill that gap. Maybe she identifies with her father and is looking for someone like her mother to complete the familiar picture."

Annie I think you are bang on point. Certainly in my case. It's weired because my brother does exactly the same thing - dates horrible, EA women who are stikingly similar to our mother. I think we both feel a pull of familiarity with people like that when we first meet them and mistake that familiarity for a 'connection' or whatever. Also, we (my brother and I) are probably in our comfort zones when dealing with unstable, emotionally abusive people. I certainly feel (or felt, I'm not doing that any more!) that I understood what the rules of engagement were and had a pattern of behaviour to follow. When I'm with someone nice and normal it sends me into a tailspin because it's such unchartered territory.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack but hope PSM might find some of this useful??

"In other words, she failed to fix her father so will attempt to fix the life partner.""

Bollocks to that - I'm choosing a 'life partner' who is NOT like my dad in the first place. Much simpler :)

(maybe I am unusual, anecdote not evidence etc)

PSM - why do you think your Dad has anything to do with it?

Possibly, I think quite likely in my case, we accept certain faults in partners that our parents modelled, either normalise or don't even notice them, rather than actively seeking them out. Thus, when XH threw a big shouting fit because he felt he had been disrespected, or manufactured a row so he could flounce out of something he didn't want to do, I would just think "that's what daddies do", rather than "what a dick". However on the face of it he couldn't have been much more different from my father. Don't want to worry you, Trillian...!

I adored my late father who could do no wrong in my eyes as a youngster.

He was wise and my trust in him was without question until I met a boy i fell in love with.

Dad hated him beyond reason, well his reason was "he has shifty eyes, never looks you in the eye"

I think part of dads problem was that he was so different to him, not outgoing, shy and a bit nervous too.

Eventually I broke up with said boyfriend because, well dad couldn't possibly be wrong could he?

A couple of years later and a year after my dads too early death, I met him again by accident and realized I still loved him.

We married a few months later and after 36 years and 3 Dc's together I can say:

Dad you were so wrong